Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

c) Oliver Cromwell

2. What’s the most number of babies (allegedly) ever born to one woman?

a) 71

b) 102

c) 69

3. In 2010, a woman in New Mexico, USA, did what to her daughter-in-law during a fight?

a) Ripped off her nipple

b) Pushed her out of a tenth-floor window

c) Tattooed “FOR SALE” on her forehead

4. According to therapists, what is the secret to a successful marriage?

a) Using flattery and persuasion

b) A bonk every other day

c) Being a total loser

5. How old was the youngest (confirmed) mother in medical history?

a) 7

b) 6

c) 5

Surgery: Not Just for Professionals 5

If You Want Something Done… Do It Yourself

Okay, before we start this chapter, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea: I ain’t saying you should go out and buy a hacksaw, a pair of barbeque tongs, and tube of Super Glue, then try and remove one of your own kidneys. If something’s bothering you, and you’ve got any choice in the matter, go to a fucking doctor —a real one, not Dr. Ozzy—instead of trying to fix the problem yourself. Especially if it involves chopping something off, taking something out, or making your tits bigger.

Sometimes, though, doing it yourself is the only way to go. Like that guy who went hiking in Utah, got stuck under a rock, then had to chop off his own arm. If he hadn’t been willing to get his hands dirty, he’d still be under that rock today. Then there was the famous case of that chick in Mexico who went into labour when she was all alone and in the middle of nowhere (she lived halfway up a mountain, and her husband was down the pub). She didn’t want to risk going into labour, ’cos her last baby had been born dead, so she chugged half a bottle of rubbing alcohol, got out the kitchen knife, gave herself a C-Section, then passed out. The kid was fine… although he had a bit of a hangover.[3]

Obviously it’s unlikely you’ll ever find yourself in such a heavy duty situation. On the off-chance, though, I recommend tearing out the next few pages and keeping ’em with you at all times.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I think my arm is broken, but I don’t have health insurance (I live in the United States) and I don’t want to end up getting a bill for thousands of dollars from a hospital emergency room. Is there a fail-safe (and painless) way to make your own plaster-cast?

Stephen, Florida

Okay Stephen, this is what you have to do: get yourself down to the local Wal-Mart and buy three paper cups, some sticky-backed plastic, a pen, four knitting needles, and a ball of string. You’ll also need a lemon, some ice, and tube of toothpaste. Oh, and a bag of cement mix. Lay it all out on the kitchen table. Then take a deep breath. When you’ve done all that… GO. TO. A. DOCTOR. Honestly, are you fucking mad? Even if you don’t have any dough, the E.R. will still treat you, and you can deal with the debt-collectors later. Trust me, your arm is going to be a lot more useful than any cash you might lose.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If I ever had to remove my own leg in an emergency (say, I was trapped under something heavy while a long way from home, as in the movie 127 Hours), how difficult would it be?

Jay, Los Angeles

Depends. If you had a chainsaw handy, it wouldn’t be difficult at all—apart from the screaming agony part. Also, it goes without saying that you’d have to be pretty fucking sure there were no other options before you went all-in. The last thing you’d want is go to all the bother of amputating your own leg, only for ten fire engines to pull up three minutes later. In terms of the technicalities, I can only tell you what I saw on 127 Hours: you need to make a tourniquet; saw through the skin, flesh and muscle; find a way to break the bone (or bones); then snip the tendons. Then you’ve gotta find help before dying of blood loss or infection. In other words, it’s best avoided, if at all possible.

DR. OZZY’S INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES

DIY Surgery—What NOT to Try…

¦ Self-circumcision with a pair of old nail clippers. A bloke in Hertfordshire tried this in 2009 and ended up in the emergency ward with a plaster cast on his knob. “This is something we would advise men never to attempt,” said the hospital. No fucking shit, man.

¦ Gastric bypass operation using a kit you bought on Amazon.com. This ain’t a joke: a company in America was actually selling “Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kits” on the internet until recently. It was all a big mistake, apparently: the kit was only supposed to be available to hospitals. Still, it got 38 “user reviews”—all of ’em from people taking the piss.

¦ Brain surgery. A bit of an obvious one this, I would have thought—but not to a chick in Gloucester who drilled a hole in her own head while standing in front of a mirror (with a video camera running), ’cos she’d been told it might cure “tiredness.” It all went well apart from the fact she put a big fucking hole in her head (although there can’t have been much grey matter there to begin with). Afterwards, she insisted she felt much better.

¦ Laser eyesight correction. The main problem with zapping your own eyeballs is that you need your eyeballs to make sure you’re pointing the laser at the right part of your eyeballs… it’s also pretty hard to get your hands on a reliable laser, unless you live in a volcano and answer to the name “Blofeld.” The one in your old CD player ain’t gonna do much good.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I want to look like a celebrity but can’t afford the high cost of getting my acne scars removed by a surgeon. If I buy my own silicone on the Internet, could I simply treat the scars myself (I’ve seen how doctors on reality TV shows do the injections)?