Never Knowing

were supposed to grab him right away.

Closer, closer, closer.

Finally the man was close enough for me to see his face. He was too young. I let out my breath. He gave me an odd look as he passed by. I focused back on the parking lot. Had I missed someone? No new vehicles. I checked my watch. Another five minutes had passed. Where was he?

My heart was beating so fast I was worried something was wrong, but I put it down to nerves. Even though it was sunny, the wind was cold and my body felt like it had been dipped in ice. I shuffled my legs back and forth and tucked my hands into my armpits.

Another ten minutes passed. Still nothing. I took the cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the last number John had called me from. No answer. What was going on? Was he even on the island?

I stood up and looked around. The female policeman on the rocks above me was sketching and gazing out at the ocean. I sat down, feeling my head spin as the migraine clenched at the base of my neck. I looked at my watch again: a half hour after our meeting time. I was still considering what to do when the cell in my pocket rang.

I picked it up and flipped it open. I didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Are you there?”

“John, I was starting to wonder. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know, Sara, you tell me.” Dread oozed over me.

“What’s going on? I’m waiting for you like we agreed.”

“You seem to have a problem telling the truth.”

I glanced around. Was he watching me? Was anyone watching me? A shiver slid down my spine.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, John.”

“You haven’t been telling me the truth about Ally.” My mind scrambled over everything I’d told him. What could he have possibly found out?

I said, “I’ve always tried to be as truthful as possible.”

He chanted, “Ally loves Barbies. Ally’s good at sports. Ally doesn’t like science.”

I sucked in my breath. “Have you been watching me?”

“You lied.”

I was scared, but I was also angry. “Ally is my daughter, John. My job is to protect her. You shouldn’t have been asking those questions.”

“I can ask whatever questions I want.”

Get a grip, Sara. Remember who you’re talking to.

“Let’s both calm down and start over, okay?”

“It’s too late.”

“It’s never too late with family — that’s what being a family is about.”

He was silent.

My heart was going nuts. I pressed my hand against it.

Finally John said, “Check the bathroom stall — the last one. I’ve left something for you.”

“Right now?”

“I’ll call you back.” He hung up.

I got to my feet and headed down the path toward the outdoor bathroom at the far end of the parking lot. My eyes frantically searched the hills, the beach, decks of the houses overlooking the lagoon. Was he watching me? I glanced back over my shoulder. The policewoman on the hill was packing up her things and talking into a cell phone. Once I reached the parking lot I passed by Billy and the other cops. Billy was talking into his phone too, but he gave me a nod. Did that mean I should keep going?

On my right, I spotted the policewoman with the stroller heading to the bathroom. She almost made it to the entry before me, but an older woman leaving the bathroom started talking to her — gesturing like she was asking for directions. I hesitated at the entrance, but if I waited any longer it was going to look weird. I took a deep breath and went in.

Thankfully no one was in the bathroom, so I went to the last stall and eased open the door. At first glance there was nothing unusual — it must be in the toilet tank. I wondered if I should wait before checking, but I didn’t know how long I had until John called back. With shaky hands, I lifted the lid off the tank. A Barbie doll floated facedown in the water. I knew I shouldn’t touch it. I flipped it over with my pinky nail.

The face was melted off.

I tore out of the bathroom, almost bumping into the policewoman, and raced to the Cherokee. My hands shook as I fit my key in the door lock. Finally I was racing down the road — my cell rang. I caught my breath, but it was just Billy.

“You okay, Sara?”

“Ally, she’s at school and—”

“We have someone watching the school right now.”

“I want to talk to Evan.”

“We need to go over some things with you—”

“Now, Billy.” I hung up.

Evan called right away. “You okay?”

“No.” I told him about the Barbie.

“Jesus. Billy said he was a no-show, but he didn’t—”

“I don’t feel good.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have a migraine and my heart’s beating really fast. It’s hard to breathe and my chest feels all tight.”

“It’s probably just from the anxiety and—”

I raised my voice. “It’s not a panic attack, Evan. Jesus. I think I know what a panic attack feels like. I forgot my pills.”

His tone was calm. “Sara, just pull over.” I heard voices in the background

“I can’t — what if he’s following me?” When Evan didn’t answer right away, I said, “Did Billy say where he’s calling from?”

“He…” Evan cleared his throat. “He said John’s in Nanaimo.”

I was silent with dread, waiting for Evan to finish.

“They said it looks like he was driving around the north end when he called, but his phone’s shut off now.”

“So the whole time he could’ve been watching me.”

“Maybe you should drive to the station. We can meet you there and—”

“I’m going to check on Ally.”

“The police already—”

“I’m going to check on Ally, then I’m going home.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Okay, I’ll tell them.”

I got to Ally’s school just as she was heading back in from recess. She was thrilled to see me, wanting me to say hello to all her friends. I told her I’d come by to give her a hug, and I did — a long one. Over her shoulder I spotted Sandy’s Tahoe parked at the end of the block. When Ally went back to her classroom I talked with the officers sitting outside in the car, who assured me John wouldn’t get by them. Fifteen minutes later I turned onto our street and Sandy passed me in the Tahoe. When I pulled into our driveway she was parked in front of the house. Evan met me at the door and grabbed me for a hug.

“There’s been a patrol car on the road watching the house the whole time. Sandy’s checked everything inside — it’s all clear.”

“Thank God. I have to get my pills.”

I kicked off my shoes and raced up to the bathroom. When I came out Evan was already closing the blinds in the bedroom and had a cool cloth in a bowl of ice on the night table. I turned off the lights and lay on the bed, my hand pressed against my still-racing heart.