Never Knowing

the hospital. How did he know Ally was here and only one officer was watching her? Plus he knew I’d been talking to the police — he said he was going to explain later but he never got the chance. Maybe he’d been doing countersurveillance like you said and he saw something.” Moose came downstairs from Ally’s room and I let him out the sliding door. “Don’t you think some of that stuff is weird?” I sat down at the table in front of Billy. He heaved a sigh.

“In cases where the suspect dies it’s hard to fit every piece together, Sara. But that doesn’t mean there’s more to it — it just means we don’t have all the answers. I’ll check into the gun, but I wonder if you’re having a hard time letting go for another reason.” “What do you mean?”

His voice was cautious. “You might still be trying to deal with John’s death. Or maybe you’re having a hard time facing some other things in your life. Your wedding is coming up, and—”

“It’s not that. It’s just all these little mysteries really bug me. They make me feel like it’s not completely over yet. I’m going to go online later and look at some gun forums. John spent a lot of time on the computer — bet I can find something.” “It’s pretty unlikely John would list unregistered guns, or use his real name on a forum. Even if we did find a list somewhere, we’ll never know if it’s accurate. There’s no way to verify how many guns he owned.”

“Good point.” I took a deep breath and let it out in a long exhale as I turned everything over in my mind. “Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. If we can’t prove he didn’t shoot Evan, let’s see if there’s any evidence other than the shell casing that proves he did. Tofino’s almost three hours from here. John would’ve had to fill up with gas somewhere along the way. Did you find any receipts in his belongings?” “I don’t believe so, but that—”

“Guess he could’ve just paid with cash. Oh! We should hit all the gas stations on the way with a photo of him. It wouldn’t be hard — there’s only one main route. Don’t most stations have cameras now? People usually fill up in Port Alberni because it’s the last stop. We should start there. After I drop Ally off at school in the morning we can—” Billy held up a hand. “Whoa. I don’t have time to canvass gas stations.”

“Okay. But I’m not going to be able to relax until I figure some of this out. I’ll go to every gas station myself if I have to.” I smiled. “I’m relentless.”

“That you are.” He smiled back. “Let me think about it. Got some coffee?”

“Sure.”

I poured a cup, then turned around.

Billy’s gun was pointed at me.

I laughed. “What are you…” Then I saw the expression in his eyes.

He said, “Put the cup down on the counter.”

I didn’t move a muscle. “What’s going on, Billy?”

“You never leave anything alone.”

“I don’t understand—”

“It was over, Sara. No one would ever have found out.” He shook his head.

I stepped back until the edge of the counter pressed into my spine. What the hell was going on?

“Billy, you’re scaring me.” I scanned his face for any sign that this was a horrible joke, but he looked serious. “What did I—”

“Put the cup down.”

As I turned to set it on the counter my mind scrambled. Is this for real? Do I need a weapon? Should I try to throw the cup at him? Can I grab a knife? I glanced at the end of the counter.

“Don’t even think about it. I’m three times your size and three times as fast.” He stood up and walked toward me.

“Why are you doing this? Did Sandy—”

“Sandy didn’t do anything.” He stopped in front of me

I searched his face. “Then why are you—”

“Because you’re right — I did fill up in Port Alberni. But I’m not going to wait to find out if there was a camera.”

“It was you? You shot Evan?”

“‘The warrior skilled at stirring the enemy provides a visible form and the enemy is sure to come.’” Billy stared at me, his eyes slits. “Evan was in the way and you needed some incentive. I also knew it would flush John out — he’d want to protect you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“You tried to kill Evan so John would think someone was after me?”

“‘I attack that which he is obliged to rescue.’”

Everything started to fall into place.

“He knew something was wrong,” I said. “That’s why he was so panicky when he called me at the hospital and was making all those threats—that’s why he didn’t call my cell. He was rescuing Ally.” I sucked in my breath. “Did you attack Nadine, too?” “I didn’t touch her. And if I tried to kill Evan, he’d be dead. I just needed to injure him for my plan to work. And I was right. You reacted, John reacted, and now he’ll never hurt another woman.” He stepped closer. “But now we have a problem.” My legs turned to liquid. “I won’t say anything, Billy. I swear.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t take that risk.”

The words poured out. “There’s no risk. I’m not going to tell anyone. You made a mistake — but you were just trying to catch John. Even if someone did find out, you wouldn’t be in that much trouble—”

“I didn’t make a mistake.” He looked as calm as ever. “I shot someone, Sara — that’s attempted murder. I’d go to jail for a very long time. But that’s not going to happen.”

The way he said it terrified me. He wasn’t scared or panicked, much less desperate. He sounded confident.

My body started to shake. “What — what are you going to do, Billy? You can’t shoot me. Ally’s upstairs and —”

He held his fingers up to his lips. “I have to think.”

I shut up. He stared at me. His eyes were dark. The kitchen clock ticked.

I started to cry. “Billy, please, you’re my friend. How can—”

“I like you, Sara, but ‘the wise leader always blends consideration of gain and harm.’ There’s no gain in letting you live. But there’s great harm.”

“No, I swear. There isn’t any—”

He held up a hand. “I’ve got it. I’m not going to do anything.” My heart lifted for a moment, but then his eyes met mine and he said, “You are.”

My vision blurred as my blood roared in my ears. For a moment the room spun and I gripped the counter behind me. My head pulsed, but I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t think.

He said, “We’re going upstairs to get those pills your shrink prescribed, then you’re going to take all of them and write a suicide note.”

“Billy, this is crazy! How can you do this? What about Ally?”

“She’ll be fine if you do everything I tell you.”

“You can’t make me write—”

“Do you love your daughter, Sara?” His eyes were resolute. I didn’t know if he’d actually hurt Ally, but I didn’t want to find out.

“I’ll do it, I just—”

He motioned with the gun. “Let’s go.”

“Can we just talk about this for a—”

He gripped my arm hard and pulled me away from the counter. Then, with the gun pressed against my lower back, he urged me upstairs. With each step my mind tried to formulate a plan, but all I could think was, Please, Ally, don’t wake up. At the top of the stairs we turned and walked down the hall past her room, my heart hammering so hard it hurt. As we entered my bedroom tears started to slide down my face.

“Where are your pills, Sara?”

“In the — in the bathroom.” This was really happening, I was going to die.

“Open the medicine cabinet and take out the pills, but nothing else.” I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes