Never Knowing

gotten the hang of it by now, but in the moment? It all goes out the window. At least now I know where I got it from.

After John’s initial excitement about meeting I thought he’d want to set something up right away, but when he called after I got home from our last session he just wanted to talk about Ally. I kept trying to change the subject, but when I mentioned the meeting he said he was still considering how best to go about it, then he brought up Ally again. I hated talking about my daughter with him, hated wondering what he was doing with the information.

Sandy and Billy, who I saw every day once I agreed to meet John, didn’t understand why he was stalling either but agreed it would look odd if I started pushing and said I should let him bring it up. Now that I’d made the decision to meet, I couldn’t wait to get it over with. Especially because it didn’t look like we were going to get him any other way.

He’d called from near Cranbrook, which was a surprise. They’d expected he’d keep heading south, not eight hours east. His next call came from a pay phone even farther east, almost to the Alberta border. I spent hours staring at the map, trying to figure out what he was thinking, why he was heading in the opposite direction.

Every call he wanted to know more and more about Ally, and I was walking a tightrope between truth and lies. I didn’t know how Internet-savvy he was, so on things I thought he could verify, like birth dates or school info, I was careful to tell the truth, but when he asked about her likes and dislikes, I lied my butt off. Ally now hated cheese and red meat, was easygoing, shy with strangers, and terrible at sports. I had to make notes so I wouldn’t forget the details about this new daughter I was creating.

Evan was happy John hadn’t picked a date and was hoping he’d changed his mind — but he didn’t like that John was asking so many questions about Ally either. He again suggested she come up to the lodge with him, but I told him it wouldn’t be good for her — she’d get too far behind in school. Of course, he told me she’d be fine and that I worry too much. But I know my daughter. It doesn’t take much to throw her off. Her teacher’s been all over me since she pushed the other little girl. I don’t know if she’s heard the rumors, but I noticed an extra note of concern in her voice when she spoke about Ally. I didn’t want to give her more fuel.

Finally, Friday night, John called — this time from his cell.

“So how’s Monday?”

“To meet?” My heart started to race. “Okay.”

“I’ve been looking over a map.”

I heard Sandy in my head. You have to pick the spot. Location is paramount.

“I know the perfect place. It’s one of my favorite parks and I take Ally there all the time.”

“Where’s that?”

“Pipers Lagoon.” I held my breath. Please, please, say yes.

The police initially chose Bowen Park, but there was an outdoor arts festival. Pipers Lagoon Park was remote enough that there wouldn’t be any crowds, just people out for walks, especially on a weekday. A narrow gravel dike led from the parking lot out to the twenty-acre park with its rock bluffs, arbutus trees, and Garry oaks. The dike was bordered by ocean on each side and lined with park benches, so I’d be able to sit in the open and the police could keep an eye on me from several vantage points. But the best part was that there was only one road in, so they could block John’s escape.

On the phone he said, “Sure, let’s meet there at twelve-thirty.”

I tried to match his enthusiastic tone. “Perfect!” But my stomach climbed into my throat. In three days I was going to be bait for a killer.

Billy called right away to let me know John was still near the Alberta border and that we’d go over everything in the morning. Once I told Evan it was set up he said he was coming home Sunday night. I don’t think Billy really wanted him to ride with them, but I told them I wouldn’t do it if they didn’t allow it. Sandy said as long as Evan understood he wasn’t to interfere, he could sit in the command vehicle.

John called the next morning, Saturday. He was in high spirits, saying how much he was looking forward to meeting me, then asked what I was doing that day. I said I was taking Ally for a walk later.

He said, “It’s nice you spend so much time with her.”

“Life gets in the way sometimes, but I try.”

He was quiet for a moment, so I took advantage of his good mood.

“Did your parents spend time with you?”

“My father worked a lot, but my mom did, until she left.”

“Where’d she go?”

“Don’t know. She left when I was nine. She missed her people, so I think she went back to the reserve.” That was interesting. I wondered if his mother leaving was what started everything.

“That had to be really hard — you must have missed her a lot. Did you ever try to find her?”

“A few times, but no luck.”

“That’s so sad, John.”

“It was tough. But she waited until she knew I was old enough to take care of myself, then one night she was gone.”

“Why didn’t she take you with her?”

“I think she knew if she did, he’d hunt her down.”

“God, I can’t imagine leaving Ally.”

“My dad was a hard man.”

“Did she leave you a note or anything?”

“She left a spirit doll to protect me.” The dolls!

“Like the dolls you gave me?”

“Similar. They’re for protection.” He made dolls from women he killed so he’d have protection? Too bad the women didn’t have protection against him.

“What are they protecting you from?”

“The demons.”

Was he into witchcraft? Was that what this was all about?

“Are these First Nations demons?”

His voice wasn’t angry, more bored, when he said, “I’ll tell you another day.”

“Can I ask about your dad? You mentioned before that he was strict.”

“He was a violent drunk. He knocked out my front teeth for telling a joke.”

“No sense of humor, huh?”

John laughed. “You could say that. But he taught me everything I know about guns. When you’re in the woods, though, you can’t just rely on firepower — that’s one thing he never understood. But my mother did. If it wasn’t for her teachings he’d have killed me the first summer.” “What do you mean?”

“When I turned nine he started taking me up into the woods and leaving me there.”

“Like for an afternoon?”

“Until I found my way home.” He laughed again.

“That’s horrible.” My shock was genuine. “You must have been terrified.”

“Being out there was better than being at home with him.” He laughed for the third time and I knew he must be uncomfortable. “I used to stay out for weeks on end. He’d beat me because it took me so long to find my way back, but I could’ve come home sooner. Sometimes I’d be living right on the outskirts of the ranch and he didn’t know. I’d line up his head in my gun’s sights, and pow.” “What stopped you?”

“How’s Ally today?”

Not surprised by the abrupt subject change, I said, “She’s great.”

“Little girls all seem to like Barbie dolls, so I was going to—”

“Ally doesn’t like Barbies.” Last thing I wanted was for him to send another doll. “She’s more into bugs and science stuff.” Ally would own every Barbie in the world if she could, and if I ever gave her a science kit she’d probably burn down the house.

He said, “Better get going. I have some packing to do.” He paused, then said, “I’m really looking forward to this.”