No. Next question…

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m an uncircumcised 16 year old and can’t retract my foreskin. I’m stressing out about it, but can’t face going to a doctor (which would mean telling my parents). What can I do?

Mark, Birmingham

First of all, under no circumstances start messing around with it yourself. Second: I appreciate that it’s embarrassing, but the best thing to do is have a quiet word with your dad, or if you’ve got one, an older brother. Bear in mind that your old man probably changed a few of your nappies when you were little, so you ain’t showing him anything he hasn’t seen a million times already. The same goes for your doctor: believe me, people have far worse problems than a sticky foreskin (which has gotta be pretty common). Just pluck up the courage and get it over with, ’cos it’ll seem like nothing as soon it’s done.

DR. OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY What Every Man Should Know…

¦ “Blue balls” is a real condition. It’s a kind of cramp that happens when you have a woody for a long time but never get to the fireworks ceremony. Another interesting fact: no female in medical history has ever accepted “blue balls” as a reason for a bonk.

¦ The average guy gets an average of five boners every night. If the average guy is anything like me, he also gets an average of zero shags.

¦ One ejaculation contains up to 400 million sperm. I’m guessing it was a woman who counted ’em, ’cos the bloke would have been fast asleep.

¦ With quick treatment, the survival rate for testicular cancer is about 95 percent. The trick is to check your balls regularly for lumps. Don’t do it during business meetings or at dentists’ appointments, though.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve heard that regular ejaculations are important to keep the prostate healthy as one gets older. As there is a history of prostate cancer in my family, would a regular “cleaning out of the system” be a good idea, purely from a health point of view? If so, how often?

Andy, Beaconsfield

You’re absolutely right, Andy. I recommend a vigorous spring cleaning once a day. It’s best done in private, but if you’re caught, mention the words “preventative medicine” and you’ll be fine.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I saw a yellow spongy froth come out of my 54-year-old boyfriend’s penis during ejaculation. He says it’s been three years since he had sex. Could it be “rusty pipes”? I’m a 38-year-old woman, and I’ve seen a lot—but I’ve never seen that before!

Haydee, Fleetwood, New York

Listen, Haydee: If I had yellow spongy frothy shit coming out of my dick, I wouldn’t be writing to Dr. Ozzy— I’d be running to the fucking hospital! It’s a cause for alarm, don’t you think? It reminds me of when I was younger, and this school friend of mine started to piss sperm. You ain’t never seen anything like it. We were all looking at him, our jaws on the floor, going, “Is this what happens when you reach 13? Is that his life supply— gone?” I’ve no idea what happened to that kid, but I hope he got it checked out. But back to your question: you could always get your boyfriend to knock a few out by himself, to see if the problem really is “rusty pipes,” but, personally, I’d be making a date with my local dick doctor—and not wasting any time about it, either.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Do men really suffer “shrinkage” in their private area after going swimming (especially in cold water)? If so, what sort of percentage reduction is normal—50 per cent? More?

Felicity, Muswell Hill

Yes, shrinkage is very real, and very upsetting. I don’t know about the percentage, though: I’ve never thought to get out my slide rule and calculator when it’s happened to me. Also, in case you’re wondering, hot water doesn’t have the reverse effect—otherwise you’d see guys walking around with electric kettles swinging from their underpants.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve decided I don’t want any more kids, so I’ve asked my doc to give me the snip. Good idea?

David, Edinburgh

There are a lot of ways to avoid having kids that don’t involve surgery. Also, the thing you’ve gotta remember about a vasectomy is that you can’t undo it—well, you can, but it ain’t easy. I’m speaking from experience here: in the 1980s, whenever I came back from a tour, I’d get Sharon pregnant, to the point when she had our three kids—Aimee, Kelly, and Jack—in three years on the trot. She’d had enough of being the size of a semi-detached house by then, so I went to my doc and told him to get out his sharpest pair of scissors and do what was necessary. The op was fine, although I had a bit of swelling afterwards (“Doc, can you make it not go away,” I said). The real problem came a few weeks later, when Sharon got all broody again. So I had to go back to the doc and ask him to unsnip me. “I wish you lot would bloody make your minds up!” he said to me. Anyway, whatever it was he did to glue my tubes back together obviously didn’t work, ’cos there weren’t any more little Osbournes after that.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Last month I noticed that in my right testicle, there seem to be two “balls” instead of one. I don’t have any pain, though—should I see my GP?

Saif, London

Yes, immediately. It could be something, or it could be nothing—but if you feel any kind of strange lump in your balls, you can’t ignore it, because it could be life-threatening. Testicular cancer is a lot more common than you’d think. A good friend of mine had it: they put some of his man-juice in a jar—in case he wanted to have kids later—got the scissors of doom out, then gave him a blast of chemo, just to be on the safe side. I’m not trying to be funny, ’cos it ain’t. And I’m not saying you’ve got cancer, either. But in a case like this, don’t mess around, man. Forget Dr. Ozzy. Go and see a real doctor.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m pretty sure I have a much-smaller-than-average penis. As a result, I’m scared of talking to girls and am thinking of getting enlargement surgery. Is this a good idea?

Hugh, New Mexico

Look, if it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it—’cos the only thing worse than a very small penis is a very small penis that shoot blanks and looks like some mutant fucking eel from outer space. I mean, just think of the shit that could go wrong, man. Those plastic surgeon guys couldn’t even get Michael Jackson’s face right, so why would you entrust them with your dick? I certainly wouldn’t believe the ads they send you on e-mail.

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