Glenn, Birmingham Depends. If you’re a professional footballer, it would be rude not to. If on the other hand you’re in the middle of a business lunch, and everyone’s drinking tea and eating little finger sandwiches, then no, it ain’t a very good idea to start coughing up a massive Gilbert.
Golf Balls (Death By) Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My husband wants to buy a holiday home in a “gated community” on a golf course, but I’m afraid of being killed by a stray ball. He says I’m being paranoid. Am I?
Liz, Surrey You ain’t being paranoid. When I lived in Palm Springs, Gerald Ford used to hit someone with a golf ball just about every other week. He might have hit me for all I know: I was drinking so much, I wouldn’t have noticed anything smaller than a flying sledgehammer. It became a standing joke after a while: you weren’t a real local until you had a signed letter from the President, apologising for the shiner on your forehead. Not that golf balls are harmless, mind you: they’re as hard as rocks and travel at over 100mph—so yeah, they can kill you if you’re unlucky. But you have to be very unlucky.
Hair (Self-Removal Of) Dear Dr. Ozzy:
For over a year I’ve been literally tearing out my hair. It started at a time when I was under immense stress, but I haven’t stopped. I’m aware that it can be described as a mental condition —“trichotillomania”—but I think of it more as an addiction. As someone who’s defeated his own vices, your wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Eric, York No-one’s ever fucking happy, are they? Half the time I’m answering questions from blokes who’d swap their right arm for a few more follicles, and then here you are, ripping them all out of your own free will. Seriously, though, you should really talk to someone about this—a shrink or at the very least your GP—asap. I mean, yeah, you can call it a habit, or an addiction, or whatever, but the bottom line is that you’re harming yourself, and that’s heavy duty. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the rug-tugging was a symptom of some other issues you’ve got going on, and if you get some treatment now, you’ll probably save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache later on. One thing to maybe ask your doc about is a course of “habit reversal training.” From what I understand, it doesn’t involve any actual medication, but it can be very effective.
Headbanging (Complications Of) Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Your column has inspired me to go through my old Black Sabbath collection, but now I have severe bruising on my forehead and an intense ringing in my ears. What’s wrong with me?
Simon, Perth, Australia It’s called being a headbanger, Simon. When people first started doing it in the early 1970s, working class guys like me had never had a way of expressing themselves before, and they got carried away. One guy headbanged all night at a Motorhead concert with his head literally inside a speaker cabinet—it give him a fatal brain hemorrhage. The thing to realise is that headbanging is just like another exercise: the first time you do it, you’re really sore the next day. You’ve just got to start slowly and keep it up, gradually working yer way up to match fitness. So next time, before putting your Black Sabbath records on, try doing 20 headbangs every morning for a few weeks in advance.
That should help.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I’m 19 years old and have rheumatoid arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis (the same back disease that Mick Mars from Motley Crue has). I love headbanging, but can barely move when the adrenaline wears off. Any tips for muscle pain relief?
Karl, USA I really hate to say this, but why don’t you hold back on the headbanging for a bit? I mean, I know Mick, and I know how painful that condition can be. You’ve got to accommodate what your body can do. People can enjoy music in all kinds of different ways. What amazes me is that I often get deaf people coming to my gigs: they can’t hear the lyrics, but they can get into the rhythm. So my advice to you is to keep going to the shows, but get into the vibe in a way that doesn’t involve the mosh pit. It ain’t worth the agony, man, and I certainly wouldn’t recommend popping any heavy-duty pain pills—unless your doctor says you should—as they can be horrendously addictive.
Head Cold (Flying With) Dear Dr. Ozzy:
The other day I flew to a conference with a “head cold,” thinking the change in pressure might clear out my ears. Instead it felt as though my brain was about to explode, and when we finally landed—after what seemed like years—I was deaf on one side (still am). Help…
Lisa, Reading
This ain’t much use to you now, Lisa, but you should never fly with a really bad head cold, ’cos you can burst your eardrums. So, in the future, do the opposite of what you did. Rent a car, take a boat—swim, if you have to. But don’t get on a plane. I’ve heard that you also can buy these plug things that help regulate the pressure, but the trouble is, you’ve gotta trust yourself to be able to use them properly, and personally I have trouble getting my telly to work, never mind trying to put some microscopic shield in my ear. In the meantime, you need to get checked out by a doc, ’cos you might have done yourself some damage. It’s too important to wait and see if it heals by itself.
Hernia (Lump Caused By) Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have a hiatus hernia which I’ve been treating for a few years with Gaviscon tablets, without much improvement. What really bothers me, however, is the lump—a small, circular ball on my navel. Any ideas on how to get rid of this unsightly bulge?
“Mike,” Harrow A friend of mine had the same thing, and unfortunately you can’t just tap it a couple of times with a hammer to pop it back in—you need surgery. But this is something you have to get checked out by your doc, ’cos it might be more (or less) complicated than you think.
