Kill All the Lawyers

'Sitting in my jail cell, I read all your books,' Janice answered. 'Looking Out for Numero Uno made me realize I needed to love myself. When I finally put myself on a pedestal-that's chapter three-I realized how much my son needed a person as worthy as me.'

'Attagirl,' Kreeger enthused.

'Attagirl?' Steve said. 'A sociopath high-fiving a child abuser.'

'Let's get out of here,' Victoria said.

'Tell us about your childhood, Janice,' Kreeger coaxed.

'When I was a kid, I was in Girl Scouts, and I was a candy striper at Mount Sinai. Really caught up in the pleasing-others game.'

'Chapter four,' Kreeger said. ' 'The Pleasing Others Fallacy.' Altruism is for suckers. Pleasing others is a waste of time.'

'That was me. I baked cookies for shut-ins and babysat for poor families for free. I never got in touch with my inner 'I.' Never learned to say, 'I am numero uno.' So naturally, the more I gave, the more I was taken advantage of. Especially by boys.'

'Do-gooders do bad all the time,' Kreeger agreed. 'No good deed goes unpunished.'

'Then there's my brother, Stevie.'

'Regular listeners will remember Steve Solomon, another family member with a checkered past,' Kreeger pointed out, helpfully.

'You got that right, Dr. Bill.'

'Well, speak of the shyster.' Kreeger gestured toward the window. 'Here's your brother now. C'mon in, Solomon. Let's have a family reunion.'

'Don't do it, Steve,' Victoria said. 'Please don't do it.'

'I have to, Vic. My inner 'I' says so.'

Twelve minutes later, just after a promo for Kreeger's new video game, 'Shaft Thy Neighbor,' Steve listened as the shrink prattled on about himself.

'I've been an expert in quite a few custody cases over the years,' Kreeger said.

Yeah. The deceased Nancy Lamm's case, for one.

'And correct me if I'm wrong, Counselor, but doesn't the law favor mothers over fathers, much less uncles?'

'Only with very young children,' Steve said. 'And not when the mother is demonstrably unfit.'

' 'Demonstrably unfit.' Now, there's a pettifogger's term for you. So, you don't believe in rehabilitation, Counselor?'

'We talking about Janice or you?'

'Do you really want to go there, Solomon? Because I'd be forced to ask if your shoddy representation of me proved you're a 'demonstrably unfit' lawyer.'

'Janice is an unfit mother, and I can prove it.'

'You'll have your chance, Counselor.'

'Kreeger, why don't you just butt out of my family's personal matters?'

Next to him, Janice laughed. 'Too late for that, little brother. Dr. Bill's testifying for me.'

'I can't wait to cross-examine him,' Steve said.

'More lawyer tricks?' Kreeger said. 'Technicalities and obfuscations. No wonder Shakespeare said, 'Let's kill all the lawyers.' '

'Shakespeare had a villain say that,' Steve replied, miraculously remembering a long-ago English Lit class at the U. 'Dick the Butcher said it in a play, one of the Henrys. His pals were planning to overthrow the government, so the first thing they planned was to kill the lawyers to make the job easier. You're misconstruing the line, just like you're mischaracterizing my sister.'

'More legalese?' Kreeger taunted him. 'More fine print and sleight of hand. Yes, indeed. Let's kill all the lawyers before they kill all of us.'

Janice leaned closer to the microphone. 'I think Stevie's capable of murder. When he kidnapped Bobby, he broke Rufus Thigpen's skull.'

'I didn't kidnap Bobby. I rescued him from the dog cage you locked him in.'

'If I'd been the one in that shed instead of Thigpen, would you have cracked my head open, too?' Janice prodded.

'I'm not gonna answer that.'

'Hear that, listeners!' Kreeger said happily. 'The shyster invokes the Fifth Amendment.'

'This is bullshit!' Steve slammed his hand on the table.

'Please refrain from profanity and violence, Counselor. Janice, should I call security?'

'I'm not worried,' she said. 'When we were kids, I used to beat the crap out of Stevie.'

'Yeah,' Steve said. 'When you outweighed me by thirty pounds.'

'You oughta thank me. How do you think you learned to run so fast?' Janice lowered her voice as if sharing a deep secret. 'I used to make him eat mud pies.'

'Hold that thought, and don't touch the dial,' Kreeger instructed. 'We'll be back right after this news break.' He pointed toward the control room and took off his earphones. 'This is great radio. Solomon, perhaps you can ask Ms. Lord to join us for a while. I'd love to ask her about you.'

'Why don't we talk about you?' Steve said as a news announcer droned in the background. 'About you and Amanda.'

'What's to say? I saved the poor girl, just as you claim to have saved your nephew.'

'No, you didn't. You killed her mother to get at her. You're a freaking pedophile.'

'Delusions and hysteria. I'd better make a note to add that to your report.'

Just then, two uniformed officers entered the studio from the control room. Steve had a disconcerting sense of deja vu. He'd been arrested here once before, for slugging Arnold Freskin. But these two were City of Miami, not Beach cops. And he recognized them at once. They'd shown up at Goldberg's house last night and taken statements. Rodriguez and Teele. Hispanic cop and black cop, just like on TV. Rodriguez had a thin mustache and Teele sported a mini-Afro, again like a TV cop, circa The Mod Squad.

'Hello, Mr. Solomon,' Rodriguez said. 'Is this your sister?'

'Yes! Take her away, officers. What is it this time: drug possession? Parole violation? Did she rob a bank this morning?'

'Ms. Solomon,' Teele said. 'Last night, were you present when your brother struck a Dr. Myron Goldberg on or about the face?'

'Yeah. Stevie slugged him right in the kisser.'

'Was your brother protecting you from Dr. Goldberg at the time?'

'What do you mean?' Janice asked.

'Was Dr. Goldberg threatening you with a firearm?'

A moment of silence.

'C'mon, Janice,' Steve prodded. 'Tell them about the Uzi.'

'Mr. Solomon, please remain quiet,' Teele instructed.

'Dr. Goldberg didn't do anything,' Janice said. 'Stevie just hauled off and sucker-punched him.'

'That's a lie!' Steve was halfway out of his chair when Rodriguez grabbed him by a shoulder and spun him around. Teele had the handcuffs on before Steve could say he wanted to make a phone call.

Kreeger punched a button and yelled at his board operator. 'Cut into the news. We're going live. State versus Solomon. Chapter two.'

SOLOMON'S LAWS

9. Q: What do you call a judge who is old, cantankerous, and flatulent?

A: 'Your Honor.'