Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

I suffer from vertigo. What can I do to cure it?

Nilay, Istanbul, Turkey

I thought I had vertigo for 40 years. I went to the doctor and he said, “Mr. Osbourne, the problem—as far as I can tell—is that you’re drunk. Very drunk.” So my prescription for you is to go to bed for 24 hours, drink nothing—apart from water—then get up and walk around in circles for a bit. If you’re still feeling dizzy, you might have a problem.

W.

Wax (Big Lumps Of)

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I used a cotton wool bud to clean out my ears the other day and dislodged some wax—now I’m half-deaf. Is there an easy way to get rid of the wax without going to the doctor’s?

Lucy, Carlisle

Short answer: no. Don’t mess with your ears, man. Go to a real doctor. I remember getting a smack around the head once from Sharon, and her hand clipped the wrong spot and burst my eardrum. I had to get a plug in my ear for ages while it healed. It was like walking around with a cardboard box on my head. Sharon felt terrible. Not as bad as I felt, though. So don’t mess around with your ears: they’re too important, and too easy to break.

Weird S***

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

If I open my mouth in a certain way, I can fire saliva like it’s a water pistol. What should I do?

Christopher, Bristol

Try not opening your mouth. That should fix it.

X.

X-Rays (Dangers Of)

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

Thanks to airport scanners, the new 3-D imaging equipment in my dentist’s office, and cosmic radiation from long-haul flights, I’m worried that I’m turning into a one-man Chernobyl. Should I try to cut down on all this radiation exposure?

Brad, Somerset

You’re talking to someone who’s been flying on a weekly basis since the late 1960s. I probably give off more cosmic radiation than Halley’s fucking Comet—and that’s before adding in all the airport scans I’ve had, or the thousands of visits to my dentist. Having said that, by far the longest exposure I ever had to an X-ray was for the cover of one my albums, Down to Earth. The bloke in charge of the artwork had to shout directions to me through a four-foot brick wall, ’cos he was so scared of getting cancer. At that point in my life, though, getting zapped with death-rays was probably the safest thing I’d done all year. These days, radiation is just a fact of life, so there’s no point in letting it drive you nuts. I mean, yeah, it’s a pain in the arse going through airport security, but your chances of getting sick have gotta be close to zero. And what’s the alternative? Getting blasted out of the sky at 37,000 feet? I’ll take the X-ray, thanks.

Y.

Yawning (Side-Effects)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Whenever I yawn, my eyes water—to the point where it looks like I’m about to cry. How can I stop this?

Lex, Surrey

Easy: stop doing things that make you yawn. Have you tried skydiving?

Z.

Zoning Out (Driving)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

When driving long distances, what’s the best way to stay awake at the wheel? I’ve tried keeping the window open, but I still find my eyes glassing over and having to take a break.

Raj, Birmingham

I knew some roadies in the 1970s who could drive from Land’s End to John O’Groats and back ten times thanks to the rocket powder they were putting up their noses on a daily basis. But the truth is, driving when you’re high is as stupid as driving when you’re exhausted. Either way, you could end up killing yourself—or worse, someone else. If you want to cover a lot of miles without stopping, get a co-driver. Or better yet, take the train.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Doctor! Doctor!

Find the answers—and tote up your score—here

1. Which drug was the Harold “Dr. Death” Shipman addicted to?

a) Pethidine (known as Demerol in the U.S.)

b) Codeine

c) Vicodin (hydrocodone/paracetamol)

2. A woman in England recently sued her doctor for giving her what?

a) Two “leg-buckling” orgasms within 90 seconds of each other

b) Oral herpes

c) A slap in the face to wake her up