Never Knowing

Focus. Breathe. It’s okay. You’re safe now.

Evan whispered, “Want me to stay with you?” but even his soft voice burrowed like daggers into my temple.

I shook my head and pulled the pillow over my face.

“I’ll check on you in a while.” He gently closed the door behind him.

A few minutes later I heard Evan and Sandy talking downstairs. Sounds of a vehicle outside, then another male voice. I rolled into a fetal position, focused on my breathing, and let the pills take me away.

When I woke up it was the middle of the night. Evan was lying beside me.

“Want some water, baby?”

I murmured a yes and he warned me to cover my eyes when he turned on the lamp. He filled up a glass in the bathroom and carefully handed it to me in the dim light.

I sat up. “Thanks.”

Our voices hushed, he filled me in on everything that happened after I fell asleep. Billy stayed at the house with me while Sandy and Evan picked up Ally from school. Evan told Ally that Sandy and Billy were friends from the lodge and were going to be staying with us for a while. Ally didn’t seem to mind and in fact loved Sandy, of all people. Now Billy was sleeping on the couch downstairs and Sandy in the spare room beside Ally.

I said, “Sandy must be so pissed about what happened today.”

“She’s okay. She kind of reminds me of how you get when you’re obsessed by something.”

“Gee, thanks.”

He laughed softly.

“What are we going to do, Evan?”

“We’ll just have to play it safe for the next couple of days and see if he calls again. This is exactly what I was afraid of, though.”

“What?”

“That something wouldn’t go right and he’d be even more of a threat.”

“They would’ve got him if he hadn’t found out I was lying about Ally.”

“I didn’t think you should be telling him anything about Ally in the first place.”

“I had to tell him something, and I really don’t need the I-told-you-so.”

“Sorry.” Evan took a deep breath. “I just don’t ever want to go through another day like today.”

“Me neither. The thing that worries me the most is, how did he know I was lying?” We were both silent for a moment. “You don’t think he’s been talking to someone we know?”

“None of our friends are stupid enough to share personal details about your daughter with a stranger, Sara.”

“It could be someone from her school — a teacher or one of the other parents, even one of the kids or something. Or…”

“What?”

“Melanie works at a bar,” I said. “What if he came in and said he had a six-year-old daughter or something? She might’ve started talking about her niece.”

“That’s a stretch — she’s more apt to be talking up Kyle’s band.”

“Oh, crap.” I sighed. “I said we’d listen to his CD, for the wedding.”

“We’ll do it soon.”

“We better, or she’s going to be pissed.”

“Melanie’s the least of your problems right now.”

We were quiet again, then he said, “No, I have a feeling he’s been to the island and he’s been watching you.” His arm tightened around me. “Keep an eye out. Look for any vehicles that may be following and pay attention to your surroundings.” “I always do.”

“No, you don’t. You get distracted. Promise you’ll be careful.”

I spoke slowly, exaggerating each word. “I promise to be more aware of my surroundings.”

He kissed my temple and gave me a squeeze. Tucked into Evan’s arm, with the warmth of his body against my side and the steady sound of his heart beating in my ear against his chest, I started to drift off.

He murmured in the dark, “I don’t want you to talk to him again, Sara.”

I whispered into his shoulder, “I won’t. I’m done.”

But I haven’t heard from John since. Evan stuck around the last couple of days. So did Billy and Sandy, which is why I didn’t come for my session yesterday. It wasn’t so bad having them there, I guess. Usually one of them went to the station during the day, and it was nice having someone escort Ally to school with me, but I missed my alone time with Evan — I missed my alone time.

Billy was the one who usually hung out at the house during the day, which was not helping my relationship. A couple of times Evan walked by when I was grilling Billy about the case or his theories on John, and Evan got this look. One night after he went to bed, Billy and I stayed up talking about different cases he’d worked on. When I finally crawled into bed Evan rolled over and put his back to me. I asked what was wrong — twice — and he said, “I don’t like how friendly you’re getting with Billy.” “Um, he’s staying in our house. What am I supposed to do, ignore him?”

“He’s a cop. He’s supposed to be professional, not chatting up my fiancee.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. We were talking about old cases.”

“I don’t like the guy.”

“That’s obvious — you were rude to him at dinner.”

“Good. Maybe he’ll get the hint and go sit in the fucking squad car.”

“I can’t believe you’re being such a jerk. He’s like a brother to me, Evan.”

“Just go to sleep, Sara.”

This time I turned my back on him.

Part of me sees Evan’s point — can’t say I’d like it if he started hanging out with Sandy all the time — but I meant what I said: Billy’s become like an older brother to me, a really protective older brother who carries a gun. One time when I had to meet him at the station I saw him walking a woman to her car. As she got in I caught a glimpse of her bruised face. When I asked Billy about her, he shook his head and said, “Another abusive husband on a bender.” “Was she getting a restraining order?”

He snorted. “Yeah, but they’re a waste of paper. Half of the abusers go after the women anyway. And they usually get away with it.” He stared at the woman’s car as it drove off. “She’ll end up in the hospital next time. Her husband needs a taste of his own medicine.” Something in his voice prompted me to ask, “Have you ever done that? Taken things into your own hands?”

He turned to me, his face serious. “Are you asking if I’ve broken the law?”

I tried to laugh off my impulsive question, then said, “I don’t know, I can see you as the masked crusader type.”

He looked down the road again. “‘The skillful strategist cultivates the way and preserves the law, thus he is master of victory and defeat.’” He turned to me. “Come on, let’s get a coffee.”

Even though Billy blew off the question with yet another quote, I had a feeling he might have done a little street justice in his time. It doesn’t bother me if he did. In fact, I like it. That’s the kind of person I want on my side. He told me once he’s still close to a few victims he worked with, that for him “the case doesn’t stop until someone’s behind bars or dead.” I hope he adds John to that list — in either category.

There was a call on my cell this morning, but it only rang twice, then stopped. Not that I was going to pick it up anyway — I’d already told Sandy I’m not answering if John calls again. I thought they’d give me a hard time, but they both kept their opinions to themselves. They probably think I’ll change my mind. Not a chance. The number was from a pay phone near Williams Lake, so it looks like he’s off-island. Maybe I well and truly pissed him off this time and I won’t ever hear from him again.

I wonder what that would be like after so long. Will I spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder? Waiting for the phone to ring? Can something like this ever really be over?