Never Knowing

Billy called my cell right away, but Ally was bumping her cart into the backs of my legs and I knew she’d reached her limit. She wasn’t the only one.

“Give me a bit, Billy. I’ll call you as soon as I get home.” I rushed through the rest of my shopping, then made Ally a quick lunch back at the house and let her pop in a movie.

I called Billy from my landline. “Did you get him?”

“He was using a pay phone at a campsite near Bridge Lake, west of Clearwater.” Billy sighed. “By the time they got there, he was gone. He probably had his vehicle parked below and cut through the woods. The tracking dogs lost the scent.” “What are we going to do? I don’t want him to talk to Ally, and obviously I can’t meet him.”

“We don’t want you to do anything that puts you at risk, but—”

“There’s no way I’m meeting him.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“So what should I do?”

“He’s going to keep upping his demands, so we want you to be ready for that.” Billy’s voice was casual, but something felt off.

Then I got it. The police wanted me to meet with him, but they couldn’t ask me to do it.

Sandy got on the phone. “Sara, why don’t you come into the station this afternoon and we’ll discuss it?”

“Fine.”

I dropped Ally off at Meghan’s again — grateful her mom loved having her — and headed to the police station. Sandy and Billy took me into the room with the couch again. This time Billy sat down beside me and I studied the side of his face. Was Melanie right? Did he like me? He turned and flashed a quick smile, but I didn’t see a hint of anything other than friendliness. I had bigger things to worry about right now. Sandy paced back and forth in front of the couch.

I said, “You want me to do it, don’t you?”

Sandy said, “We can’t ask you to put yourself in danger.”

“What if I wanted to meet him?”

She jumped on it. “You need to pick the spot before he does, but do it casually, you don’t want him suspicious. Location is paramount — we have to consider the public’s safety.”

“What about my safety? Aren’t you supposed to be worried about that?”

“Of course your safety is our primary concern. We’ll make sure—” She caught herself. “If you decided you wanted to do this, we’d be there the entire time.”

“Oh, perfect, so he can spot you and then kill me?”

“He’d never know we were there. We’d pick a location that doesn’t have a lot of people around, but nothing too remote, and we’d have undercover officers covering you every minute.”

Billy said, “We’ll plant a wire device on you, but the plan is for us to arrest him before he has a chance to get close to you.”

“Wait a minute. You have a plan already? When did I agree to do this?”

They stared at me.

Finally Billy said, “Nobody’s planning anything, we’re just talking. But if this is something you choose to do so we can arrest John, we’ll do everything in our power to protect you. Like Sandy said, your safety is our main concern.” I eyed Sandy. “I’m not so sure about that.”

Sandy pulled a chair close in front of me and sat down. She grabbed a file off the table at her side, pulled out a picture, and thrust it in front of my face.

“I want you to take a good look, Sara.”

It was a photo of Danielle’s corpse. Her face was pale, her neck bruised. Her eyes bulged out and her blackened tongue stuck out of her mouth.

I jerked back in my chair and closed my eyes.

Billy grabbed the photo out of Sandy’s hand.

“What the hell, Sandy?”

“I’m getting a coffee.” She shoved the file at him and walked out of the room. The door banged shut behind her.

“I can’t believe she did that.” I pressed my hand against my heart. “Her eyes and her tongue…”

Billy sat on the couch near me. “I’m really sorry, Sara.”

“Aren’t there rules about that sort of stuff? She’s a sergeant!”

“I’ll talk to her. She’s just in a bad place today. Losing Danielle was really hard on her. She wants to catch John before he kills someone again — we all do.”

“I understand, but I have a daughter. If something happened to me…” My voice broke.

Billy leaned back in the couch and let out a big breath.

“And that’s another reason we need to catch him soon — so you can stop living in fear. But if it makes you feel any better, you’re probably the one person who’s not in danger from John. You’ve done a great job at gaining his trust.” “Does he trust me, though? He still makes sure he doesn’t stay on the phone long. So why is he willing to risk meeting me?”

“It’s possible he’s setting up a meeting so he can do countersurveillance and see whether you’re working with the police. He’s a hunter, so he either stalks his prey or flushes them out. But I think he really does trust you. He’s arrogant enough to believe you would never betray him.” Prey, that’s exactly what I was to John. But I felt more like a sitting duck. My stomach rolled.

“But I am lying, and when he realizes—”

“He’ll be in handcuffs. But maybe you shouldn’t meet him, Sara. Not if you’re this scared.”

“Of course I’m scared, but that’s not it. I just … I need to think about it.”

“You should think it over.”

“And I’ve got to talk to Evan.”

“Sure, if he has any concerns I’d be happy to talk with him.”

That would go over great. But I said, “I’ll let you know.”

Billy walked me out of the station. There was no sign of Sandy, who I hoped was getting reamed out by a superior.

At the Cherokee he said, “I won’t lie to you, Sara. Meeting with John is risky, but you already know that. But I also know you’ll make the right decision in the end.” Then he closed my door.

I picked up Ally and made my way home, still trying to figure out what had just happened back at the station. Was I actually considering meeting John? Had I totally lost my mind? For the rest of the afternoon, Ally and I played at the park with Moose, but only part of me was there. My cell phone was mercifully quiet, but my head spun. Should I do it? Was I a horrible person if I didn’t? What if he killed another woman? But what if he killed me?

My mind conjured images of Ally and Evan weeping at my funeral, of Lauren raising Ally and Evan taking her for ice cream when he came home on weekends. But then there were the images of me standing bravely in a park, spotting John and speaking cryptically into a wire device. A SWAT team swarms in and wrestles him to the ground. Families of the victims call with tearful thanks, saying they’ve finally found peace.

No matter where my thoughts took me, I couldn’t get the image of Danielle’s face out of my head. I hated that Sandy used her photo to manipulate me. I hated that it worked.

Later, while Ally had her bath, Evan and I talked on the phone. When I told him John wanted to meet, his first response was, “No way, Sara. You can’t do it.”

“But what if this is the only chance to catch him?”

“You can’t risk your life like that — what about Ally?”

“I said that too, but the cops don’t think I’m in any real danger, and—”

“Of course you’re in danger. He’s a serial killer and he just murdered a woman. Isn’t he already breaking his pattern or whatever they call it?”