Eighteen Kisses

Whenever we’re in the same city, Hannah and I always get ready to go out together. It’s like a ritual. I go over to her house, or she comes over to mine, and we gossip as we listen to music and apply eye shadow and try to decide which top to wear. Right now I was at hers, watching as she stood on her bed, singing along to the Rolling Stones. I was wearing my new black dress, even though I felt like putting on my pyjamas and going back to bed. I still wasn’t feeling great – in fact I felt terrible. But I had to admit there was a possibility that Hannah was right – that forcing myself to go out and be sociable might actually make things better. So I was going to try it. I still hadn’t heard from Nick. I wasn’t proud of it, but I’d sent him one last text, asking him to talk to me. I’d regretted it immediately. I knew deep down that he probably wasn’t going to answer. I hadn’t told Hannah. I couldn’t deal with the disapproving glances that would follow that sort of confession.

‘So, who’s coming out tonight?’ I asked.

‘Ross,’ said Hannah. ‘And Sophie says she hates karaoke, but I reckon we’ll get around her. That’s it, I think, just the four of us. Not that many people were up for it.’

‘Yeah, how come your mum’s letting you go?’ I said. She was usually pretty strict, not that it ever actually stopped Hannah.

‘I told her you were broken-hearted and needed a distraction.’

‘Stop using my situation to feed your karaoke habit.’

Hazel had told me I could bring some friends to karaoke night in Rage for free. It was so nice of her. She hardly even knew me.

‘I dunno what I should sing,’ said Hannah. ‘Should I go for a classic or sing something a bit more out there?’ Hannah took karaoke way too seriously. She’d been attending musical theatre classes since she was four and had a very good voice. Although it wasn’t her first love, she wanted to be one of those actors who could also sing well if required.

‘Oh, I asked Dillon if he wanted to come,’ I said. I had kind of done it without thinking. He’d asked me what I was doing that evening and I’d invited him along. I told him he should definitely try to make it. Initially I’d been kind of embarrassed – it sounded like I really wanted him to go – but then I thought, Why not? It’s not like anything was going to happen and I didn’t have Nick around any more to get jealous about it.

‘Dillon?’ said Hannah.

‘Yeah, well, we did work together. He said he’s going to check with his friends and he might drop along later. I dunno if he will… he might.’

‘Oh my god,’ said Hannah.

‘What?’

‘You like him.’

‘What? No I don’t.’

‘You DO! You like Dillon!’

‘We’re just friends.’

‘You like Dillon. You’re right though. He is cute, especially since he cut his hair.’

‘I didn’t say he was cute, Hannah.’

‘How long have you liked him for? Why didn’t I spot this before? I suppose I wasn’t looking out for it. But now that you’ve got rid of that other tool… Are you going to kiss him? Or is it too soon?’

‘Hannah, I don’t even know if he likes me. I don’t know if I like him!’

‘Aha! You do like him!’

‘I didn’t say that!’ My cheeks turned red.

‘I knew it! Aww! That’s so cute. Dillon and Jacki, Jacki and Dillon. Jacki -’

I picked up the cushion from her desk chair and threw it at her.

‘OK!’ she said. ‘I’ll stop. He is cute though.’

‘Yeah,’ I said, admitting it to myself for the very first time. ‘He is.’

Rage had become one of my new favourite places. I just loved everything about it. I was happy to be there now; we’d even managed to drag Sophie along. Karaoke was due to begin in a few minutes and I was starting to feel a bit better. We were sitting at a table near the stage and already the place was packed. Hannah flicked through the list of songs. I knew this was exactly the kind of thing that Colin would love. I wished he was here, and I was tempted to text him, but I couldn’t face the thought of another person ignoring me. I just didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. I’d been so horrible to him after Nick had left me at the theatre that night, I wasn’t sure what to say to make it better.

‘What are you going to sing?’ Hannah asked me. ‘I’m torn between a few.’

‘I dunno,’ I said. ‘There are so many classics.’

‘It’s all right for you guys,’ said Sophie. ‘You’re the only ones who can sing.’

‘Er, speak for yourself,’ said Ross. Ross liked singing, but he hadn’t got a note in his head.

‘Ah, come on, Soph, it’s only a bit of fun,’ said Hannah. ‘You have to sing something.’

Sophie reluctantly took the song list off her.

I looked up and saw Dillon coming through the doorway. I watched him as he walked through the crowd. He was wearing his blue check shirt, the same one he’d worn on our first day in Electric.

‘Hey, guys,’ he said when he’d arrived at our table. ‘Mark and the others couldn’t make it.’ He sat down on the stool beside me. ‘God, I hate karaoke,’ he added.

‘Finally,’ said Sophie, ‘somebody who agrees with me!’

‘How come you’re here then?’ I asked, laughing.

‘Um… because you said you would be.’

I blushed. I didn’t think any of the others had heard him. I tried to come up with something clever to say back, to distract me from how I was feeling, but the words wouldn’t come and I ended up looking at the floor. Not a very smooth move, but I wasn’t quite ready to suggest to Dillon that I had feelings for him. It would mean a final closure on everything I’d had with Nick. And as much as I hated him for what he’d done to me and really wanted to let go, I wasn’t able to do that just yet.

Hannah kicked me under the table, then winked. Oh good. Someone had heard what Dillon said.

I kicked her back and tried to look angry, but even though I was confused, I couldn’t help smiling.

‘We need some really bad singing,’ said Dillon, who had noticed Hannah’s antics. He picked up the song list. I realized he had deliberately moved things on to make me feel less awkward. He went up and added his name to the list.

About fifteen minutes later, he was nervously approaching the mic. The intro to Thin Lizzy’s ‘Old Town’ came on, and I cheered. ‘This one’s for Jacki,’ he said. His voice was actually not bad, and when he smiled at me I couldn’t help but feel so much better.

‘I’m just going out to get some air,’ I said to Hannah several songs later. The weird sickness I’d been feeling all week had come over me again and I needed some space.

I stepped into Rage’s outside terraced area, its ceiling covered in hundreds of tiny twinkling fairy lights, and was surprised to see Dillon already leaning against the balcony.

‘Hi, Jacki,’ he said. ‘Are you not gonna sing? I suppose I can’t blame you. It’d be hard to beat my performance.’

I laughed despite how I felt. ‘You’d think. I’m actually not feeling that great so I came out for the air.’

‘Well, I’m glad you’re here anyway.’

I shivered in the cold. Dillon saw and moved towards me, taking off his coat. ‘Here, put this on.’

‘No, it’s OK. I…’ Dillon’s hand brushed against my neck as he pulled his coat tightly round me. The touch sent my heart beating faster. He moved slowly closer to me. I didn’t move away. Then he leaned forward and kissed me. His lips met mine and for a moment it felt amazing – breathtaking and electric. But, just as quickly as it had happened, I realized what I was doing and pulled back.

‘What’s wrong. Are you OK?’ Dillon asked, looking worried. ‘I’m sorry, I just… I thought you wanted to -’

‘No, it’s not you, I promise.’ I shook my head sadly. ‘Listen, Dillon, I like you, I really do. But I don’t think I can do anything about it at the moment. This is going to sound like an excuse, but I swear it’s not. I just have to be honest – I’m not entirely over Nick. I like you, but I don’t think I can get into anything right now. I don’t think it would be fair to you, I’m just such a mess. I know I shouldn’t be with Nick, and I hate him so much, but I can’t let