“Any sign or symbol you please, as long as you don’t outshine the two ladies. As I said, you don’t want to underdress either, because you don’t want to forfeit His Majesty’s attention. You must do everything in your power to stand out among thousands of concubines. You might not get to see your husband at all except on those occasions.”
I wished that I could invite An-te-hai to join me for breakfast instead of serving me, watching me eat and then going to his quarters to have a cold yam.
He appreciated my feelings and was happy to enslave himself. I knew that he was weaving his future around me. If I became Hsien Feng’s favorite, his position would be elevated. But I was getting no attention from His Majesty. How long did I have to wait? Would I ever get a chance? Why was I not hearing anything from Chief Eunuch Shim?
It had been seven weeks since I entered the Palace of Concentrated Beauty. I no longer looked at the yellow glazed roofs. Their brilliance had faded in my eyes. The task of picking out dresses to wear in the morning bored me to tears. I realized by now that I would dress up for no one else to see. Even my eunuchs and ladies in waiting would not be there to witness the perfection of my beauty. They were instructed to hide themselves when not called. I usually ended up alone after I was fully dressed.
Every day I found myself standing in the middle of the splendid but empty palace, my neck stretched long and hard from morning to noon. Countless times I dreamed of Emperor Hsien Feng’s visit. In my fantasies he came, took my hand and passionately embraced me.
Lately I had been sitting by my pond. Dressed up like a fool, I watched the turtles and toads. In the morning the sun lingered over the garden, and two turtles would swim up lazily. They floated on top of the water for a time and then crawled over to a flat rock to relax. Slowly one would get on top of the other. They would lie motionless in this position for hours, and I would sit with them.
An-te-hai appeared from the bushes holding a cup of tea on a tray.
“Is my lady having a good day?” An-te-hai placed the tea in front of me.
I sighed and told him that I didn’t feel like having tea.
An-te-hai smiled. He leaned over and pushed the turtles gently back into the water. “You are too anxious, my lady. Don’t be.”
“Life is too long in the Forbidden City, An-te-hai,” I said. “Even the seconds are hard to pass.”
“The day will come,” An-te-hai said. His expression showed a sincere belief. “His Majesty will summon you, my lady.”
“Will he?”
“You must believe that he will.”
“Why would he?”
“Why wouldn’t he?” An-te-hai rose from his knees.
“Speak no more of false hope, An-te-hai!”
“You can’t afford to lose your confidence, my lady. What else do you own besides hope? His Majesty has placed you on the west side of his palace. I believe that is the sign of a strong interest. All the fortune-tellers I have consulted predict that he will summon you.”
My mood lightened and I picked up the tea.
“May I ask”-the eunuch smiled as if he felt better himself-“if my lady is prepared if the summons comes tonight? In other words, is my lady familiar with the mating ritual?”
Embarrassed, I replied, “Of course I am.”
“If you desire an explanation, I am here to help.”
“You?” I couldn’t help laughing. “Watch your behavior, An-te-hai.”
“Only you know whether or not I was behaving, my lady.”
I went quiet.
“I will be glad to drink the poison you hand me,” An-te-hai said softly.
“Perform your duty and waste no words.” I smiled.
“Wait for me, my lady. I’ll show you something.” Quickly An-te-hai collected the tea set and left. Moments later he returned with a paper box in his hand. Inside was a pair of silkworm moths.
“I got this from the garden of the Palace of Benevolent Tranquility,” An-te-hai said. “It is where the elder concubines live-twenty-eight of them, left by Emperor Hsien Feng’s father and grandfather. These are their pets.”
“What do they do with moths?” I asked. “I thought they spent their days doing embroidery.”
“Well, the ladies watch and play with the moths,” An-te-hai said. “It is the same as the emperors and princes indulging themselves with crickets. The only difference is that there is no competition between silkworm moths.”
“What’s the fun in watching moths?”
“You have no idea, my lady.” As if revealing a mystery, An-te-hai be-came excited. “The ladies love to watch the moths couple, and then they tear them apart in the middle of their mating ritual. Would you like me to show you?”
Imagining what An-te-hai would do, I raised my hands in the air. “No! Take the box back. I am not interested!”
“All right, my lady, I won’t show you today. But someday you will want to see this. You will then understand the fun of it, just like the other ladies.”
“What happens when you tear the moths apart?” I asked.
“They bleed to death.”
“And that is the ‘fun’ you were talking about?”
“Precisely.” An-te-hai smiled, misreading, for the first time, my thoughts.
“Whoever does this must have a sick mind,” I said, turning my head toward the distant mountains.
“Well, to those in despair it helps healing,” the eunuch said quietly.
I turned and stared into the open box.
Two moths were becoming one. Half of the male’s body was inside the female’s.
“Would you like me to remove the box, my lady?”
“Be gone, An-te-hai, and leave the moths to me.”
“Yes, my lady. The moths are easy to feed. In case you need to have more than one pair, the silkworm seller comes to the palace the fourth day of every month.”
The pair rested peacefully on a mat of straw. Next to them were two broken cocoons. The two little white bodies had wings covered with thick ash-colored powder. Once in a while their wings trembled. Were they having fun?
The sun shifted. The flat rock was now in shade. The garden was warm and comfortable. I noticed my reflection in the water. My cheeks were the color of a peach flower, and my hair reflected the light.
I tried to block my mind from traveling further. I didn’t want to ruin the moment by picturing my future. But I knew that I envied the pair of moths and the turtles. My youth told me that I couldn’t extinguish my desire, just as I couldn’t force the sun not to shine or the wind not to blow.
Afternoon came. A rickety cart dragged by a donkey appeared in my view. It was a rusty water cart. An old man with a whip walked behind it. There was a little yellow flag on top of the giant wooden cask. The old man was coming to fill the water jars in my palace. According to An-te-hai, the water cart was over fifty years old. It had served since Emperor Chien Lung. To procure the best spring water, the Emperor had ordered experts to come to Peking to study and compare the quality of water samples gathered from springs across the country. The Emperor had personally conducted the measuring and weighing of the water, and he had analyzed the mineral content of each sample.
The water from Jade Mountain Spring was given the highest rating. From then on, the spring was set aside for the exclusive use of residents of the Forbidden City. The gates of Peking closed by ten at night, and nothing was allowed to pass through except the water cart with the little yellow flag. The donkey traveled in the center of the boulevard. It was said that even a prince on a horse had to make way for the donkey.
I watched the water man finish his task and then disappear behind the gate. I listened to the fading sound of
