ONE night in March, when Mark was to take her out for supper, she arrived home from work, expecting to find him.
‘He’s not here,’ her father said. ‘I had to give him the day off.’
‘But where has he gone?’
‘I don’t know. He wouldn’t say. Very mysterious, he was. But he wants you to meet him at that new cafe down the road, and he says you’re to wear your best dress.’
On winged feet she flew down the street, bursting into the cafe and looking around for him eagerly.
He wasn’t there.
Never mind. Soon. Just be patient. She ordered a pot of tea and settled down to wait and plan. Between work and studying her schedule was heavy, but still she could count on an outing with him once a week, to maintain their pretence. And she would use that time to win his heart, so that gradually she would become his real girlfriend and then…perhaps…
Be sensible. You’re not a lovelorn dreamer. You’re Nurse Parsons, top of the class, probably Matron Parsons one day.
But who wanted to be sensible? With a little female cunning, it could all be made to happen just as she wanted. She began to feel like the scheming, adventurous women of history. Messalina, Delilah, Cleopatra; they had nothing on her. Soon Mark would sigh at her feet.
Or at least he might if he were here.
She had to wait an hour for him, but her heart soared when she saw his expression. He was lit up, brilliant with excitement. He rushed over, planted a kiss on her mouth, then settled in the seat opposite, holding her hands in his and almost shaking them in his eagerness.
She could have wept with joy to think that a meeting with her could do this to him.
‘I can’t tell you-’ he said, almost stammering. ‘If you only knew-all the way here I’ve been thinking what to say-’
‘To say what?’ she begged, inwardly singing.
‘I’ve done it at last. It came over me suddenly that this was the perfect time. I lay awake all last night planning it, and this morning I asked your father for the day off.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’ve done it. I’ve joined up.’
‘You’ve-what?’
‘I’ve joined the Air Force. Not the official force but the Auxiliaries.’
She knew what he meant because since the time he’d first mentioned his desire to fly, she’d done some reading on the subject. The Auxiliary Air Force was a corps of civilians who learned flying skills and were ready to be called up if war broke out.
‘I’ll stay here,’ Mark said, ‘but go for training at weekends. When the war begins, I’ll become part of the official force.’
‘When it begins? Not if?’
‘Come on, we all know what’s going to happen. They’re about to start conscripting men of my age, and if I’d left it any longer I could have been drafted into the army. By acting now, I’ve made sure I choose the service I want to join. And it means I can learn to fly. Isn’t that wonderful?’
‘Wonderful,’ she echoed.
And that was it. The dream of winning his love, his joyful look that she’d thought was for her-what had she been thinking of? He barely knew she existed.
‘It’ll be easier on you, too,’ he said. ‘I won’t be around so much so you won’t have to pretend to be my girlfriend nearly as often. We’ll just make an appearance now and then.’
‘That’s very thoughtful of you,’ she said faintly.
Sylvia seemed to be there whispering,
‘You said once that you dreamed of flying,’ she mused.
‘Someone told me you had to have the “right background” before the Auxiliaries would look at you. But they’re taking in more people now because they know what’s coming. And I’m going to be part of it. I’m going to be a pilot, maybe fly a Spitfire or a Hurricane, and it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to me.’
‘Unless you get killed,’ she murmured.
‘I won’t get killed. I’m indestructible.’
‘But you’re getting ready to fight. You could be shot down, or just crash.’
‘Why are you being so gloomy?’ he asked, faintly irritated. ‘I’ve got my heart’s desire and you can only look on the dark side.’
‘Well, if you got hurt or killed I would find that rather gloomy,’ she said, troubled by his inability to understand.
‘That’s very nice of you, but let’s not dwell on something that isn’t going to happen. Come on, let’s get out of here and celebrate.’
‘Is this why I’m in my best dress?’
‘Yes, we’re going to The Star Barn, that dance hall in Cavey Street.’
In a plush dance hall the music came from an orchestra. The poorer ones had a piano or gramophone records. The Star Barn compromised with a three-piece band that made up in volume what it lacked in skill.
She was still a little hurt at the way Mark seemed absorbed in his own point of view and oblivious to hers. It came too close to Sylvia’s warning. But the feeling vanished as he took her into his arms, and she felt the vivid joy that possessed him communicate itself to her flesh from his. Impossible to stay troubled while her body was against his, their faces so close, his eyes alight with an almost demonic energy.
One dance ran into another until the whole evening was an endless stream of movement. It had been a hard day at work and she’d been tired at the start of the evening, but mysteriously she wasn’t tired now. Every moment with him invigorated her.
‘You’re a terrific dancer,’ he said, gasping slightly. ‘Let’s go faster.’
‘Yes, let’s.’
She managed to seize the initiative, driving him on until they were both breathless, and somehow they danced out of the hall into the deserted lobby. To the end of her days she had no memory of how they’d got there.
‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ Mark warned her.
‘Why?’
‘Because now I’m going to do this,’ he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her firmly.
It wasn’t like the other times, a skilful pretence to deceive onlookers. They were alone and it was the real thing. Now the pressure of his mouth was intense and determined, saying that he wasn’t fooling any more and what was she going to do about it?
There was only one possible answer. It was she who moved her lips first, not to escape his but to caress them, revel in the sensation and drive him on further. It was something she’d never done before and she didn’t understand how she knew about it. The knowledge seemed to have been part of her for ever, dormant, waiting for this moment to awake. Now it wasn’t merely awake but triumphant, determined to make the most of every last thrilling moment.
She was a novice, exploring the first steps of physical love, learning fast but needing to learn more. He taught her, moving his mouth against hers with practised skill, teasing, inciting, leading her blissfully to the next lesson, and then the next. She pressed closer, every inch of her clamouring to learn.
Then, with cruel abruptness, it was over and he was pushing her away from him. When she tried to reach for him again he fended her off.
‘Stop it, Dee.
‘I’m sorry…what-? Did I do something wrong?’ She was almost in tears.
‘No, you did everything right-too right. That’s the problem.’
She misunderstood and her hands flew to her mouth. ‘You think I’m a bad girl, that I always do this, but you’re wrong, you’re wrong.’
‘No, I don’t mean that. I know you’re innocent. You must be or you’d have been more careful. Only an innocent would have pushed me to the edge like that.’
