one. I’m still not sure how I feel about it myself. I think what scares me the most is not that I did it, but that I didn’t even hesitate.
SESSION TWENTY-THREE
I’m so frustrated right now. What pisses me off the most is that after our last session I was actually starting to feel good again. I was just so glad everything was over that life took on this euphoric cast. The media frenzy died down. Evan and I never fought, my child could do no wrong, I loved my family and every one of them loved me back. Food even tasted better. But the more normal things turn, the more things, well, turn back to normal.
This morning Melanie came over to pick up the song list Evan and I made for the wedding. I’d spent the weekend ripping apart the house trying to find the CD she gave me, to no avail, so we decided it was just easier to let Kyle do it than have a family war. Right now I’m all about easier. But then last night Evan found the CD — I’d managed to put it back in the wrong case after still not playing it. We listened to it and turns out they aren’t half bad, but the real standout was this woman singing in the background. Her voice was amazing, sort of Sara McLachlan meets Stevie Nicks.
When Melanie arrived I was in the backyard trying to water my pathetic attempt at a garden. We went inside and I gave her the list.
“On the CD there’s a woman in the background,” I said while her eyes scanned the page. “Do you know how to contact her?”
Her head jerked up. “Why?”
“I was hoping she’d sing at the wedding too.”
Melanie’s face flushed and she stared down at the CD.
I said, “Was that
She looked up and her eyes flashed. “You don’t have to sound so surprised.”
“Well, I am. You’ve never sung before — that I know of.”
She shrugged. “I sing at the pub sometimes.”
“You should totally pursue singing, Melanie. You could really be something.”
“Instead of
“That’s not what I meant.” I remember the vow I made since my near-death: to be more patient and forgiving. “But I’m sorry if it came across like that. I just think you sound incredible. I’d love it if you sang at the wedding. Please?” She looked at me, then shrugged.
“If you want. But not all the songs, because I still want to dance.”
“Thanks, that would be great.” We were quiet for a minute and I said, “So you want to stay for a coffee?”
She looked startled. “Sure.”
We took our mugs into the living room and sat on opposite couches, glancing at each other, taking a sip, then looking away. The silence built. Something had been bothering me recently that I wanted to ask her about, but I didn’t want to start a fight. Evan told me to let it go. I agreed with him at the time, but she was here now and we seemed to be getting along. I lasted another two seconds.
“Did you see the photos in the paper of my birth father?” She nodded. “You ever see him in the bar?”
She shook her head. “Why?”
“He just knew some stuff about Ally, and I was wondering—”
“
“No! I just thought you might not have known who he was and—”
“You think I’m stupid enough to tell a stranger about my niece?”
“It has nothing to do with being
“Believe it or not, Sara, when I’m working, I’m working — not chatting with freaks at the bar. But thanks for blaming me once again.”
“I’m not blaming you, Melanie. I’m just trying to tie up a loose end.”
She laughed as she picked up her coffee and walked to the kitchen.
I stood up and followed her. “Where are you going?”
“Somewhere people don’t accuse me of getting their kid abducted.” She set the mug on the counter with a thud.
“Melanie, you’re totally blowing this out of proportion. I didn’t—”
“You’re one to talk — you’re the freak-out
I was still fuming when Billy called a half hour later. I thought once John was dead that would be that, but they’re still working backward to learn more about him — Billy said it helps them with other serial killers. They’ve found out quite a bit, but not what I’d expected, which was a basement full of corpses and stacks of porn tapes. His house was tidy, in a bachelor kind of way, and the only tapes he had were videos on hunting. But it doesn’t look like he spent much time there. He didn’t have anything personal around, no photos or keepsakes, and he slept in a sleeping bag on top of his mattress.
They tried to match some missing-women cases up to where John may have been during certain years — he lived a nomadic life — but nothing connected. People who’d hired him said he was pleasant enough and always had a joke at the ready. But he got in fights with a few customers over the years who he felt had “tricked” him out of his payments. We were right about one thing: he was known in most of the towns he’d called me from. He was also an avid gun collector and a member of a few gun clubs.
I said, “Did you find the one he used to shoot Evan?”
“The ballistic report said the shell casing recovered at the scene was from a Remington.223. It matched up with some found at other crime scenes, so we know he was shot from the same gun, but it wasn’t with John’s belongings. We’re checking with a few gun dealers, but I doubt we’ll ever find it. By the way, did you ever finish that cherry table you were working on? I saw one just like it at an antique store the other day that needs refinishing. Think you could look at it sometime and tell me what you think?” “Sure, how much did they want?”
The rest of the call we talked about antiques, then Evan beeped in to ask me something, so I had to go. But later, when I was trying to clean up the shop, I remembered John telling me the Remington.223 was his favorite — and that it was being repaired. How did he shoot Evan with a gun he didn’t have?
The front door banged. Evan was home. While he packed his hockey bag with clothes to take to the lodge, I sat on the bed and told him about my morning, starting with the fight with Melanie.
“I can’t believe she acted like that when I asked her about John.”
“I told you to let it go.” He rummaged through his drawers, tossing socks into his bag with his good hand — his left arm was still in a sling.
“I just asked her a simple question.”
He glanced over his shoulder with his eyebrows raised.
“Sara, your questions are never simple.”
“I wish you weren’t going back to the lodge.”
“Me too. I have to get a ride up with Jason and he drives like an old man.” He laughed, but I glowered. “Baby, come on, I haven’t been up there in weeks and everything’s a mess. You said you wanted to get back to work too.”
“I tried after Melanie left, but then Billy called and I started obsessing again.”
“About what?
“Billy said the shell casing they found at your lodge was from John’s Remington.223, but they can’t find the
