everything he wanted, but offered little to her. He knew he was safe, emotionally. He was never going to care about anyone again. He’d learned his lesson a long time ago and he wasn’t going to repeat it.
“I understand,” he said, and was surprised when regret boiled into anger. He did understand, but he didn’t like it. He wanted to be with her. He wanted her in his bed and in his life. For the summer, of course. He wasn’t looking for an emotional connection.
“I’m also concerned about Christie,” she went on. She gave his fingers a quick squeeze, then released him. “If she sees us acting like a couple, she’ll start to think that we’re going to be a normal family. I think just staying friends is better for everyone.”
“Safer, you mean,” he said, fighting the irritation of not getting his way. “Settling for what’s offered instead of taking what you want.”
She flinched and turned her gaze away. “An interesting comment coming from you. Playing it safe is what you do best, Parker. Isn’t that what this entire household is about? Providing you with a place to escape.”
Now it was his turn to feel uncomfortable. “This is my home,” he said. “Nothing more.”
“Isn’t it? You don’t hide out here so you can keep the world at a distance? I’m surprised you’ve let Christie in as much as you have. I suppose she’s accepted because she’s just a child and because her visit is temporary. But an adult woman is more of a risk.” She stared at him, her hazel eyes seeing far more than they should. “I believe that you got a brilliant idea this morning and I’m pleased to have had a small part in that inspiration. But I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to seal yourself away from me for an entire day.”
“I have a responsibility to my work.”
“And maybe it was a little easier not to have to face me and what had happened between us.”
“I don’t regret what happened.”
She gave him a sad smile. “That’s not what I’m saying. You-” She hesitated.
“I what?” he asked, then wondered if he really wanted to know.
“You hold a part of yourself back. You do it with Kiki, with me, even with Christie. I’m sure you held back with Stacey. Did you do the same thing with your wife, Parker? Did you keep parts of your heart from her?”
He rose to his feet. “You have no right to ask me about her.”
“I have every right,” she said quietly. “This isn’t about me. I’ll survive whatever happens between us. Our relationship isn’t important. What matters is Christie. She’s your daughter. I won’t let you do to her what you’ve done to the other people in your life. You’d better think long and hard about this. You’d better search your heart and know for sure. If you hold back from your daughter, she’ll know. She won’t understand that it’s about you and not about her. She’ll blame herself. I won’t let you hurt her that way.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, pacing across the room.
“Not on purpose, maybe, but it’s a habit.” She laced her fingers together and studied them. “You still mourn Robin. While I can appreciate that you really loved her, I can’t help but wonder why you won’t let go. Is it guilt, Parker? Is it because she died knowing you held a part of yourself in reserve? Christie is only four years old. You can’t let her dream of flying, then let her crash to the ground. She trusts you. Are you going to let her down?”
He stood in front of the fireplace and stared at her. “Never.”
She went on as if she hadn’t heard him. “The hardest part about being a parent is that you have to give everything and pray that it’s enough. Sometimes it’s not, but you have to try anyway. You have to be willing to make sacrifices. When we first came here I was a little jealous of your relationship with Christie. She wanted a father and you did everything right. I handled it because being with you was the best thing for her. Now it’s easier. I’m glad you two get along. My point is I had to be willing to make a sacrifice and you’re going to have to do the same.”
Erin jealous of him? But he was just fumbling in the dark with this while
“I love her,” he said.
“That’s a start.”
A thousand thoughts swirled through his mind. Erin’s accusations about holding back a part of himself. Could he be a good parent? Was he capable of giving as much as Christie needed? What would happen to her if he failed?
He turned and left the room. The inky blackness of night called him. He opened the French doors and stepped onto the terrace.
A soft sea breeze caressed him as he stood looking at the ocean. He couldn’t see anything beyond the occasional whitecap. He could hear the pounding of the surf. It matched the thundering of his heartbeat. It had been so long since he’d fought them that he’d thought he’d conquered the demons. He’d been wrong.
They returned silently, swooping out of the night, attacking him with swords sharpened by regret. They pierced his protective layer of logic, zeroing in on his exposed uncertainties. Robin. Always Robin.
Without closing his eyes he could see her lying in the hospital bed. He’d clutched her hand and begged her not to leave him. It was just pneumonia; she wasn’t supposed to die.
He drew in a deep breath and instead of salt air, he smelled the antiseptic scent of hospital disinfectant. He could feel her fragile fingers resting in his, and see the shadows under her eyes.
“Don’t go,” he’d whispered. “I’ll never make it without you.”
She’d looked at him then, turning her head until she could see him. “It’s better this way,” she’d said, every word a labor of breath and energy. “You’ll remember me alive. You won’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you, Robin. You’re my whole life. I love you.”
A single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. “Today,” she murmured. “You love me today. What about tomorrow? What happens when the disease steals my body? You’re so alive, Parker. You would hate the illness and eventually you’d hate me.” She paused to catch her breath. A sharp cough racked her thin frame.
“Never,” he told her. “I’d be right here. Always.”
Then she’d smiled at him. A sad knowing smile that had made him feel like an unruly child. They hadn’t talked again. He’d stayed with her, holding on to her until she slipped into a coma, then silently died.
Now, with the night air surrounding him, Parker questioned his commitment to his wife. Had Robin believed he held something back? Obviously she hadn’t trusted him to be there for her during her illness. He’d been so angry with her for leaving him. Had he ever forgiven her?
Had she ever forgiven him?
The unexpected question brought a rush of shame. He hung his head and breathed a prayer of apology. To her and to Stacey. Erin was right. His wife had been right. They both sensed a weakness in him.
“I would have stayed with you,” he said aloud, speaking to the night. “Always, Robin. I loved you.”
As the words caught flight and were carried aloft, even he heard the answering echo of falseness. He loved her, but not with all his heart. He’d held something back. In the end, she’d known the truth. He wasn’t enough. He would never have been enough.
He returned to the study. Erin was still in the chair although she hadn’t picked up her book. He stood in the doorway. “You’re right,” he said. “About everything. I understand why you don’t want a relationship with me. I don’t blame you.”
“Parker, that’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words.”
He shrugged. “It’s what you meant and that’s what’s important. I’ll do my best with Christie. I can’t promise to be perfect, but I want to be a good father to her. I do care about her.”
“I know.” Sadness settled in her eyes. “That’s all anyone can ask for. If you’re aware of the problem, I’m sure you can prevent it from happening. Just remember she needs you to love her unconditionally.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard. Christie is easy to love.” He turned to leave, then paused. “I-” Hell, what was he supposed to say to her? “Good night, Erin.”
He climbed the stairs and prepared for a long night battling the demons. Maybe this time they wouldn’t win.
When Parker walked into the kitchen the next morning, Kiki was already rolling out cinnamon rolls. Christie sat beside her on the counter. She had a small bowl filled with raisins in one hand.
“Daddy!” she squealed when she saw him. She held out her arms.
As Kiki took the bowl from her, he crossed the room and grabbed Christie close.
“Morning, angel. What are you doing?”
“I’m helpin’ with breakfast. We’re making cinnamon rolls.”
