Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Diana, California

Are you absolutely sure he has herpes? I might be wrong, but I don’t think most guys would mention the H-word at all—especially not after two dates—unless they had a raging attack of it that was making their balls glow florescent green. To me, it seems like he might be using it as an excuse to cover up an even deeper secret. I mean, you never know: maybe he has a boyfriend on the side, and doesn’t want to sleep with your friend at all.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I’m a heterosexual man—honestly—but found myself becoming stimulated in the most embarrassing way while getting a Swedish rub-down from a male masseuse. Even worse: it was a couple’s massage, and my wife was lying next to me. She noticed, and hasn’t talked to me since. What can I say to her to make this better?

Eric, Melrose

Oh, Eric. You could always say to your wife, “I’ve never kissed a man—but I might have kissed a man who has.” Seriously, though… I suppose the question is, would your wife have been more or less pissed off if you’d reacted in the same way to a female masseuse? If you think she might have been cooler with it, you could always tell her it was the thought of a menage-a-trois that set you off, not the big glistening hunk of love muscle who was stimulating your deep tissue. Actually, no, don’t do that. All I can say is that in future, you might want to try avoiding other blokes when you’re down the parlour. Personally, I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable than being oiled down by some ex-Chippendale while Kenny G plays in the background. Don’t get me wrong: I ain’t got nothing against the gay community. But when someone says the word “Swedish” to me, I think Ingrid Bergman, not Bjorn Borg.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m still “friends with benefits” with my ex-boyfriend, even though he now has a new girlfriend—the same girl he cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. Should I tell her what the hell has been going on, since he hasn’t had the balls to be honest?

Rudy, South Carolina

If you’re looking for revenge, go ahead. But don’t kid yourself—it sounds to me like this is a play to get him back. You might also want to consider that if he’s cheated on you, and cheated on her, he’s probably screwing a few other people, too. I mean, the bloke doesn’t exactly sound like the faithful type. My advice would be to find a new guy and move on.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend’s father—Russian, ex-military—likes to get me drunk on vodka then take me to his banya (sauna) where we strip naked and he whips me with birch leaves. Is this weird?

Adam, New York

If some bird’s dad ever tried to get me naked and start whipping me with something—birch or otherwise— he’d get a punch on the fucking nose. Getting boozed up in a sauna ain’t a very clever idea, either… although I used to do it all the time at my old house in Staffordshire. I’d always take special precautions, mind you: before putting any water on the coals, I’d always top-off my lager with a splash of lemonade. A “lemonade top,” we used to call it. (Not the same thing as a shandy, which is half-and-half.) One other thing, Adam: generally speaking, any kind of physical activity in hot, steamy conditions is best avoided, unless you’re using the sauna to have a quickie with the nanny, which I once did, long ago. In that case, an exception can be made.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I wish my girlfriend were better endowed. Would it be rude to suggest a boob job? (I’d pay for it.)

Stan, Cheshire

The good thing about being Dr. Ozzy is that I sometimes get the opportunity to save lives. Stan, count yourself lucky, ’cos that’s what I’m about to do: under NO circumstances EVER bring this up with your girlfriend. If I made this suggestion to Sharon, believe me, the Osbourne crown jewels would end up halfway up my oesophagus. And to be honest I wouldn’t blame her. I mean, imagine if the situation was reversed, and your girlfriend asked you to get an enlargement of your own? How would that feel? If it’s really that important to you, dump the girl and find yourself a Page 3 model.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

What’s the best way to make a woman sleep with you?

Jake, New York

I always had a great chat-line up for the women. After a night out, I’d say, “Can I come back to your house and watch your telly?” It was brilliant, ’cos it made it sound like all I wanted to do was catch up on the News at Ten, when in fact I was planning to get them into the sack. No-one ever fell for it, though. Most of the time they just went, “I ain’t got a telly.”

III: BALLCARE

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This might sound strange, but I’ve noticed that when I stare at my testicles for a long time, they seem to move by all themselves… is this normal? It’s freaking me out!

Jason (13 years old), Kent

It’s normal. If they start moonwalking, you might have a problem… but they definitely move on their own, ’cos they’re surrounded by a layer of jelly and, as everyone knows who’s looked at a bowl of jelly before, it tends to wobble around a lot for no good reason. On a separate note: you might want to spend less time staring at your testicles.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

The skin on my penis has cracked due to (solo) over-use. Is this normal? If so, how can I make it heal?

Anonymous, New York

It’s called friction. Rub the skin on your elbow ten times a day and you’ll have exactly the same problem. Give your Upstanding Citizen a break for a while, then invest in some lubrication.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve been contacted by a very friendly woman on the internet who tells me that “male enhancement” surgery—ie, phalloplasty—is risk-free and guaranteed to make me a hero in bed. Should I proceed?

Larry, California