Never Knowing

“It’s going to be awesome.”

“I’ll call you soon.” I was about to hang up when he said, “Wait, I got a joke for you. You’ll like this one.”

“Sure.”

“One man says to another man, ‘Did you ever hunt bear?’ and the other man says, ‘No, but I went fishing in my shorts.’” He laughed loudly.

I said, “That’s a good one,” and forced a laugh.

“Tell Ally.” His voice was excited. “She’ll love it.”

You have no idea what my daughter would love.

“Sure, she’ll crack up.”

Sandy called as soon as I hung up and her excitement radiated through the phone so strongly I wanted to hold the receiver away from my ear. They thought he was traveling west along the border — toward Vancouver. Even though he’d talked longer, the signal connected with a tower in Washington State and threw them off his trail. They wanted to meet me at Pipers Lagoon so we could walk the area and make sure we were all on the same page. I dropped Ally off at a friend’s and headed over to the park.

Dressed in blue jeans and with her perpetual windblown appearance, Sandy looked like she was in her element. Billy was wearing a baseball cap pulled low, a windbreaker, and dark denim jeans with hiking boots, which gave him a rugged look that wasn’t wasted on a couple of women who checked him out as they walked by. He and Sandy scoured the area for the best vantage points. We decided which bench I should sit at and they pointed out a few locations where they’d have undercover officers.

Sandy wanted Billy stationed in the parking lot, but he said, “I worked out a plan last night. I think we need to take him down before he gets to the parking lot. ‘On enclosed terrain, if we occupy it first, we must block it, and wait for the enemy.’ We can put a car at the base of the hill and one at the top where—” “I don’t have time for one of your quotes,” Sandy said. “I want him in the parking lot when we arrest him. I’m not losing him into one of the driveways bordering the road.”

“Understood, but I just think—”

“I don’t like it.” She walked away with her cell to her ear.

I’d have told her off, but Billy just stared after her for a moment. If it wasn’t for the red wave crawling up his neck, I wouldn’t have known he was even pissed.

I said, “See, her attitude sucks.”

He smiled. “Come on. Let’s walk the route again.”

The rest of the weekend I never heard from John once, which was terrifying because I had no idea how close he was. If he kept driving after his last call he could already be on the island. And if that wasn’t stressful enough, we don’t know how he might come over — there are two ferry terminals in Vancouver, but he could also take the ferry from Washington to Victoria, then drive up the island to Nanaimo. I was driving myself crazy imagining every possible scenario, wondering where he was every minute. Thank God Evan came home on Sunday. I’d cleaned the house from top to bottom that morning, then made him chicken cordon bleu in an effort to keep myself sane, or at least busy. But neither of us could eat much. After dinner Evan called Billy and asked how the meeting was going to go down. His tone was polite as they talked, but his expression told me he wasn’t happy about the conversation.

Later we snuggled on the couch. Evan was quiet while I babbled about Moose’s new organic food, my suspicion that one of our neighbors is growing pot, what to do with Ally this summer — everything and anything to stop myself from thinking about what was going to happen the next day. When I finally paused for breath he pulled me in tight against him.

“Sara.”

“Hmm?”

“You know how much I love you, right?”

I turned to him. “You think something’s going to happen to me tomorrow!”

He didn’t meet my eyes. “I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s what you’re thinking.”

This time he looked at me, his face serious. “You sure you don’t want to call this thing off?”

“Nope, tomorrow they’re going to arrest John and he’ll be out of our lives once and for all.” I tried for a big smile, tried to believe what I was saying.

“This isn’t funny, Sara.”

My smile faded. “I know.”

That night in bed we held each other close as we went over everything again. Finally we fell asleep, but I dreamed I was being hauled away to prison. Ally cried through the glass and Evan came and visited me with Melanie — his new wife. I woke up at five-fifteen a.m., glanced at the clock, then stared at Evan’s sleeping form, thinking for the hundredth time, Am I doing the right thing?

The next morning Evan made pancakes. We were joking around with Ally while Moose grunted and snorted his way through his own plateful, but Evan and I kept meeting eyes over our coffees, and I checked my cell phone over and over. Was John already on the island? Was he close? Did he know my address? What if he showed up here? I checked the alarm and caught Evan rechecking it.

After we dropped Ally off at school, where a patrol car would be parked outside all day, we headed to the police station. Evan waited while they fitted me with a wire device. I was to drive down to the park, walk to the bench, sit, and wait. Evan was to go with the police in the main vehicle so John wouldn’t see us together. If for some reason he did get close, I was to make sure I didn’t go near any car, mine or his, and to keep lots of space between our bodies. All these commands were couched as cautions and followed by “if you still want to go through with this.” The message was clear: if the shit hit the fan and I got hurt, the police wanted it known I was doing this of my own free will.

Once I got to Pipers Lagoon, Sandy would park down the road in the command unit with Evan. Billy would be one of the undercover agents acting as workmen installing new signs in the parking lot. Other police officers would be scattered around as dog walkers and birders. One female officer was going to push an empty stroller with a strategically placed blanket and another was stationed on the hill above my bench, sketching the ocean. I was relieved they were bringing in so many members — they weren’t taking any chances. But I was.

About half an hour before I was supposed to meet John I left the station. On the way there the sun broke through the clouds, bouncing off cars and shining into my eyes. My head started to pound and I realized I hadn’t taken my pill that morning. I reached into my purse and hunted for an ibuprofen, but the bottle was empty. Perfect.

The closer I got to Pipers Lagoon, the more my heart climbed into my throat. Why had I ever agreed to this? My mind was filled with images of all the things that could go wrong: John grabs a hostage. John grabs me. Evan jumps out to help and gets shot. The urge to call everything off was huge.

I parked and looked around at the other vehicles. No trucks. What if he’d rented a car? I didn’t see any license plates for a rental company. I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs. Okay. All I have to do is get out and walk to the bench.

I took a deep breath, climbed out of the Cherokee, and started along the graveled path, holding my coat tight as the wind off the ocean grabbed at it. For a moment I panicked when a young couple hovered near the bench I was supposed to sit at. Thankfully, they moved on.

As I waited, my head started to pound harder and my eyes began to water. My migraine was coming in fast. I glanced at my watch, then looked around the parking lot again.

Twelve-thirty arrived, but no sign of John. I watched every vehicle that pulled in. The wind whipped my hair around, obscuring my vision. I pushed it back. A man got out of a small car. I held my breath. He stood for a moment and glanced around, then took off his baseball cap. I caught a flash of reddish hair. Oh, God, it was him. He closed his car door and started walking down the path. Where were the police? They