She crossed to her bathroom and clicked on the light. It was worse than she thought. In addition to spiky hair and pale skin, she had bags the size of carry-on luggage under her eyes. Scratch that starting-the-day-with-a-smile stuff. She was going to have spend the next hour with a cold compress under her eyes.
Nash heard footsteps on the stairs shortly after five that morning. He figured it was probably Stephanie getting an early start to her day. While he wanted to get up and join her in whatever she might have planned, he didn't think she would appreciate the interruption.
Instead he continued to sit in the tufted chair in front of the window and stare out at the faint hint of light on the eastern horizon.
He felt good. Hell of a thing to admit, but it was true. Life coursed through his body. Desire rumbled just below the surface and threatened to surge back into existence at any moment. Interest prickled at the edges of his mind. He no longer wanted to get lost in his job-instead he was making plans, anticipating.
When had that happened? It wasn't all about the kiss and his reawakened sexual need. Oh, sure, hewanted Stephanie. All she had to do was name the time and place and he would be there. But this feeling inside was about something more.
Was it finding out about his family? Was it a combination of things? Was it that he'd finally be forced to look up from his work long enough to remember there was a world out here? Did it matter? As he stared out the window, he had a sudden flashback to what she'd felt like in his arms. How her body had yielded to his. Curves to hard planes. She'd smelled so damn good. His fingers flexed as he recalled the feel of her breasts and how she'd moaned when he'd brushed against her tight nipples.
His body reacted quickly and predictably. Nash chuckled as blood sprinted to his groin. The ache there thickened until it bordered on uncomfortable, but that was okay with him. Feeling all of this beat feeling nothing, and he'd been feeling nothing for a long time.
Since well before Tina's death.
He closed his eyes against the growing light. He didn't want to think about her. Not today. He didn't want to live in the past or wonder what he could have done differently. He just wanted to be.
Life beckoned. He heard the call, felt the stirring inside himself. Was he going to answer? Was it safe? He opened his eyes and considered the question. There were no guarantees. He'd always known, but Tina's death had reminded him in an ugly way. Joining the rest of the world would mean taking risks. He could never forget that he had to stay in control. He couldn't risk letting that go, not even for a second.
His cell phone rang. Nash grabbed it from the desk by the window and glanced at the display screen. He recognized the number and punched the Talk button.
“Harmon.'
“Tell me you're on a beach somewhere enjoying the sun.' Nash grinned. 'Jack, it's a little after five in the morning on the west coast. There isn't any sun.' His boss swore. 'Sorry. I always forget about the time difference. Did 1 wake you?'
“No. I was up.'
“Want to tell me why?' Nash thought about Stephanie and what they'd done the previous evening. 'Not a chance.'
“Huh. I can't decide if your being cryptic is good or bad.'
“I can't help you there.'
“You mean you won't. Never mind. I'm not calling to mess with you too much. I thought I'd bring you up to date on what's going on around the office.'
“Right.' Nash grinned. 'You're calling to check up on me. Why don't you admit it?'
“Because I don't have to. Marie's pregnant.' Nash's grin broadened. 'Don't sound so broken up about it.'
“She already has eight or nine kids. Why does she want another one? What if she doesn't come back? She keeps my life running smoothly. I don't want to have to train some other assistant.'
“Hold on. I want to pause a moment and feel the compassion.' Jack swore again. 'I know, I know. I should be happy for her.'
“You would be if it weren't so inconvenient for you.'
“Right.' Nash shook his head. 'For one thing, Marie only has two children, not eight or nine. For another, she loves her job more than most of us do. She's not going to quit.'
“That's what she says, but I don't believe her.”
“That's your problem.' Jack called him a name, then brought him up to date on several projects. 'So how are you feeling?' he asked when he was done.
“I felt fine before I left and I still feel fine,' Nash said.
“You know what I mean. I worry about you. Too many hours, no time off. Hell, Nash, you don't even call in sick.'
“That's because I don't get sick.'
“You work late, you work holidays. It's not natural. I don't want you burning out. I need you at the top of your game.'
“So your concern is all about you.'
“Damn straight.' Jack was quiet for a second. 'You need to talk to somebody.' Nash's chest tightened. 'I did.'
“You had the required sessions with an in-house psychologist, because I threatened to fire you if you didn't. I'm talking about someone outside the bureau. Tina's death was a shock to all of us. Violence leaves a scar.' The conversation was a variation of one they'd had a dozen times before. 'I've dealt with it in my own way.'
“That's what scares me. Do you still blame yourself?' Nash knew the right answer. He was supposed to say that he didn't. That it was just one of those things. Instead he told the truth.
“I should have known. I should have done something.'
“You're good, but you're not that good. No one is.' But Nash knew he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be one of the best.
“So you're having fun?' Jack asked in a change of subject.
Nash thought about what he'd been doing for the past few days. 'Yeah. I am.'
“Good to hear. Take it easy. Relax. Become one of the living again.'
“I'm working on it.'
“I wish I could believe that. You need to get laid.' Nash chuckled. 'Funny you should mention that. I was just thinking the same thing myself.”
“For real?'
“Yup.'
“That's the best news I heard all day. Good for you.'
“Don't be so enthusiastic,' Nash said. 'You're starting to worry me.' Jack laughed. 'Fair enough. Okay. you go find a good-looking broad and I'll hold things together here. See you in a couple of weeks.'
“Sure thing. Bye.' Nash pushed the End button on his cell, then tossed the phone back onto the desk. Jack was old school, and the least politically correct guy Nash knew. But he was a good man who genuinely cared. He wanted Nash to let the past go-not just for the sake of his team, but for Nash himself.
Nash wasn't ready to let anything go, not yet, but he was willing to take his friend's advice about finding a 'good-looking broad.' He already had one in mind.
Nash showered and dressed, but waited until close to seven before going downstairs. After what had happened the previous night, he wasn't sure what to expect. At the bottom of the stairs he saw that the kitchen door was closed and the dining room door was open. Taking that as a hint, he crossed to the dining room and found his usual place for one already set. The local paper, along with
She had returned to her B &B-owner uniform of tailored slacks, low-heeled pumps and a sweater that clung to her upper body in such a way as to interfere with his brain waves. Makeup accentuated her blue eyes… eyes that were not looking directly at him.
“Good morning,' she said politely as she carried a full coffeepot over to the table. She unscrewed the lid of the carafe, then filled it with the steaming liquid.
