Eighteen Kisses

apologize. He sat down and I sat right beside him. I tried to hold his hand, but he brushed me away.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I know I didn’t spend much time with you tonight. I was just so busy. We had all these tasks to do for the magazine and then I had to perform as well.’ He looked unimpressed. He obviously didn’t want to hear about that. ‘I know things haven’t been great between us,’ I carried on, ‘but that’s because we haven’t been spending much time together. I’ll be home in Avarna soon and things will go back to the way they used to be.’

‘Will they though?’ said Nick, without looking at me. He was pulling at a loose thread on his denims, like he always did when he was trying to think of what to say.

‘Of course,’ I said. And I really meant it. I knew we’d gone through a rough patch, but I was sure that was over now.

‘I don’t know, Jacki,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I try so hard to make you happy, but it’s never good enough.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, confused. I wondered why he was talking like this. He didn’t sound himself; his voice seemed different, rehearsed. It was like I was listening to somebody else.

‘Being with you…’ he said. ‘It’s just so exhausting. I feel like you’re watching everything I do… waiting for me to mess up.’

There was no warmth in his words. It was like he was talking to a stranger. The word ‘exhausting’ echoed in my head. I was trying to make things right, why was he being like this?

‘I just find you so draining.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said, feeling anger rising inside me. ‘It must take a lot out of you to have to send one text message every four days.’

He didn’t seem to have a comeback for this, so I kept talking.

‘No, I’m serious,’ I said. ‘Poor you! You should probably go on a holiday or something. Try to recover from how exhausting I am.’

‘Will you just drop the texting thing?’ he said. ‘I told you I had a lot going on this week.’

‘Yeah, I know. But what’s the point of all this if you don’t even want to talk to me? You must not like me very much any more!’ I was practically shouting at him, and still he refused to look me directly in the eye, which was making me even angrier.

‘I do like you though,’ he said, finally looking at me. ‘That’s what’s so frustrating about all of this! I do like you, but nothing is ever good enough!’

‘Oh, come on, Nick, don’t try to turn this round on me. If you had made even the slightest bit of effort, then we wouldn’t be having this fight! What am I supposed to do? Ignore all the crappy stuff you do? Sit back and say nothing while you act like a total jerk? I’m not going to let you walk all over me. I tried keeping everything inside, I really tried! It didn’t make things any better!’

This was so infuriating. I couldn’t believe he was blaming me for this. I wasn’t the one who’d changed. I wasn’t the one who’d stopped caring.

‘I don’t see what the big deal is,’ he said. ‘So I didn’t text you – wow, what a crime.’ And he had that indignant look on his face. I wasn’t going to censor my words any more. He was being so cruel, I wasn’t going to hold back either.

‘I think you were punishing me,’ I said. ‘For not going to your gig.’

‘Well then, you’re crazy. I didn’t text you because I just didn’t feel like it. I knew I’d be seeing you today. I was going to tell you then. Can you just drop it?’

‘And the fact that you never want to call me means that we have a problem,’ I said, moving down the bench, away from him. I couldn’t believe he was acting like this.

‘Why didn’t you call me, huh?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you ask me how my gig went?’

‘Why should I?’ I was actually shouting now. ‘I’m always the one making the effort!’

He just shrugged.

‘Why can’t you just say sorry?’ I said desperately. ‘Why can’t you just admit that you were wrong? Would that really be so hard?’

‘I’m not saying sorry. Because I didn’t do anything!’

I was aware that most of the people in the smoking area were now watching us, but I didn’t even care. I was so angry I was about to cry. I pressed the tips of my fingers against my eyes, as if hoping to force the tears back in. Neither of us said anything for a while, until Nick finally spoke.

‘I think we should break up,’ he said.

‘What?’

‘I don’t think we’re right for each other any more. I don’t think we should keep going on like this.’

‘You don’t mean that,’ I said, lifting my head. But when I saw the look on his face I started to panic. There was no anger there. He just looked like he wasn’t bothered any more. He was serious. I felt like everything was collapsing around me. I felt like nothing else mattered apart from what was happening right now on this bench. I told myself he meant everything to me. I needed to fix this, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to reverse the damage I’d done.

‘I can’t do this any more,’ he said. ‘I don’t think we’re right for each other.’

‘We are,’ I said, fighting back tears. I couldn’t bear this. We were meant to have made up by now. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

‘I didn’t mean it,’ I said. ‘I was just angry. I’m under a lot of pressure. I didn’t mean to say those things. I didn’t mean that we should actually break up. Stop for a second and think about what you’re saying. Think about what you’re throwing away.’

‘I’m sorry, Jacki,’ he said. ‘This is how it has to be. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I don’t think we should force this any more.’

The indifference in his voice upset me so much. He didn’t seem upset at all; it was like he didn’t care what this was doing to me. He didn’t care that I could hardly breathe, that I was about to burst into tears. Why was he doing this to me now? He knew how much stress I was under. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I started to cry. He just sat there, watching me. Chris and Fitz walked in our direction and then hovered awkwardly near the bench. They seemed to be as shocked about this as I was. Chris looked at me sympathetically, but Fitz just glared at Nick as if to say hurry up.

‘I have to get the bus,’ said Nick. ‘Will you be all right?’

Was he for real? Did he actually just say that?

‘Oh yes, I’ll be fantastic,’ I said, then buried my face in my hands.

‘I’m sorry, Jacki,’ he muttered.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t look up. When I eventually did, they were gone. I rooted around in my bag for my phone. My hand was shaking as I scrolled down through the numbers, heavy tears dripping on to the screen.

‘Hey,’ said Hannah, picking up. ‘Sorry I bailed – had to catch the bus. I have rehearsals at half eight.’

‘He broke up with me,’ I sobbed down the phone.

‘What? Where are you?’

‘The smoking area.’ I wiped my eyes.

‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’

‘No, it’s OK. I thought you were still here. Go home, I’ll be fine.’

‘Stay there,’ she said. ‘I’m getting off.’

‘Seriously, it’s -’

‘Stop the bus!’ she screamed, and then hung up.

‘I mean, who the hell does he think he is?’ said Hannah.

‘What a total dickhead,’ said Sophie. ‘I’m so angry with him. SO angry with him… I hate him.’

‘He’s not even that hot,’ said Hannah. ‘He has a really big forehead.’

‘That’s true,’ said Sophie. ‘He does have a really big forehead.’

We sat in the ice-cream parlour across from Rage. It was empty apart from us and the ice-cream guy, who was drawing in his sketchbook and not taking any notice of our ranting. My mint choc-chip was melting into gloop and I swished it round with my spoon, unable to stomach it. Hannah and Sophie had been bitching about Nick for the past ten minutes, which did actually help to ease the pain a little. I wasn’t taking part any more; I was writing him an extremely long text instead, trying to explain why I’d been so difficult.

‘And he used the word literally in totally the wrong context once,’ said Sophie.