Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Insect Bites

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

On Tuesday I was cutting bushes in my yard when I accidentally made contact with a bee’s nest and was attacked. I only got stung once before I dove into my pool. Two days later, my leg is twice the size it once was. What’s wrong with me?

Chris, Danvers, Massachusetts

I once had a keyboard player who had to call for an ambulance if he got stung by a bee. The fact is, some people are a lot more allergic to stings than others, and it sounds like you’re having a very nasty reaction. Get it seen to immediately. Hop to the ER if necessary.

J.

Jimmy Legs (A.K.A. Restless Legs)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I suffer from “Jimmy legs,” also known as restless leg syndrome. My legs shake and move about in the night, and it’s driving my wife mad. Any ideas how I can put a stop to this?

Mick, West Midlands

I have exactly the same problem—and so does my wife, Sharon. We’re like pair of pneumatic drills, jiggling and wobbling away under the sheets, making the floorboards rattle. My leg has a mind of its own. It goes all over the place. Even when I’m sitting down on the sofa, it’s bouncing around like I’m in the back of a rickshaw on a bumpy road. It’s one of the reasons why I can’t stay still for more than a few minutes. In terms of treatment, you can get medication for Jimmy legs, but it’s a form of benzodiazepine—the same thing as Valium—and I spent decades trying to get off that shit, and I don’t want to go back to it. Maybe it’s something you could try, if you don’t have a history with that drug. Personally, I’ve decided to live with the condition. I mean, it’s not like it’s painful. It’s just irritating—and it wears out the bed springs pretty quick.

DR. OZZY’S SURGERY NOTICEBOARD

The Battle of Bouncing Knee

¦ I always crap myself when a real doctor writes to me, ’cos I think I’m about to get a bollocking. Most of the time, though, they just have a helpful suggestion. For example, Dr. Geoff, a retired GP from St. Ives, sent me an e-mail to say that “small doses of anti-parkinsonian drugs such as Pramipexole [Mirapexin]” can help cure your restless legs (you should ALWAYS talk to your own GP before trying ANY kind of treatment). Meanwhile, other readers said that mineral salts, magnesium, Crampex tablets, and putting a tablet of toilet soap under the bed sheets can do some good. They also say you should avoid peppermint, mouthwash, and raspberries. How anyone could prove that is beyond me.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Thanks to a suggestion by one of your readers the other week, I’ve been prescribed an anti- parkinsonian drug for my restless leg syndrome—but when I looked online, I found that the side-effects might include “intense urges to gamble” and “increased sexual urges (hypersexuality).” Should I throw the pills in the bin?

David, Buckinghamshire

… and you’re worried about this? The label might as well say, “side-effects including having a good time.” In all seriousness, though—there’s no point in curing your restless legs only to blow your life savings in Las Vegas on blackjack and hookers. Talk to your GP.

K.

King’s Speech Technique (Stuttering)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As a self-confessed stutterer, have you ever gone through any of the treatments shown in the film The King’s Speech, like putting marbles in your mouth, or reciting Shakespeare while wearing headphones? Do you think a stutter can be cured?

Kim, Santa Barbara, California

I don’t know if a stutter can be cured, but I can tell you how to get one—drink and do drugs for 40 years. Believe me, getting to end of a single sentence is a major achievement when you’re on your second bottle of cognac and third speedball before breakfast. To answer the first part of your question, though: no, I’ve never had speech lessons—although I did once get hypnotised by Paul McKenna when I was trying to change my lifestyle. The trouble was, I was blasted at the time, so it’s hard to say if I was hypnotised, or if I just passed out, which was a daily occurrence in those days. As for my stutter, it’s been a lot better since I sobered up, and I’ve realised that it’s usually brought on by anxiety. When I’m nervous about something, my mind spins faster than my mouth can catch up, so I end up sounding like a World War II machine gun. By taking a deep breath and slowing down a bit, I can usually keep it under control.

L.

Lead (Poisoning)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m currently renovating my family’s Georgian townhouse and have just come across a government leaflet about lead paint. Now I’m terrified that every little thing I do will create poisonous dust that will brain-damage my toddler and pregnant wife. Please help.

Ryan, Edinburgh

A lot of people might not take this kind of thing very seriously, but I had a cousin who was an industrial painter, and he got asbestosis. So if I were you, I’d be wearing a rubber suit and a gas mask in the house. I mean, yeah, people my age grew up eating more lead paint chips than they did French fries, but that doesn’t make it any less dangerous. Kids also used to ride in cars without seatbelts while their parents smoked themselves blue in the face with the windows closed: it doesn’t mean we should do it now. Call your local council, ask them what the right procedure is, and follow it. Meanwhile, if you’ve already started to sand the woodwork, send your wife and toddler to the in-laws until the job’s all done and you’ve been given the all-clear by a qualified inspector.

DR. OZZY’S SURGERY NOTICEBOARD

Heavy Metal Madness