Long Time Dead

It was over.

Sure as shit, we were done.

I knew it. Didn’t question it. When we’d split the first time, I railed against the universe. Fought. Went for broke to get her back… but this was different. This was final. This was black-armband stuff. I had no hope in hell of getting Debs back and I accepted it fully. Truth told, I didn’t want her to have anything to do with me. I was in complete agreement with her stance: shut him out. Fucking right. I’d do the same if I could. But none of that stopped me caring; wondering how on earth she was coping. I knew her too well. I knew Debs’s soul. She would be shattered by the break. She would be suffering, staying in, sulking. Skipping friends and digging herself into her workday. I didn’t want that for her. I didn’t want her to be boxed off from reality. I wanted her to be happy. God, did I ever. I wanted that so much for her because, I knew, the cause of all her unhappiness was me.

A loud thumping started in my head. Like hammer blows. Maybe a road drill. It increased in intensity, then in volume. Thought: The fuck’s this? Stroke? I should be so lucky. Something rousted me back to the land of the living. My eyes jerked open. My mouth was as dry as a pie. As I steadied myself on the bones of my arse. The hammering started again.

It came from the front door.

I tried to raise myself. Wasn’t happening. Got one foot planted on the floor, knee bent. Tried to push. The floor got the better of me.

Louder blows.

Fuck, was that an actual hammer? Was guessing a sledger.

Hod came running through. ‘What’s going on?’

I found some juice in my legs, raised myself. ‘The door…’

‘Some fucker’s putting in my door!’

Hod legged it from the room, turned down the hallway to the front of the flat. I pegged it after him, hobbling like a jakey with one foot. My limbs ached, my heart pounded as if I was on the last hundred yards of a marathon but something kept me keeping on. When I rounded the corner the door was coming off its hinges. The only things keeping it up were some heavy-duty screws and security chain. Hod raised hands to his head, turned. He made that Twilight Zone face you see on the most scoobied from time to time, then balled fists.

The hammering kept up, then a chink of light came through above the chain. I didn’t have enough time to process what was coming as a red-tipped axe split through the links. Then the door fell open. Wood splinters and busted bits of metal sprung into the flat.

‘Holy shit!’ said Hod.

I was still away with it, but the sight of Danny Gemmill and another burly pug in black leather pushing in and slamming Hod against the wall brought me round.

There’s a phrase, act first, think later: I was making this my motto. Fired in with a haymaker right, cracked a nice bit of knuckle on bone but the effect wasn’t what I’d hoped for. Gemmill raised fingers to his cheekbone, as though he was wiping off a tart’s lipstick, looked at the tips then came for me.

I was quicker on my feet than I thought, dropped back a few steps, maybe managed three in total before the wall stopped me. I had less than a second to contemplate my next move. As the lump ran me, smiling, I launched my forehead at his coupon. Caught nose, got some noise from him. Thought: Result. As the hands went up to stem the blood flow, I put a thumb in his eye. This was new for me; I was going feral. Gemmill squealed. It was encouragement to me. Before I knew it I’d grabbed him round the neck – big mistake. In a flash he raised me off the floor with a swift jab, got to battering me against the wall but I hardly felt a thing. Truth told, my body was still too rubber from the sauce to register pain. As I flailed about I hoped to tire Gemmill out; caught sight of Hod getting the better of his man, raising up the axe and pinning him by the throat.

The whole scuffle was over in under five minutes.

When Gemmill dropped to his knees, Hod released his pug. The look on their faces said they couldn’t comprehend this turn of events. As Hod wielded the axe like Conan the Barbarian, something told me they were gonna have to believe it whether they wanted to or not.

‘Before I cut you both a new crack, better get speaking up,’ said Hod.

The pair breathed heavily, and what was that, drool? Fucking drool coming from them. Bloody troglodytes.

Said, ‘Liven up, lads. I’ve seen him take eyes out with blunter instruments.’

Gemmill, Leith as the Walk, spoke: ‘You know the score… fucking sure you do!’

‘You’re Shaky’s boy,’ said Hod. ‘But what the fuck you doing here? Just got my motor, didn’t you?… I’ve got a fortnight to pay up.’

‘Aye, but…’ Gemmill spoke through his bust nose, ‘Shaky’s no’ too pleased with that set ay wheels.’

‘The fuck you on about, Gemmill?’ I said. ‘It’s near twenty grand’s worth ay motor!’

Splutters, blood. ‘The alternator was gone, needed replaced, and the tyres were well tanned, had to put four new tyres on… And there’s nae fucking tax or owt.’ He was spewing, raging mad about a car that they could score the best part of twenty grand on. It didn’t stack up. This was crazy mental. If I didn’t know better I’d think Shaky was looking for an excuse to wipe Hod out.

‘You’ll be complaining I never emptied the bloody ashtrays next!’ said Hod.

‘Aye, well… aye, well… there wis a fag burn on the leather seat… passenger’s side.’

Hod glowered at me.

I bit back, ‘Wha’?’

‘Look, Shaky’s no’ fuckin’ chuffed,’ said the other one. Obviously not the brains of the operation – he had too much of a mouth on him. ‘Says that motor’s not buying you the two weeks he thought. That’s you on a week to come up with the poppy or-’

I slapped his face with my right palm. ‘Or fucking what, sunshine?’ He watched me hover over him. Wished I had the strength to remould this guy’s features round my kneecap, said, ‘Here’s what you tell Shaking fucking Stevens: He’ll get his poppy when we’re good and ready and if he doesn’t like that…’

‘Gus…’ Hod blasted.

I flagged him down, went on: ‘And if he doesn’t fucking like that then he can start playing the lottery to sort out his finances.’

The mouth arked up, ‘You must be off yer fucking heid, pal!’

‘I am… pure fucking Radio Rental.’ I made to grab the axe haft from Hod. It shook before the pug’s face. ‘Doubt me?’

The pair on the floor exchanged glances, first at each other then back to us. Hod held firm to the axe; it was a heavy job. No trouble going through a skull or two. Had I the strength, I was hyped enough to do it. I thanked Christ I hadn’t… Dury, get a grip, I told myself.

Said, ‘Now get the fuck out of here and tell that boss of yours that he’ll get his money when we have it, and if he comes for it before that then all he’s getting’s blood… and it’s not gonna be fucking mine!’

They shuffled back a few feet on the floor, eased up and walked slowly to the door. Gemmill looked fit to be tied, glowering and showing teeth at me like an angry pit bull. He spoke up: ‘I tell you, Dury, this is bad patter. I’m gonna kick yer cunt all over toon.’

I played hardball. ‘You can try, Gemmill.’

As they left I turned back to Hod. He’d slumped against the wall, slid slowly down onto his haunches, put his head in his hands. ‘Gus, what the hell have you done?’

I smiled. ‘What the fuck have I done? I should be asking you that question.’

He looked up, eyes like a child who’d been told there was no Santa. ‘What you on about?’

‘I’m on about all that for a few grannies owing to Shaky. Is there something you’re not telling me here, mate?’

‘Gus, you know that’s how Shaky’s boys carry on. Fuck me, we’ll be in boxes come the weekend, way you played them.’

I wasn’t buying that. Either Hod was holding back or somebody else was. And it wasn’t me.

‘Fuck off, Hod… We’ll talk about this later. But trust me, I know these types, they respect some balls.’

I was still flying, walked over to the wall, patted Hod on the head. It was quite dark outside; flicked the light switch but the bulb had gone. Tried the other switch but it seemed to have gone too.

‘Fused, eh?’ I said.