Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

meet me when I landed at JFK. In the end they put a blanket over him and moved me to a seat in first class with champagne. I only mention this story because I’m told that having someone drop dead next to you is probably more likely than your plane falling out of the sky. In fact, they say you’re more likely to die in a car crash on the way to the airport than you are to die in a plane crash. But not many people lie awake at night, worrying about the drive to Heathrow. Try reminding yourself of that next time you have to fly somewhere. It might calm you down.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My friend has a rare phobia: she’s terrified of pigeons. Is there a cure?

Anna, Finland

I ain’t got a clue, but if your friend lives in Finland, how many pigeons does she come across on a daily basis? I mean, if she lived in the middle of Trafalgar Square, it might be a problem. It’s not like the Finns eat pigeons, either: all they have over there is reindeer burgers, reindeer ice cream, and reindeer stew. Tell her to picture a sparrow and relax.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m terrified of butterflies. Is this is a common phobia? And what should I do now that the summer is approaching, and my room will soon become infested with the horrible things?

Lola, Irish Republic

I had no idea it was possible to get so upset about butterflies. I mean, what else are you scared of? Rainbows, puppies, and sunny days? Personally, the only creatures I really can’t stand are rats. If I see one, I freak, big time. But what can you do? You can’t walk around all day in HAZMAT suit with a bag over your head on the off- chance you might come across one. Having said that, it’s pretty easy to stay out of the way of rats, but it might be a bit harder with butterflies. If it’s causing you a lot of anxiety, talk to your GP. Maybe he’ll be able to sign you up for some kind of desensitization therapy.

Q.

Quinquaud’s Decalvans Folliculitis[5]

R.

Rabies (Suspected)

Dear Dear Ozzy:

How can I tell if I’ve got rabies? The reason I ask is because I was bitten by a stray dog while on holiday in Turkey, and now I’m worried it might have given me a terrible disease.

Denise, Portsmouth

I thought I’d caught rabies after eating that bat in Des Moines, Iowa. The injections they gave me were horrendous: one in each arm, one in each arse cheek, one in each thigh. Then you’ve got to rub the stuff like crazy to make sure it spreads over the muscle. It’s like an oil, very dense—you can feel it trickling around inside you. It’s the safest thing to do, and I’m sure the treatments have improved since 1982, but it ain’t very nice. Personally, I gave up halfway through. I said to Sharon, “If I start barking, we can start up again.”

DR. OZZY’S SURGERY NOTICEBOARD

Going Batty

¦ According to Bernard in London, anyone who gets bitten by a stray animal in a faraway country like Turkey should immediately go and see a doctor—not wait until they start howling at the moon—’cos it could be “a life and death matter.” Even though I didn’t finish my own rabies treatment in 1982 after eating a bat’s head on stage, Bernard says the injections I had in hospital later that night might very well have saved my life.

S.

Sleeping Pills

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I can’t stop taking sleeping pills—this has been going on for about five years now. I’m out of work, and at a loss what to do. Help.

Yoshizawa, Japan

I’m convinced that once you start relying on sleeping pills, it damages your sleeping pattern forever. A lot of sleeping pills are made from benzodiazepine, which is the same family as Valium—very addictive stuff. When I finally got off it after 25 years, it was the worst withdrawal I ever had from anything. The way I stopped was by switching my sleeping medication to an anti-depressant called trazodone, and I recommend that you talk to your doctor over there in Japan about doing something similar. The secret is to go very slowly: there’s no hurry. I also tried using a non-benzodiazepine sleeping pill, Ambien—or zolpidem—but it was the worst. My short-term memory got so bad I didn’t even know what time of day it was (see here). Mind you, I wasn’t just taking the regular dosage. I built up such a tolerance, I was popping the fucking things like M&M’s.

Sleepwalking

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I keep waking up in my next-door neighbour’s front garden. I live alone, so either someone is coming into my house in the middle of the night and carrying me there, or I’m sleep-walking. Have you ever heard of this? What can I do about it?

Jane, Bradford

I’m always pottering about in the middle of the night, fast asleep. I was in a B&B one time, and I sleep-walked into the wrong room, got into bed, and carried on with my whatever dream I was having. Then this big hairy bloke climbs between the sheets with me. I wake up and go, “What are you doing here?” He takes one look at me, screams, claps his hands over his wedding tackle, and goes, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Sadly, there ain’t no cure for sleep-walking, as far as I know. But it’s not always a bad thing. A few years ago, for example, I was sleep-walking around my house in Buckinghamshire, when I walked smack into a burglar. If that doesn’t wake you up, nothing will. I almost caught the guy, too. I put him in a headlock for about five minutes, but didn’t have any handcuffs or anything, so in the end I thought, fuck it, and threw him out of the window… and he hobbled off across the field with about $3 million worth of Sharon’s jewelery in a plastic bag. Still, looking on the bright side, if I hadn’t been sleep-walking, I would never have met a real-life diamond thief.

Snoring