Never Knowing

I hurled myself into the chair beside his bed and leaned on the mattress.

“I’m so sorry, Evan. For all of this.”

“You goof, you didn’t shoot me. Wait, did you?” He smiled.

“No.”

“Then shut up and give your fiance a kiss.” After we shared a lingering kiss, and then another, I told him everything that had been happening. I wanted to tell him John had called again, but the nurses kept interrupting. Then the doctor came in. He’d just finished telling us Evan was going to be transported down to Nanaimo that afternoon when one of the officers stepped into the room.

“Excuse me, Sara. Constable Reynolds would like you to call him.”

I looked at Evan and he said, “Go.” I walked outside and called Billy’s cell.

“What’s up?”

“Something’s happened, Sara.”

My stomach dropped. “Ally—”

“Ally’s fine. It’s your psychiatrist — someone attacked her as she was leaving her office last night.”

I felt a flash of relief that Ally was safe, then the rest of his words connected.

“Oh, my God! Is she okay?”

“She was knocked down and hit her head on the curb. She’ll be fine, but she’s in the Nanaimo hospital for monitoring.”

I collapsed into a chair in the hall. Knocked down … I saw her head smashing into the curb, her silver hair turning crimson. What if she slipped into a coma? What if she died? I forced myself to take a breath. Don’t panic. Nadine was going to be okay. Then a new thought.

“Was it John?”

“We’re considering that possibility, also patients she may have had a problem with recently. She lost consciousness briefly and was attacked from behind, so she didn’t get a look at the assailant. He took off when some people exited the office next door. I know she’s important to you, so Sandy’s going to switch off with me here and I’ll go talk to the investigating officers. That okay with you?” “Of course. I can’t believe this.” My eyes filled with tears.

“I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, Sandy will take good care of Ally until you get home.”

“Thanks, Billy.”

As soon as I hung up the phone I ran back to tell Evan what had happened.

“I’m really sorry to hear that. Are you okay, baby?”

“No! God, he shoots you and now he attacks Nadine?” I paced around his room.

“They don’t know for sure it was him, though?”

“It has to be. I just went there last night — he probably followed me and I took him straight to her.” I shook my head. “This isn’t his pattern at all. He must be totally losing it.”

“Have you heard from him?”

“Not since yesterday. He called when Billy was driving me home. He wanted to meet again. I hung up on him, but—”

“You can’t meet him.”

“But John’s gone after Nadine now — who’s next? This is bullshit. I’m sick and tired of his games. He needs to know he can’t just—”

“Sara, you can’t—” As he reached for my hand his upper body shifted and he dropped his arm back onto the bed with a groan. He took a couple of breaths.

“Should I call the nurse or—”

“I’ll check myself out right now if you’re going to meet—”

“Okay, okay. I won’t go near him.”

“Promise.”

I put a hand over my heart. “I promise.”

He looked exhausted. “You going to see Nadine?”

“I’m staying with you until they’re ready to take you to Nanaimo.”

“I’m fine. But you have to go see her or you won’t be able to focus on anything else.”

“She’s probably not allowed visitors.”

He shrugged, then winced. “Just say you’re her daughter.”

“That could work. I think she does have a daughter around my age, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t live here. Nadine never talks about her, though — I just saw a picture in her office once. Nadine’s a widow, you know. God, I wonder if she’s all by herself.…” “They’re taking me to Nanaimo soon anyway. You can meet me there after you see her.”

“I want to stick around until they load you up and make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I need — you all stressed out about Nadine. Just go and I’ll meet you at the hospital in a few hours. Besides, I want to take a quick nap and there’s no way you’ll be able to just sit here.”

“I could too.”

He gave me a look.

I sighed. “Okay. I’ll bring Ally with me later if the police think it’s safe.”

“I miss my Ally Cat. Now let’s play doctor before you go. I’ll let you check my temperature.…” He wiggled his eyebrows and laughed as I pretended to unplug his IV.

After Evan and I kissed good-bye — a couple of times — I headed out. When I passed the nurses’ station one of them held up a phone.

“There’s a call for you.” I stopped and stared at her. Who would call me at the hospital?

I never made it to see you that day, Nadine.

SESSION TWENTY-ONE

Since John attacked you, I’ve been going through hell. You should be the one who’s terrified, and I’m sure you are. But I feel like I’m losing my mind — what’s left of it. I wake up with a blanket of anxiety wrapped around me and I go to bed with it. Every muscle of my body aches. I massage my calves to release the tension. But it doesn’t work. So I take muscle relaxants and have a hot bath. Then I stumble back to bed half buzzed and groggy. I roll into a ball, cocoon myself in safe words, telling myself it’s over. But I still wake up clawing at my legs.

When the nurse handed me the phone I thought it might be Dad or Lauren unable to reach my cell, but when I said, “Hello,” John answered rapid-fire.

“We have to meet today.”

I stretched the cord as far as I could and moved away from the desk. “How did you know I was here?”

“We have to meet.”

I looked over my shoulder, wondering if the nurses could hear, but one was gone and the other was writing something on a chart at the end of the hall.

“I can’t just drop everything for you. I have to think about—”

“There’s no time.”

“You had time to attack my psychiatrist.” Rage made my voice shake. “Do you think hurting people I care about is going to make me like you?”

Dead silence from the other end of the phone.

I glanced down the hall. The officer sitting outside Evan’s room flipped through his magazine, oblivious to the fact that I was talking to the man he was supposed to be protecting me from.

John was still silent, so I said, “You have to stop this.”

“You have to help me. You’re the only one who can, Sara.” He sounded desperate. Not as desperate as I felt.