Never Knowing

“We have counterattack vehicles set up so it just looks like we’re out to get drunk drivers. I think we’re close, Sara. I don’t think he wants to hurt her, but he doesn’t know what to do with her either. There’s a chance you can convince him to let her go.” “Do you honestly think so, Billy? Do they ever let them go?”

“It depends on how much of a risk he thinks she is. But odds are in our favor. We just have to exploit the enemy’s dispositions to attain victory.”

“What the heck does that mean?”

“You need to flatter him, convince him you think he’s a nice guy. That you know he’ll do the right thing. He wants to be your father. Treat him like one.” My stomach coiled in on itself and my guts cramped.

“I’ll try. I have to go—” I made it to the bathroom just in time.

But I didn’t hear from him again that night. Billy checked in later and told me the roadblock hadn’t turned up anything except a couple of impaired drivers. The next morning, Saturday, Evan came home. The minute he walked through the door I hugged him so tight he had to practically peel me off. As he unpacked I followed him from room to room, telling him everything that had happened, every conversation I’d had with Billy or Sandy since. I was keyed up, jumping at every noise and talking a mile a minute, but just knowing he was home and could distract Ally if John called again was a huge relief.

Ally hadn’t forgotten my promise to do something as a family that weekend, and she made sure she told Evan about it while he made us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. I’d already reassured her as soon as we woke up that we’d go to the park later, but she’d looked at me doubtfully. It didn’t help that I’d been on the phone all morning right up until Evan got home. First with Billy, then Lauren called. I hadn’t talked to her since we went shopping, so I had to chat for a bit or it would look odd, but acting normal on the phone took so much energy I was exhausted by the time I hung up.

After lunch we headed down to the seawall and Maffeo Sutton Park — Ally loves the playground there and we usually take her to the ice-cream parlor on the promenade. I did my best to enjoy some precious time with my family, but I kept taking out the cell in my pocket, making sure it wasn’t on vibrate.

When we got to the ice-cream parlor we ordered hot chocolates and a small bowl of ice cream for Ally, who insisted we get a bowl for Moose. We were sitting at an outdoor table near the marina, watching people walk past on the boardwalk with their baby carriages and dogs, when my cell rang. Evan froze and my stomach clenched, but when I saw who it was I mouthed, Billy, to Evan, who nodded and headed inside to the bathroom.

Billy told me they were now searching campsites and motels, hitting grocery stores and every gas station they could with John’s sketch, checking surveillance cameras. We hung up just in time for me to see Ally spill hot chocolate down her coat. As I walked toward the shop to grab a napkin, I heard my cell ring on the table.

I spun around.

Ally lifted the cell to her ear.

“Ally, no! Don’t answer it!”

I sprinted toward the table. I was almost there — my hands reached for the phone.

She said in a singsong voice, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now ’cause she’s spending time with me,” and hung up.

She handed me the phone, then went back to eating her ice cream. I grabbed her shoulders and spun her toward me. She dropped her spoon.

“Ally, you’re never supposed to touch my phone.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “But you’re always talking on it.” The woman at the next table gave me a dirty look and whispered to her friend. I let go of Ally and flipped open my phone.

Evan ran out of the shop. “I heard yelling, what’s going on?”

I scrolled through received calls. Please, please, please let it have been Billy.

The last call was from John’s number.

Evan said, “Sara, what happened?”

I tried to answer, but I was frozen.

Ally sobbed. “I told the man Mommy was busy.”

Evan’s face paled as he looked at me. Hand over my mouth, I nodded. He tried to put his arm around me, but I shrugged it off.

“I have to think.”

Stop. Breathe. He might not have turned his cell off right away. He might be as shocked as I was.

I walked a few paces from Evan and Ally and dialed John’s number. I had to start over twice.

He answered on the first ring.

“John, I’m so sorry, but—”

He said, “You lied,” then hung up.

I turned and looked at Evan. He was sitting beside Ally with his arm around her shoulders. Our eyes met and I shook my head. He stood up and started to clear the table as he said something to Ally. They walked over to where I was leaning against the railing, my hand gripping the cold metal. Ally wouldn’t look at me.

Evan said, “Let’s head back to the car, your mom’s turning blue, Ally.”

I smiled at her and pretended to shudder as I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. But she still wouldn’t look at me. As we walked toward the parking lot, Evan grabbed my hand in his and held tight. We stared at each other while Ally walked ahead with Moose on his leash. All I could think about was Danielle. Did I just sentence her to death?

I said, “Billy and Sandy will probably—”

My cell rang and my heart stopped. I grabbed it, looked at the call display, and let out my breath.

“It’s Billy.”

Evan said, “I’ll go ahead with Ally.” He caught up to her and took her hand. Following behind, I answered the phone.

“God, Billy, what are we going to do?”

It was Sandy. “Billy’s on the other line. What happened? How did Ally get the phone?”

“It was on the table, I just turned my back for a second.”

“Sara, we went over this. You knew if he caught you in a lie he’d probably kill Danielle.”

“I didn’t know Ally was going to answer it — she’s not supposed to, but I’ve been on it so much lately she just—”

“It shouldn’t have been out of your hands for a second.”

I raised my voice. “I’m going to hang up if you keep talking to me like this, Sandy.”

She was silent for a moment, and when she spoke again her voice was calm.

“The calls came from Clearwater, which is north of Kamloops, but we’ll put a patrol car on your street tomorrow and have someone follow you when you leave.”

“You think he’s coming this way?”

“We don’t know where he’s going.”

My heart was going nuts in my chest. “What about Ally? She has school and—”

“Talk to her teachers, tell them there’s a custody issue. Make sure they know she’s not to go with anyone. Take her right to her class, and tell her to wait with her teacher until you pick her up. Don’t let her out of your sight.” “You don’t think — he wouldn’t hurt Ally, would he?”

“All we know is that he’s very angry and a woman’s probably dead by now because of this.”

“Stop blaming me, Sandy. Maybe if you were doing your job, he wouldn’t be calling in the first place. Why aren’t there more men on this?”

“We have every member of Serious Crimes on this now, but it’s a process—”

“Well, your process isn’t working.”

This time I hung up the phone and stalked toward the car with self-righteous anger spurring me on. But then I thought of Danielle and my mind filled with images of her dying on a forest floor, clawing at mounds of earth, begging for her life. And the truth burned like acid in my gut. It was my fault.

The ride home was silent, Evan’s face tense when he reached over and held my hand. Grateful for the