seemed impossible at the time, but I should have found a way.” She looked down at Alex. “But I have been punished enough for it. At first I was only happy to be back in Kazan, but then I began to think of Jordan. Every time I saw a child, I realized what I had given up.” Her finger tenderly traced the line of Alex’s brow. “I am not a monster. Even if I could, I would not steal moments like this from you.”
Marianna felt tears stinging her eyes. She did not want to feel sorry for this autocratic woman. She did not want to be drawn any deeper into Jordan’s and Ana’s lives.
The ravin continued in a low voice. “But perhaps you would permit me to borrow a few? I never had them with Jordan, and now he will not even give me understanding.”
The humbleness of the request touched her, and she deliberately hardened her heart. “Sleeping children are endearing. It’s when they’re awake that the challenge comes.”
“I could meet the challenge. If you permit me.”
Marianna stared at her, torn with indecision. The woman was asking for what she did not want to give. She needed Alex more now than at any time in her life.
But maybe Alex did not need her, she thought suddenly. It could be that during this period of healing, he needed to help heal another’s wound. Perhaps she was being selfish to him as well as the ravin. It was difficult to know what to do. No, she realized sadly, it was only difficult to admit what she should do. “I won’t have you shouting at him.”
A flicker of relief crossed the ravin’s face as she recognized her victory. “You think he minds? He is tougher than you know. We understand each other.”
Marianna experienced another wistful pang. She wished she understood this new Alex as well as the ravin did.
“You must become reacquainted,” the ravin said, as if reading her mind. She grimaced. “But I don’t suggest you be shot in order to accomplish it. It is very painful.”
Marianna smiled faintly but firmly insisted, “I won’t have you shouting at him.”
The ravin made a face. “Oh, very well. I will try to curb my tongue. Though it is not my nature.”
“I agree.” Marianna rose to her feet. “I will let you sleep now. Do you wish for any help with your wound?”
The ravin shook her head. “You’re not going to wake the boy?”
“No. He appears comfortable enough for the night.” She moved toward the entrance. “Tell him I will see him in the morning.”
“Wait.”
Marianna looked back over her shoulder.
“I thank you,” the ravin said haltingly. “I know you are not happy about this.”
“No. I’m angry and hurt and, yes, jealous.” She smiled without mirth. “And, like you, I want my own way.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Alex. You may be better for him right now than I am.” She paused. “And when you have the responsibility of a child, you must always do what’s best for him, not yourself.”
The ravin flinched. “That was a cruel jab.”
“Yes, I wanted to hurt you.” She shrugged. “I thought it would make me feel better.”
“Did it?”
“No.”
She went outside and stopped to draw a deep breath of cold air. She wanted to go back and snatch Alex up in her arms and run away with him. In many ways this was worse than the night Costain had taken her brother. Affection could be a dangerous enemy, and the ravin had stored up years of love to lavish on a child. And there was the added bond of shared danger between them.
She would not go back. She had made the choice. At least she would not have to worry about Alex while she fulfilled her promise to Mama.
And the sooner she fulfilled it, the better. Now that there was nothing to keep her here, it was time to make plans to leave.
The horses were being sheltered a quarter-mile away from camp, where the grass was abundant enough for grazing. Gregor had assigned only two men to guard them. With so many horses to watch, it should not be difficult for her to avoid detection and slip her own mare away from the others.
She glanced across the camp at the shadowy shape of the wagon containing the panels. It was located near one of the large tents, possibly Gregor’s or Jordan’s. No guards were in sight, but Jordan was too clever to leave the Jedalar unwatched. He knew her very well and would be prepared for her to make an attempt.
It would not be easy, she thought wearily.
But difficult or not, it must be done.
Jordan strode into her tent the next morning. “Where is it?” he demanded.
She whirled to face him, then flinched as she saw his expression. “Where is what?”
“For God’s sake don’t pretend ignorance. I know it has to be somewhere in your tent. You were seen last night.”
“You mean you had me watched?” She moistened her lips. “Then your spy must have told you I went to the ravin’s tent to see Alex.”
“And immediately afterward you went to the wagon and took something from it.”
“Did I?”
“You know you did. Where’s the Jedalar, Marianna?”
She glared at him defiantly. “I don’t know what you mean.”
He grabbed her shoulders. “Tell me.”
“Why should I? So that you can steal it from me as your mother stole Alex?”
“I’m not responsible for what the ravin does or says. No one has stolen Alex from you. What the hell happened in that tent last night? Is that what this is all about?”
Her jaw set, and she did not answer him.
He drew a deep breath and tried to control himself. “Dammit, why didn’t you wait? I was going to talk to you about the Jedalar. Why did you have to do this now?”
“We’ve talked about it before. We don’t agree.”
“Thousands of people could die if Napoleon gets that map.” When her expression didn’t change, he went on. “I’ve seen you talking to Niko. Do you like him?”
“Of course I like him.”
“Did you know his family lives near the Russian border? They would be the first to be slaughtered. You’ve seen what Nebrov’s army did to the towns in Montavia. Do you want to see that happen here?”
“Napoleon won’t find the tunnel. None of you will find the tunnel.”
“Gregor says that Nebrov knows about something called the Zavkov. If you don’t help us, he may find the tunnel.”
“He can’t find it without the panel.”
“And, by God, he’s not going to lay his hands on it.” Jordan’s expression hardened. “Because you’re going to give it to me.”
“I am
He was carrying her out of the tent. “I didn’t want to do this.” Still retaining an iron hold on her arms, he set her down before Gregor. “Search the tent.”
Gregor shook his head sadly and disappeared inside.
“No!” She started to struggle, her gaze fixed desperately on the entrance of the tent. “Let me go.”
“Stop fighting me. Do you think I like doing this? Goddammit, you forced me.”
“I didn’t force you. I only took what was mine.” She butted her head against his chest. “I won’t let you do it.”
He pinned her arms to her sides and held her immobile. “Marianna, don’t…” His voice was thick with pain as he looked down at her. “Don’t you see? I’ve got to take it.”
She suddenly stopped fighting. “Please…” She looked up at him with glistening eyes. She had to make him understand. “My promise. I have to keep my promise.”
“I found it,” Gregor said from behind her. “She cut a slit in her sheepskin pallet and slipped the panel inside.”
