Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Jaynie, London

No, no, fuck no, absolutely no way, and NO again. Times a million. I saw Neil Armstrong land on the moon on the telly, but that doesn’t mean I could pilot the Mars Rover, does it? I’ve heard terrible stories about people buying the wrong kind of silicone—like the stuff they put in car engines—and shooting themselves up with it, only to end up looking like Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The worst thing is, you can’t just leave it in there: someone has to cut open your face and get it out. To be honest with you, though, I’m not even sure your acne scars are the real problem. If you’re obsessed enough about your looks that you’re willing to stick a needle in yourself, there might be something else going on. In fact, I would recommend talking to a therapist, ’cos it might be that you’re suffering from some kind of negative body image disorder. I ain’t got anything against plastic surgery—I’ve had it done myself, and so has my wife—but sometimes people get way too hung up on this stuff.

Dr. Ozzy:

I crushed my finger between two heavy steel pipes: now it’s swollen and black. Do you think it’s broken?

Phil, Essex

This question isn’t as stupid as it sounds, ’cos I once broke my tibia—my shinbone—and I didn’t realise it for weeks. I thought I was just bruised or something. Mind you, I was so blasted all the time, you could have taken a chainsaw to my right arm and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. In fact, I think the reason I broke my tibia in the first place is because I was off my nut and fell down a flight of stairs. The other problem was, no-one ever used to listen to me when I complained about breaking something, because they all knew I saw it as an excuse to get my hands on some pain pills, which meant I could get even more out of my skull. I was like the boy who cried wolf, y’know? Especially when we were in America. I mean, you can’t go a doctor in the states for anything without coming away with a bottle of pills. I used to turn up at appointments with a fucking shopping trolley. And in my darkest days, I used to actually try to injure myself to get pills. Which brings me back to the question: if you’re asking me if your finger’s broken, you’re obviously not the kind of person who tries to scam your doctors, so if I were you, I’d go and get it X-rayed. Either that, or go out and play a couple of games of pool. You’ll know if it’s broken or not after that.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have a corn on my right foot, and after a lot of consideration, I’m thinking of trimming it myself. Are there any risks I should know about?

Gian, Frosinone, Italy

Don’t do it, man. Seriously. I had a hairdresser once who got some kind of growth on his foot, so he dealt with it himself, forgot about it for years, then found out—too late—that it was cancer. The other thing you’ve gotta bear in mind is, your entire body is weighing down on that foot for most of the day, so if things go wrong in that area, it can have consequences you can’t even imagine. I mean, if you got a blow-out on your car, would you get out your little bicycle repair kit, glue the hole back together, then head out on the motoroway? No. So get yourself to a doctor—or better yet, a chiropodist.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that a Russian GP stationed in Antarctica removed his own appendix, spent only a fortnight recovering, then carried on with his work? Could anyone basically perform a self-appendectomy if there were no other help available?

Gillian, Spain

I got someone to look this up for me, and as mind-blowing as it sounds, it’s absolutely true. It ain’t the only case, either. Another doctor in America took out his own appendix just to prove that his anaesthetic worked (it’s a good job the guy wasn’t selling guns for a living—he might have ended up shooting himself in the head to prove his bullets worked). Just because a few nutters have managed to slice themselves open doesn’t mean anyone else should try it, though—no matter what the circumstances. Unless you’ve got a set of mirrors handy, some sharp knives, a bag of hardcore antibiotics, and a pair of balls the size of Mount Rushmore, you’d be better off using your energy to find medical attention before you start digging around in your own stomach with a Swiss Army Knife. I mean, could you honestly say you’d even know what an appendix looked like? Knowing me, I’d end up cutting out a lung instead.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Under the Knife

Find the answers—and tote up your score—here

1. Which of these horrendous medical errors really happened?

a) Amputating the wrong leg

b) Bifurcation (which left the patient with a forked tongue)

c) Transplanting the wrong heart and lungs

2. Which of these DIY cosmetic surgeries did people really attempt?

a) A nose job with a chisel and a chicken bone

b) Double chin surgery with a bread knife and a vacuum cleaner

c) Lip augmentation with an injection of “sexual lubricant”

3. What does “auto-enucleation” mean?

a) Deliberately exposing yourself to radiation

b) Gouging out your own eyes

c) When you body rejects an anaesthetic

4. In Medieval times, who did you go to for surgery?

a) A barber

b) A blacksmith

c) A carpenter

5. Which of these famous medical cases resulted in death…

a) The man who removed his own pacemaker

b) The man who deliberately cycled into the back of a truck to fracture his jaw, so it could be reset in a “more attractive” way

c) The woman who tried to give herself liposuction by cutting her thighs and squeezing out the fat

General Practise 6