Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

41-60: Medical genius. If haven’t tried brain surgery yet, now might be the time.

21-40: Hypochondriac. You have just enough knowledge to be a danger to yourself and society.

0-20: Medical liability. You’re so clueless, you could end up accidentally stabbing yourself in the kidney while clipping your toenails. Wear Bubble Wrap and remain indoors at all times.

(Hazardous) Contents

Front Cover Image

Welcome

The Doctor Is In… sane

Introduction: A Note to all Patients

1 How to Cure (Almost) Anything

You’ll Never Be Ill Again… Probably

2 Have a Fucking Egg

The Truth About Diet & Exercise

3 Pruning

Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness

4 Family—The Other F-Word

You Love ’Em to Death, but They Drive You Fucking Mental

5 Surgery: Not Just for Professionals

If You Want Something Done… Do It Yourself

6 General Practise

Dr. Ozzy’s A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints

7 Genetics Explained. Sort OfBefore Reading, Apply Ice-Pack to Brain

8 Friends & Arseholes

For People Who Aren’t People People

9 The Jelly Between Your Ears

It Ain’t Easy, Being Mental

10 Sex, Romance & Ballcare

Dr. Ozzy’s Guide to the Bats and the Bees

11 The Pharmacology Section

What They Don’t Print on the Label

12 Croaking It

Getting Ready for the Great Moshpit in the Sky

Dr. Ozzy’s Prescription Pad

Epilogue: Take as Directed…

Quiz Answers

Copyright

Copyright

Copyright © 2011 by Ozzy Osbourne

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Hachette Digital

Little, Brown Book Group

100 Victoria Embankment

London, EC4Y 0DY

www.hachette.co.uk

www.littlebrown.co.uk

First eBook Edition: October 2011

ISBN: 978-0-7481-3008-5

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Notes

1

Before anyone gives me a bollocking, talk to a doc about your diet if you have high cholesterol.

2

According to The New England Journal of Medicine.

3

I ain’t making this up. The mum’s name is Ines Ramirex Perez, and she had the baby on March 5, 2000 (according to the Associated Press).

4

See diagram here.

Helpful Diagram: Hygienic Door Handle

© 2010 Tranquility Johnson (used with permission)

5

I’m fucked if I know what this is, apart from the fact it begins with the letter “Q.”