Never Knowing

gun. Then I was thinking about it later and John said that gun was getting repaired. Don’t you think that’s weird?”

“He probably had a couple of them and ditched one right after he shot me.”

“Maybe … but I got the feeling he really loved that gun. Why would anybody have two?”

“Well, no one else would’ve shot me.”

I paused for a moment. “You know, it’s weird that John only injured you. I got the impression he was a good shot — he never missed a victim before.”

“Baby, it was him.” Evan went into the walk-in closet, came out with a few pairs of jeans, shoved them in his bag.

“I know. Just saying the gun thing’s weird.… We still don’t know for sure he attacked Nadine — she wasn’t shot, which was totally John’s style, just hit in the back of the head. And she never saw who did it. I wonder if they ever followed up on any of her patients. Maybe I should talk to Billy and see what he thinks.” “Sara, leave the guy alone.”

“What does that mean?”

“You must be driving the police nuts. The case is over but you’re still pestering them.” He went back into the closet and came out with another pair of jeans. “Where’s my Nike baseball cap — you were wearing it yesterday?”

“I don’t know, but I can’t believe you just said that. I’m not pestering them, I’m helping them. I have to tell Billy about the gun. They could match it up with an old case or something. What if John killed a woman they didn’t know about and her family’s been searching for her for years and—” “Sara, you’re driving me nuts. I just packed six pairs of jeans and no shirts.”

“Fine. I’ll get out of your way, then.” I stood up.

“You don’t have to leave, just talk about something else.” But I was already walking out of the room.

I was staring at a table in my shop, thinking about everything Evan had said and working myself into a complete lather, when he came to find me.

He said, “I’m going.”

I studied the grains in the wood, traced them with my fingers.

“Come on,” he said.

He came over and wrapped his arms around me.

I was stiff in his arms. “I’m pissed at you.”

“I know, but give me a hug anyway.”

“I hate that you don’t take anything I say seriously.”

“That’s not true, Sara. I just wish you didn’t read so much into everything.”

“So you think I’m just overreacting?”

“Let’s see, you accused your sister of chatting up a serial killer and now you think someone else shot me for no reason? Hey, maybe it was Melanie who shot me.”

Tears of frustration stung my eyes. “I’m just saying we don’t know—”

“Baby, Jason’s waiting outside. I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

“Fine, go.”

He left a couple of hours ago, and I was so riled up I spent the entire time until our appointment going over the case in my mind again. I even went back over all my notes, the time line, everything. This gun thing is making me insane.

So maybe I’m just grasping at straws, mostly because Evan didn’t take me seriously, and maybe the gun thing isn’t important, but I called Billy and told him something was bugging me about the case. He was in the middle of a meeting but said he’d stop by later. Why can’t Evan be like that? Billy never makes me feel like I’m some drama addict.

SESSION TWENTY-FOUR

Now you’re going to make me cry. I understand you need some time off before you decide whether to move your practice to Victoria — you’ve been through a lot yourself in the last while. God, I don’t know how you kept seeing clients during everything. And thanks for the referral to your friend. I’ll probably give him a try, at least until you decide what you’re doing. But I can’t believe this might be the last time I sit on your couch, the last time I’m in this office. I hope it’s not. But I guess time will tell. Time tells a lot of things. My whole life I’ve bucked against time — usually because it wasn’t going fast enough for me. But then there are moments when it’s hurtling toward you and you’d give anything to stop the clock.

Billy came over after Ally was in bed. As I let him in I told him to sit at the table while I finished up some dishes, but he grabbed a tea towel.

We worked in companionable silence for a minute or two, then he said, “So where’s Evan tonight?”

“He had to go back to the lodge.” I snorted. “He couldn’t wait to get out of here.”

“Uh-oh. You guys fighting?”

“It’s just the usual stuff.” I sighed. “He wants me to move on and forget about the case, but it’s not that easy for me. The loose ends are driving me nuts.”

“So what’s bugging you?”

“Remember when you said Evan was shot with John’s Remington.223? Well, I remembered later that John told me his gun was in the shop — the firing pin was broken.”

“Huh. Interesting, but he probably had another one.”

“Evan said the same thing, but John always talked about that one being his favorite, like it was the only one for him. I mean, you heard the tapes. He talked about guns like they were girlfriends. Then I started thinking … look, I know this sounds crazy, but how do we know for sure he shot Evan?” His eyebrows shot up. “Who else did you have in mind?”

“Yeah, that’s the hole in my theory.” I made a face and grinned. “The only other person who’d want Evan out of the way is Sandy.”

“Wow, Sara. I know you don’t like her, but that’s harsh.”

“It’s not that I don’t like her — she doesn’t like me. I hate that! Anyway, I know it wasn’t her, I’m just saying it’s weird about the gun. He probably had two, like you said, but can you look into it so I can stop obsessing? If he was part of those collector groups maybe he had to list all his guns for them?” “Sure, I’ll look into it. But just for argument’s sake, if it wasn’t John, who else had a motive to shoot Evan? Don’t forget a shell from John’s gun was found at the scene.”

“I know John’s the only possible suspect, but the gun thing doesn’t fit.” I laughed. “It’s like OJ’s gloves.”

As Billy finished drying the last dish, I took the tea towel from him.

“I’ll put the dishes away. Sit.”

He turned and pulled out a chair at the table.

“Just out of curiosity, why did you think Sandy wanted Evan out of the way?”

I shrugged. “She was obsessed with catching John and she knew Evan was the reason I wouldn’t meet with him — she also thought my therapist was advising me against meeting him. It would’ve been easy for her to plant a shell at the scene and frame John. Three for three.” “That’s it?”

I reached to put away the last plate. “Well, it was after my last fight with Sandy that Nadine was attacked. John always shot people — he didn’t jump them in parking lots. When John called me at the hospital he was really keyed up and kept saying he had to meet me. Not like he was anxious, like he was scared.” I hung up the tea towel. Billy was watching me intently, his head tilted to the side. God, it was nice to talk to a man who actually listened and didn’t just tell me to let it go.

I said, “And I was thinking tonight that it’s weird he went straight to my house that day after he called me at