Never Knowing

warmth, I stared out the windshield, blinking back tears.

Evan said, “Do you think you should talk to your family?”

I shook my head. “Sandy would have a bird, but I don’t want to drag anyone else into this anyway.”

“They might start wondering why you’re so distracted.”

“They’re pretty used to me being obsessed about something. I’ll just say I’m busy with the wedding or behind with work, which I am.” Another wave of anxiety swamped me when I thought of all the e-mails I’d been ignoring.

“Maybe you should think about taking some time off.”

“I’ve spent years building my business — I can’t just drop everything.”

“You can build it back up.”

“I’m just a little behind — I can handle it.” I was a lot more than a little behind.

“Then maybe you and Ally should come up to the lodge with me for a while.”

“Ally’s already struggling in class. I can’t pull her out now. And the lodge is so remote. If anything happened up there…” I used to love going to Evan’s lodge and hanging out in Tofino: the West Coast hippie lifestyle mixing with five-star resorts, organic coffee shops with hemp-seed muffins, the rustic art galleries and kayak shops. But now all I could think about was the small police station, the hours of driving on a winding road through the mountains with no cell coverage.

“Then I’ll take some time off.”

I gave him a look. “And how are you going to do that? You just told me yesterday the lodge was booked for the rest of the summer.”

He groaned. “I hate not being here for you. I should be taking care of you and Ally.”

Even though Ally was in the back listening to Evan’s iPod, I lowered my voice.

“We’ll be fine. The police are watching the house and we have an alarm. Besides, you’ll be home for the next couple of days. But I can’t see him coming to the island — he always ignores me when he’s pissed off.” “I want you to be extra careful.”

“No kidding.”

We lapsed into silence.

After a while I said, “Maybe he already let her go. You know, before he called.”

“Maybe.” Evan gave my hand a squeeze. But he didn’t look me in the eye.

That’s why I didn’t want to wait until Wednesday to see you. I couldn’t wait. All I’ve been doing is waiting. The whole weekend Evan and I watched the news religiously. We jumped out of our skin every time the phone rang, but my cell never went off except when Billy eventually called and told me the same stuff as Sandy, minus the part where she made me feel like I’d just signed Danielle’s death warrant. When I said everything felt totally out of control, he told me again to get a copy of that book he’s always quoting from. He said, “It’s the only thing that helps me when I’m worried about the investigation. I review the files and focus on strategies. ‘The skillful warrior does not rely on the enemy’s not coming, but on his own preparedness.’ I think of every possible scenario or direction the case might take, then I prepare for each event.” I said, “Wow. When do you sleep?”

He laughed. “I don’t.” I was surprised because I figured him for the type to hit the sheets and be out in ninety seconds like Evan. It was nice to know I’m not the only one who gets obsessed and can’t sleep.

When I told him Evan was home for the weekend, he sounded relieved and told me to hang in there. I asked him when he was going to be back on the island and he said Monday, which is today, so I’m sure I’ll hear from him soon. Sandy’s staying behind. I guess until they find Danielle …

Evan stayed home as long as he could, even Sunday night, which is when he normally leaves. Poor guy had to get up at four this morning to head back to the lodge. We held each other at the door for a long time. After he left, I climbed into bed with Ally and snuggled next to her until it was time to get up for school.

I saw Danielle’s parents on TV a couple of times. Evan told me to stop watching, but I couldn’t. Her mom doesn’t look very old. Maybe she had Danielle when she was young like me with Ally. I wondered if she warned her to be careful before she left on her camping trip or if she told her to have fun.

SESSION TWELVE

Thanks for fitting me in. You’ll hear about this tonight on the news, but I wanted to tell you myself. If I can, that is. All the way here I practiced saying the words out loud, but … it’s just so hard. I haven’t even told Evan yet — he’s out on the boat. But I have to tell someone. I have to get this feeling out of me. I feel like Lady Macbeth trying to wash the blood off her hands.

This morning Billy arrived at my door with his BlackBerry gripped tight in his hand — and a look in his eyes that made my stomach drop.

“She’s dead, isn’t she?”

“Let’s talk.”

We went into the living room. Even though it was sunny my body started to shiver. As soon as Billy sat in the armchair beside the couch Moose leaped into his arms. This time Billy just gave him a quick pat and put him back on the floor. He met my eyes, his face serious.

“They found her body this morning.”

I tried to process what he’d just told me, but my brain felt sluggish.

“Where?”

“Wells Gray Park. It’s the closest to Clearwater, so we’d searched there first, but it’s over five hundred thousand hectares. We might not have found her if some hikers hadn’t wandered off a trail. Looks like Danielle was killed within a few hours of his call.” Hearing Danielle’s name made her death brutally real. I thought about John depersonalizing his victims — if only I could do the same.

“Was she…”

“She wasn’t raped, but she was strangled.” Billy’s voice was steady, but he kept flipping his BlackBerry around and around in his hand.

I frowned. “That’s not his usual way—”

“We don’t know why he deviated from his pattern — the situation with you may have made it difficult for him to complete his ritual — but we’re sure it’s him. We’re still investigating the scene. Looks like he let her out at the side of the road, then chased her into the woods.” A sick feeling washed over me. “Oh, God. I told him to leave her at the side of a road.”

“He may have been trying to do just that. But then she started to run and it excited him, or something else triggered him.”

“He didn’t rape her, though.”

“And that may have had something to do with you humanizing her — or because of the similarity between the two of you.”

“You mean because we have the same hair?”

“She was probably chosen because of her resemblance to you, so this attack wasn’t sexually motivated. It was an attempt to connect with you.”

“And now she’s dead.”

Tears were leaking out of my eyes. Billy reached over and gripped my shoulder.

“Hey. Stop. This isn’t your fault.”

“But it is, really. And I’m sure Sandy thinks it is.”

He let go of my shoulder. “Sandy knows you’re not to blame.”

“Where is she?”

“Talking to the family.”

Anxiety hummed in my chest. “Will they know what really happened?”

“They’ll know the Campsite Killer’s the main suspect and we’re doing everything we can to catch him.”