Never Knowing

“What do you want?”

“Sara! I’m on the island, what time can we meet?”

“You actually think I’m going to meet you after you shot Evan?”

Silence.

“You screwed up big time, John. Don’t ever call me again. This is over.” I hung up the phone, my whole body shaking.

Billy clasped my shoulder. “You okay?”

I nodded as adrenaline pumped through my body. I realized my teeth were chattering.

“Yeah. God, no, I’m not. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to him for longer — I lost my temper. But I think — I think I’m having an anxiety attack. My chest … it’s all tight, and…” I sucked at the air.

“Just take some slow deep breaths, Sara. You need—” His phone rang. “Reynolds here.… Okay, I’ll let her know.”

“What’s going on?”

“John’s cell pinged off a Nanaimo tower, so he’s in town.”

He gunned the Tahoe. Now my body was shaking even harder.

“God, he must be totally freaking out that I hung up on him.”

“He’s not going to be happy about it.” Billy’s hands gripped the steering wheel so hard the muscles in his forearms were corded.

“You think he still wants to meet me? But I told him it was over, and—”

“This is a man who doesn’t like to be told no.”

My chest tightened again and my face felt hot.

“Do you think I should meet with him? If I don’t, will he go after Evan again?”

“Emotions are high on both sides right now, so it might not be the best time to meet. But if he’s acting impulsively, he’s more likely to make mistakes, and—”

“I think I’m having another anxiety attack.” I pressed my hand against my rocketing heart.

Billy looked worried. “Maybe we should go back to the hospital and—”

“No.” I sucked in a lungful of air. “No, I have to talk to my psychiatrist.”

“Right now?”

I nodded rapidly. “I have to or I’m going to lose it, Billy. I need to calm down, but I can’t unless I talk to her and—”

“Call her.”

I didn’t expect that you’d want me to come in right away. I thought we could just do this over the phone, but I guess I did sound one panic attack away from all-out hysteria. I want to be with Evan, but every other part of my body’s screaming at me to get home as fast as I can to be with Ally. Of course, you’re right, I need to calm down first. Part of protecting her is making sure she doesn’t see her mother go off the deep end.

Poor Billy — he’s waiting out in the Tahoe. I told him he could go grab a coffee, but he said he was staying to make sure I was all right. Only way I could come here was if I called home first and talked to Sandy, then Ally, who’s having a great time. When she put Sandy back on the phone she said she’d guard Ally with her life. I believed her. I may not like Sandy, but I’m pretty sure if she saw John she’d shoot him on the spot.

As for me, I’m spinning in every direction, bouncing all over the place. I just wish I knew what kind of shape John’s in right now, if he’s in a full-on manic state too. But he has to be — why else would he shoot Evan? He must be escalating — and I went and hung up on him. I know what I’m like when I’m losing it, how out-of-control I feel — like right now—but I don’t have a gun. Lord knows what I’d do if I did. Actually, that’s not true. I know exactly what I’d do.

SESSION TWENTY

I’m so sorry about what happened. God, I can’t believe you still wanted to see me after what you went through. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me I shouldn’t blame myself, I can’t help thinking I should’ve sensed something. I was just so upset I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m still not thinking straight. But I don’t feel like I should be bothering you with any of this, so if it’s too much, you have to tell me, and I’ll stop. You might have to tell me a couple of times, because we both know I don’t stop easily. Something else I got from my father.

After our last session Billy took me back home, where Sandy was waiting. Ally was upset about Evan — Sandy had told her he’d hurt his shoulder on the boat, as we agreed — but I convinced her he’s going to be fine. Then she told me about all the fun things she and Sandy had done. I was surprised Sandy is such a kid person, didn’t see that one at all, but they’d made a fort and played dress-up — even staged a singing contest. I usually look frazzled after a day with Ally, but Sandy’s cheeks were flushed and her eyes glowed. Then again, maybe it was from excitement that John had called again.

Billy heated up some frozen pizzas while I fielded calls from concerned friends and workers at the lodge. I checked in with Mom and Lauren, who both offered to come over, but I said I was okay. I didn’t tell them John had called or that he was still in town. I also phoned the hospital several times, but there was no change in Evan’s condition. When he woke up again they gave him more medication, so he was asleep when I called. There were a couple of calls from unfamiliar numbers I didn’t answer, just checked my voice mail with a racing heart. Was it John? Was he coming for me? But there was never a message. The police traced the calls to pay phones in Nanaimo.

After we ate — well, they ate and I stared at my food — Billy and Sandy cleaned up while I gave Ally her bath. Then I let her watch TV in my bed so the adults could talk downstairs.

Sandy said, “That’s a great kid you have there.”

“Thanks, I think she’s really special.”

“She is.” Sandy took a sip of her iced tea. “Have you given any more thought to meeting with John?”

Didn’t expect her to cut to the chase that fast.

“I still don’t know what I’m going to do. Evan, my dad, my psychiatrist—no one thinks it’s a good idea.”

Sandy set her glass down hard and sat straight in her chair. “Even though he shot your fiance, you don’t want to try to stop him?”

“Of course I want to stop him, but my psychiatrist thinks he’s escalating and might kill me if—”

“That’s why it’s important we arrest him soon.”

I glanced at Billy, waiting for him to jump in, but he was silent.

“Sandy, you can’t guarantee something won’t go wrong and he’ll get away.”

“No, and we can’t guarantee your safety now — or Ally’s.”

“Are you seriously trying to use my daughter to scare me? I think about that every day, I don’t need you to —”

“I’m not trying to scare you, but when he feels rejected he—”

“I know. I’ve been thinking about that since he called again, since he shot Evan, but if I do this I stand to lose my fiance, my family, and possibly my life.”

Billy said, “I think Sara just needs a break tonight, Sandy.”

“I’m fine. But if one more person tells me what I should do, I am going to lose it.”

Sandy lowered her voice. “Sara, I can understand what you must be going through, but I also know you don’t want to leave a serial killer out there when you have Ally to think about.”

“I’m sick of you trying to make me feel guilty. You’re just pissed off because you can’t catch him.”

Her mouth opened like she was about to say something, but then a voice from the doorway said, “Mommy, it’s time for my story.”

“Okay, sweetie, I’m coming.” As I took Ally’s hand and led her off, I felt Sandy’s gaze burning into my back.