The Armoury of the Department of the Uncanny turned out to be the complete opposite of what I was used to at Drood Hall. It was small, tidy, compact, with a place for everything and everything in its place. It was more of a storeroom and repository than a research lab. There were all kinds of weapons stacked on shelves, including a few things even I didn t recognise, and I ve been around. Just a couple of basic workstations, complete with state- of-the-art computers and assorted scattered technology presided over by Uncanny s very own Armourer. No lab rats, no assistants; just one man and his tech in charge of providing Uncanny s agents with everything they needed to make a proper nuisance of themselves, as the Regent liked to put it.
This is Patrick, he said. Best weapons master Uncanny s ever had.
Patrick smiled briefly. You re only saying that because it s true. Would this be a good time to mention the raise in budget I was promised?
You can mention it, the Regent said generously.
Patrick was a calm, middle-aged man. Completely bald, but boasting a bushy salt-and-pepper beard. He had sleepy eyes and an easy smile, but there was still a definite presence to the man when he stepped forward to greet Molly and me. The Regent said Patrick had been one of his Special Agents once, and I had no trouble believing that. There was something about Patrick, for all his ease and calm, that suggested he could still be very dangerous if the need should arise. He wore a basic lab coat that reminded me immediately of Uncle Jack, probably because some things are just constants, wherever you go. Though Patrick was wearing a heavy pullover under his coat, complete with high roll-neck collar. No accounting for taste.
Are you on your own down here? said Molly, looking around her with larcenous interest. I made a point of standing right next to her, to make sure no unauthorised weapons went walkabout under her sticky fingers.
Uncanny is still basically an information-gathering organisation, said the Regent. We watch and listen and make many notes. Correlation is our life. Weapons are what we use only when everything s gone wrong in a hurry. We prefer to err on the sneaky side whenever possible. Right, Patrick?
If you say so, your bossness, said Patrick.
But when things do go pear shaped, I am here to ensure that our people are in a position to Do Unto Others in a sudden and violent way, before the others can do unto them. Don t touch that!
Molly snatched her hand back from an innocent-looking crystal thing, and tried to look innocent. The Regent looked reproachfully at Patrick.
You promised me you d got the bugs out of that. We re still cleaning up the mess from last time.
I have! said Patrick. But then, there s bugs and then there s bugs. He smiled easily at Molly and pushed the crystal thing well out of her reach. Not much money in the budget for research these days. But I do like to potter around, see if I can improvise something useful and horribly destructive out of the various interesting things our agents pick up in the field and bring back with them. I swear, if it weren t for their basic light-fingeredness, we d have nothing but empty shelves on these walls.
We don t have anything like the Droods budget, the Regent agreed. We have to scrimp and save and make do.
And steal anything that isn t actually nailed down, said Patrick.
You d fit right in here, Molly, I said solemnly.
One more word and I ll smooth out your balls with Botox while you sleep, said Molly.
Patrick smiled. The Regent looked pained.
I m sorry, I said to Patrick. We really should have introduced ourselves. I m Eddie Drood, and this
Oh, I know who you are, said Patrick. Both of you.
You do? said Molly.
Of course, said Patrick, his dark eyes twinkling cheerfully. Everyone in our line of work knows all about the redoubtable Eddie Drood and the infamous Molly Metcalf. Your exploits are already the stuff of legend.
Molly looked at me. How is it you get to be redoubtable, but I m always infamous?
Sounds right to me, I said.
These two incredibly brave young people are about to go up against Unholy Crow Lee, said the Regent. What can you offer them, Patrick, to make the job a little less suicidal? In an unofficial, off-the-books and totally deniable way, of course.
Crow Lee? Really? said Patrick. His smiled broadly, and just like that he seemed as dangerous as I d suspected he could be. It felt like being trapped in an enclosed space with a huge grizzly bear who d just woken up from hibernation with fresh meat very much on his mind. Patrick turned away abruptly and moved purposefully along his shelves, pickings things up and putting them down again. Well No point in trying a heads-on attack. Not with the size of the private army he s gathered about himself. No You need to go the sneaky route, come at him in unexpected ways. Lateral thinking and all that. Personally, I d recommend giving up on the whole idea and taking a nice vacation somewhere really far away. You can t get more lateral than that. But you wouldn t do that, redoubtable and infamous as you are. Don t touch that!
I took my hand carefully away from a crystal thing sitting on a pile of papers. Sorry, I said. I thought it was a paperweight.
It s designed to look like a paperweight, Patrick said darkly. Here try this. It s a skeleton key made from real human bone. And, no, you don t get to ask whose. This useful little item can open any lock, mechanical, magical or electronic.
The Drood Armourer gave me one of these once, I said, accepting the yellowed bone thing gingerly.
I know! said Patrick. Who do you think I stole the idea from? Now, this is a hearing aid. Just stick this little beauty in your ear, and you ll be able to listen in on any conversation from any distance. Even in other rooms and in other languages! I m still working on the immediate-translation tech, but if it doesn t kick in, you can always read the subtitles.
He turned to Molly and offered her a pair of spangly glitterball earrings. She hefted the ugly items on her palm and looked dubiously at Patrick.
What do I do with these?
You throw them, said Patrick. And they go Boom! And all the people who were bothering you suddenly aren t.
Groovy! said Molly. She whipped off the silver Celtic rose things she d been wearing, stuffed them into a pocket, and clipped on the new earrings. I looked severely at Patrick.
Tell me those things have a safety catch.
Of course! said Patrick. They re perfectly harmless until you say the magic Word. He leaned over and whispered the Word in Molly s ear, and she actually giggled and pushed him away. He looked pleased with himself. I d throw them pretty damn far, though, if I were you. And I wouldn t play with them, either. Just in case.
Molly looked at the expression on my face and patted me fondly on one cheek. Will you relax, Eddie? I m wearing the Twilight Teardrop, remember? Guaranteed personal protection, on levels even Kayleigh s Eye has never heard of! You could set off a thermo nuke right in front of me, and I wouldn t even be bothered by the bright light.
That s the Twilight Teardrop? said the Regent, leaning forward to inspect the ruby stone pendant with new interest. One look into its bloodred depths was enough, and he immediately retreated to a safe distance. Such a small thing, he said, to be so powerful and so thoroughly cursed. I ve always said the best way to make use of that thing would be to make a gift of it to someone you really didn t like. And then leave the country until all the unpleasantness was over.
I looked at the bony key and the earplug in my hand. I could use something a little more dangerous, and preferably long-range.
You ve got your armour, said Molly.
That s dangerous enough for anyone. Though I could lend you my charm bracelet, if you like. If you re really feeling in need of something to throw.
I am not wearing that on my ankle, I said firmly.
I have my dignity to consider.
Molly then said something very coarse about my dignity, and Patrick, the Regent and I pretended not to have heard her.
Patrick distracted Molly with a small flat black-lacquered box with a big green button on the top. This, he said proudly, is a protein exploder. Does what it says on the box. It s alien tech. Or possibly tomorrow tech. One of our
