Kill All the Lawyers

bother the driver, who was sitting on one of those beaded back supports.

'You sounded like a horse's ass on the radio today.' Herbert Solomon sat at the kitchen table, sipping kosher red wine and eviscerating his son. 'A real putz.'

'Thanks for the support, Dad.' Steve was not up for his father's abuse. It had been a shitty day, and it wasn't over yet. In an hour, he would have to put on a smiley face and brush-kiss Irene Lord. The Queen. Victoria's mother. A woman so cold and imperious she made Martha Stewart seem warm and cuddly.

'Ah bailed you out, didn't ah?'

'I was released on my own recognizance. All you did was call the judge.'

'That's a helluva lot.'

'You could have driven downtown and picked me up from the jail.'

'Not after sundown, boychik.'

'Why, you got night blindness?'

'Shabbos, you shmoe!'

'What is it, open-bar night at temple?'

'Wouldn't hurt you to come along. Say a Sh'ma or two.'

So that explained his father's outfit. A double-breasted blue blazer, rep tie with khaki walking shorts and sneakers. Ever since the old man went ortho, he began adhering to the rule of not driving between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday. Now, looking like a demented Englishman in the midday sun, he was ready for the three- mile trek to Temple Judea.

'It's Irene's birthday,' Steve said. 'Otherwise, I'd be right there with you in the front row.'

'Hah. You don't even know where the shul is.'

'On Granada, right across Dixie Highway from the ball field.' The ball field being Mark Light Stadium at the University of Miami, where Steve couldn't hit a lick but semi-starred as a pinch runner and base stealer. He also occasionally attended class, majoring in theater and minoring in the swimming pool. Herbert had wanted Steve to study political science or pre-law, something that might lead to the legal profession. But the word in the dorm was that the hottest girls were in theater. Enough said. Steve brushed up his Shakespeare and headed for the Ring Theater, which was conveniently located next to the campus Rathskellar.

Only later did Steve realize that the acting skills he accidentally learned would be useful in court. As an undergrad, he played the cynical reporter E. K. Hornbeck in Inherit the Wind, a role that came easily. Then he was Teach in American Buffalo, a part he enjoyed mainly because he got to say a lot of fuck you's. His senior year, Steve played the older brother, Biff, in Death of a Salesman. A jock with early promise, Biff's life crumbled when he discovered that his father was a fraud.

'Pop's going to kill himself! Don't you know that?'

At virtually the same time Steve cried out that line, his own father-Herbert Solomon, not Willy Loman-was being hauled before the Grand Jury. Looking back, Steve knew his onstage tears were real.

For much the same reason he studied theater-hot coeds-Steve joined the campus chapter of the ACLU. The prevailing wisdom then was that liberal chicks were easier to bag than, say, the Young Republican Women for Chastity. The ACLU meetings gave him a feel for the underdog. All considered, the acting lessons and liberal politics provided solid, if unintentional, training for the life of a solo practitioner in the mystical art of the Law.

'So what's your plan?' Herbert asked.

'For Irene's birthday? We're going to Joe's for stone crabs.'

'For Kreeger!'

'I'm working on it, Dad. He claims he wants to hang out with me.'

'What'd Ah tell you? Murderers need pals, too.'

'Except it sounded more like a threat. Be my pal- or else.'

'So what's your plan?' Herbert pressed him.

Steve didn't know how much to tell his father. His father's parenting had swung between benign neglect and caustic criticism. And now, that old fear resurfaced. Ridicule and rejection. Not measuring up.

'I need to get down to the Keys. Find a witness.'

'What for?'

Steve decided to go for it. His ego had pretty much survived all the welts and bruises his father could dish out. 'That fishing trip I told you about. Kreeger and his classmate Jim Beshears.'

'Old news. You think Kreeger pushed the guy overboard and clobbered him with a gaff.'

'It's all I've got. I can't nail Kreeger for killing Nancy Lamm.'

'Double jeopardy. They already convicted him of manslaughter.'

'Exactly. But Kreeger was never charged with murdering Beshears. I need someone who was there. A witness. Beshears' girlfriend is too vague about what happened. But there was one more person on the boat.'

'The charter captain.'

'Oscar De la Fuente. He was on the fly bridge, holding the boat steady, yelling instructions. He had the angle to see everything. But I never found him.'

'Shouldn't be hard. The state would have his charter license.'

'The computer records only go back ten years. The incident was nineteen years ago. If De la Fuente had a license then, he doesn't anymore.'

'County property records?'

'Doesn't own anything in Miami-Dade, Monroe, or Collier. No business license. No fictitious-name license. No phone, listed or unlisted.'

'At least you've done your homework.'

The compliment sounded grudging, but Steve took it just the same. 'Now I'm gonna pound the pavement. Or maybe the sand.'

'What? Wear some lawyer's suit down in the Keys, poke around asking questions?'

Actually, he'd been planning on wearing cutoffs and a T-shirt that read: 'Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.' But his father was on a roll, so Steve let him go.

'The Conchs will think you're DEA,' Herbert warned him. 'No one will talk to you. And if anyone knows this De la Fuente character, they'll warn him to stay away from you. Problem is, you don't know the territory, son.'

There it was, Steve thought, his old man hauling out the knives to carve him up. 'What choice do I have?'

'You got me, you shmoe! Who knows the bars and marinas better than me?'

True. When Herbert wasn't crashing on a sofa in Steve's spare bedroom, he was fishing off his leaky houseboat on Sugarloaf Key. 'You'd do that for me?'

'I'm your father. You gotta ask?' Pleased with himself, Herbert grabbed a white straw hat he would wear over his yarmulke for the walk to the synagogue. The hat had a small, upturned brim. Steve thought it was called a porkpie, but maybe not. That didn't sound kosher.

'Thanks, Dad. I really appreciate it.'

'Don't mention it. By the way, how much are P.I.'s charging these days?'

'Good Shabbos, Dad.'

Herbert started for the door. 'Bobby's dinner is in the fridge.'

'Where is the Bobster?'

'In his room with that gypsy girl.'

'What? Who?'

'That harlot-in-training with the jewelry in her belly button. The Juban girl from a block over.'

'Not polite, Dad. We don't describe people by their religion or ethnicity.'

'That so, matzoh boy?'

'Very old-school, Dad.'

'Well, kiss my kosher tuches. Ain't my fault the girl's both a Yid and a Cubana. Tell her to change her name if she's so ashamed of it. Like some of our chickenshit landsmen. Cohen becomes Kane, Levine becomes Landers. Schmendricks.' Herbert gave a snort of disapproval.

'Her name's Maria Munoz-Goldberg, and I doubt she's ashamed of it,' Steve said.