wouldn’t want to be a burden, y’know? So I’d at least want there to be some kind of process, not just squeeze- this-trigger-and-you’re-gone, see ya. Having said that, though, I’ve always told Sharon, “If my quality of life is terrible, if I can’t go for a piss by myself, if I’m paralysed—you have my permission to pull the plug.” I mean, people say, “That’s going against God.” But
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
It’s called English breakfast tea, with a good brand of honey. I get through about ten bowls of that stuff a day. I also eat as much fruit as I can. Forget bowls of brown M&Ms: the first thing I ask for when I go to any hotel room on the road is a selection of the local fruit. They also say that alcohol preserves… but I don’t believe that for one fucking second.
¦ When I was a kid, people counted themselves lucky if they lived long enough to get a gold watch and a retirement bash down the pub. Nowadays, you can be retired for longer than you ever worked. Take Jeanne Calment, the French chick who broke the record for the longest-ever (independently verified) human lifespan. She was born in 1875 in Arles and managed to outlive her entire family, including her grandson (he died in 1963 when he fell off a motorbike). She was so old, she’d even met Vincent van Gogh—although she thought the guy was a c***. (“Dirty, badly dressed, disagreeable… very ugly, ungracious, impolite [and] sick,” was what she told one interviewer.) She was a remarkable woman, Jeanne: she took up fencing at the age of 85; kept riding a bicycle until she was 100; and smoked every day until she was 117. Meanwhile, she never went on a diet, and never stopped eating her two favourite things: olive oil and chocolate. She passed away in 1997, by which time she was an unbelievable 122 years old and 164 days.
Dear Wonderful Doctor of Oz:
There’s an easy cure for this, Dusty: learn to walk on your hands. Give it a week, and the pain will be gone. Promise.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I don’t care if it’s a blood test, a urine test, or if they have to stick a bicycle frame up there—
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Here’s the problem with hanging on to your marbles for so long: you end up becoming very aware of how difficult, lonely, and painful your life is getting—and it doesn’t put you in a very good mood. I’ve personally never had to deal with that kind of situation, ’cos both my parents died quite young, and my father-in-law had Alzheimer’s, which meant he didn’t have a clue what time of day it was. As heavy-duty as Alzheimer’s is, I sometimes wonder if that’s the better way to go. But y’know, there’s no getting away from the fact that modern medicine has created a whole new set of issues when it comes to people living to these crazy ages—and I don’t think we’re anywhere near getting to the bottom of them. My only advice is to go to your doctor, tell him (or her) that this situation is gonna send you to the loony bin, and find out what kind of extra help might be available. Even if you have to pay for a private nurse out of your own pocket, it might be worth it. As you say,
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Meet the Worms
1. For a fee, a U.S. company will turn your cremated remains into…
a) Stained glass
b) A salad bowl (with optional tongs)
c) A diamond
2. What’s a “Sky burial”?
a) When your ashes are blasted into outer space on a Russian-made rocket
b) When your corpse is fed to vultures
c) When your ashes are thrown out of a plane over your favourite place
3. Which of these Last Will & Testaments are real?
a) The Australian bloke who left one shilling to his wife—“for a tram fare so she can go somewhere and drown herself”
b) The Beverly Hills socialite who asked to be buried in her Ferrari, wearing a lace gown, “with the seat slanted comfortably”
c) The Countess who left $80 million to her dog
4. What did Duke Ferdinand of Brunswick demand to have in his coffin?
a) A window
b) An air tube
c) A lid he could unlock and open—allowing him to walk out into his tomb if he “woke up” (the key was to be put in his shroud pocket)
5. “Angel Lust” is what, exactly?
