‘I don’t understand,’ she whispered.
He sighed. ‘No, you don’t, do you?’ He took her back into his arms, but pressing her head against his shoulder, careful to avoid her face. ‘Don’t cry. It’s not your fault. But I had to stop when I did, or I wouldn’t have been able to stop at all, and then I’d have done something that would make you hate me.’
She couldn’t answer. Her heart was thundering, her whole body trembling with thwarted desire.
Hate him? What did he mean? She hated him now for leaving her like this, desperate to go on to the end and discover the secret. She pressed closer to him, hoping to remind him of what they had shared, what they might still share.
‘Let’s go home,’ he said grimly.
They went home in silence. He didn’t even hold her hand, but kept several feet away. Dee crossed her arms over her chest as though trying to protect herself and walked with her head down, staring at the pavement, feeling alienated from the whole world, but especially from the man she loved, who was acting as though she didn’t exist.
When they stopped at her front door he seemed uneasy and there was a thoughtful look on his face.
‘You’re full of surprises,’ he said. ‘I guess there’s a lot more to you than meets the eye. Don’t look at me like that. I can’t explain right now, especially as your mother is just behind the curtains, watching us. But you…well, anyway…’
He dropped a modest peck on her cheek, said a hurried, ‘Goodnight,’ and walked away.
Weary and depressed, Dee let herself into the house. As Mark had observed, Helen was waiting for her, in dressing gown and curlers.
‘Well?’ she demanded. ‘Did he behave himself?’
‘Oh, yes,’ Dee said softly. ‘He behaved himself. Goodnight, Mum.’
She ran upstairs as fast as she could.
As Mark had predicted, conscription started the following month, and he’d been wise to get into the Air Force while he still had a choice.
Now she saw him only briefly, as his free time was taken up by the squadron, located just outside London. Joe was immensely proud of him and showed it by giving him Saturdays off so that he could devote the whole weekend to training to be a pilot.
‘I couldn’t be more proud if he was my own son,’ he confided to his wife. ‘And, after all, that may happen.’ He finished with a significant look at Dee, out in the garden.
‘Hmm!’ Helen said. ‘Hasn’t he caused enough trouble in this family?’
‘It wasn’t his fault; I thought we agreed that.’
‘I just don’t like what’s happening to Dee. Something’s not right.’
‘She’s just missing him. It’s happening all over the country now the men are joining up.’
He began inviting Mark in for supper on the days he knew Dee would be home, partly for his daughter’s sake and partly because he was consumed with curiosity. He loved nothing better than to listen while Mark described his life as a budding pilot.
‘They let me take the controls the other day,’ he recalled once. ‘I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like up there, feeling as though all the power in the world was yours, and you could do anything you wanted.’
‘I remember when the war started in nineteen fourteen,’ Joe said. ‘Nobody thought of using planes to fight; they were so frail, just bits of wood and canvas. But then someone mounted a machine gun and that was that. Next thing, we had a Royal Air Force. I’d have loved to fly, but blokes like me just got stuck in the trenches.’
They became more absorbed in their conversation, while Dee’s eyes met her mother’s across the table in a silent message.
‘There’s something I have to tell you,’ Mark said at last. ‘They’ve put my name down for a new course. I’m the first in my group to be assigned to it-’
‘Good for you,’ Joe said. ‘They know you’re the best. But it means you’ll spend more time there and less here, doesn’t it?’
‘I’m afraid so. They reckon the war will be declared pretty soon, so then I’ll be in the Air Force full-time. Perhaps you should start looking for another mechanic.’
Dee heard all this from a distance. It was coming, the thing she dreaded, the moment when he would walk away to the war and she might never see him again. Time was rushing by.
She had grown cautious, sensing a slight change in Mark’s manner. Since the night she’d come alive in his arms, she’d sometimes caught him giving her a curious look. She was shocked at herself, wondering if her forward behaviour had damaged his respect for her.
When they were alone, his kisses were fervent, even passionate, as though he was discovering something new about her all the time. But then he would draw back as though he’d thought better of it, leaving her in a state of confusion. With all her heart she longed to take him past that invisible barrier, and she hadn’t much time left to make it happen.
After supper the three of them listened to the wireless. The official news from Europe was worrying, but what had really caught people’s attention was the fact that when King George VI and Queen Elizabeth went on a visit to Canada, they were escorted by two warships.
‘And there’s a rumour that those ships carried thirty million pounds in gold, for safe-keeping in Canada until it’s all over,’ Mark had said.
Until it was all over. What would life be like then? Another universe in which he might, or might not be alive. She shivered.
She tried to speak normally, but it was hard when everything in her was focused on one thing-to be alone with Mark, in his arms, kissing him and being kissed, feeling her body burn with new life. Her heart was breaking, yet she must try to pretend all was well.
At last he rose. ‘I think I’ll take a breath of fresh air,’ he said casually.
Eagerly, she joined him and they slipped out into the privacy of the garden. The next moment she was in his arms.
‘Why must you go now?’ she begged. ‘It’s too soon.’
‘I have to. But I’m going to miss you so much,’ he said hoarsely.
‘Yes…yes…’
The thought of the lonely time without him lent urgency to her movements. In the past she’d fought down the blazing desire that almost overcame her when she was in his arms, but tonight she didn’t want to be controlled and virtuous. She wanted to let herself go and risk whatever the future held. If that meant being a ‘bad girl’, then so be it, as long as she could say that just once he’d been hers.
He lifted his head and his eyes and his breathing told her that he was in the same state. Another moment and they would become each other’s and who cared for anything else?
‘Mark,’ she whispered, ‘
‘Do you want me?’
Urgently, he drew her down onto the grass and she gave herself up to the feel of his lips on her neck, drifting lower as he opened the buttons of her blouse. High above, the spring moon beamed down on her like a blessing, and she prepared herself for what would surely be the most beautiful experience of her life.
Transported, she didn’t hear the door opening behind them, only her mother’s voice coming out of nowhere in an outraged cry of,
She felt Mark freeze on top of her, heard his muttered curse. Then he drew away, helping her to her feet.
‘Mum,’ she said desperately, ‘it’s not-’
‘Don’t you try to fool me, my girl. I know what it’s not, and I know what it
‘Come on, Helen,’ her husband begged under his voice. ‘After all, didn’t we-?’
‘You hush.’ She turned on him furiously.
‘Yes, dear.’
‘You-’ she turned on Mark ‘-you should be ashamed of yourself, acting like that in a decent home. Just what do you think my daughter is?’
