”Listen. There was and is nothing that we could do with our love. Miles could not leave Diana. He is married to Diana, Diana has given her whole life to Miles. And after I had told my love and tasted his I could not remain in the house-“
”There are other houses in London.”
”Not for Miles and me. We couldn’t live like that.”
”You could try. Did you go to bed together?” Danby was still standing with his back to her, staring down at his hair brush.
”No, of course not.”
”I don’t see why of course. You’re not saints.”
”No. We are cool self-interested people. We did not want to set a course into ruin and madness.”
”Well, I’m still waiting to see what aspect of your cool self-interest has brought you to me with this practically unbearable story!”
”As I told you, we decided that we must part and I decided that it would be easier for both of us if I went right away and I fixed up a job for myself in India, in Calcutta, with the Save the Children Fund.”
”Then why aren’t you in Calcutta,” said Danby, “why are you in Stadium Street, in my bedroom, sitting on my bed with your shoes off?”
There was silence. He looked up at last. She was looking at him with a peculiar hard intensity. After a pause she went on, “I decided not to go to India. It was a difficult decision and a very crucial one.”
”So you’re going back to Miles after all, and you thought you’d drop in on me on the way and tell me all about it!”
”No, I’m not going back to Miles.”
”Then what are you going to do?”
”That,” said Lisa, “depends partly on you.”
Danby sat down very slowly in the chair by the window.
He stared at her fiercely, sternly. “Lisa, just what are you talking about?”
She looked at him now almost with hostility. “I want to make it all crystal clear,” she said. “And it’s not easy to make clear.”
”I’ll say it isn’t!”
”I don’t want you to be in any way cheated.”
”I look like being killed not cheated.”
”I had to make it plain about Miles-“
”You’ve made it plain! What do you want, Lisa, do you want to use me to make Miles jealous?”
”It’s odd,” she said, “I think it was seeing you talking to me that day in the cemetery that made Miles suddenly realize he loved me-when he saw that someone else might.”
”You can spare me the touching reminiscences. So that is what you want?”
”No. I have no plans which concern Miles.”
”It’s impossible,” said Danby. “You love him. He loves you. As you’ve explained ten times. It’s impossible. You must in tend to go back to him.”
”No.”
”Well, then what do you want me to do?”
For the first time since her arrival Lisa showed some confusion. She sighed, dropped her gaze, and began to push her hair back, fingering the damp rings on her neck into dry dark brown tendrils. “I decided not to go to India-“
”Go on.”
”I spent all those years-in that house-loving Miles and knowing where he slept-every night-“. “Cut that bit.”
”I could have gone on, you see, indefinitely, and I thought I would go on indefinitely. Only then that suddenly happened, his loving me like that and my telling him-“
”Lisa, don’t take me round again, I can’t stand it.”
”When I thought I’d go away I imagined I was the same person, the person of before. It was the person of before who decided to go to India-“
”Go on, go on.”
”Well, I found I wasn’t that person anymore.”
”What on earth are you talking about?”
”I’d also like you to know,” she said, looking directly at him again, “that I do absolutely believe that you love me, and that it is, as you put it, serious, different, terrible.”
Danby stared at her. He felt as if he was going to faint and slide forward off the chair. He said hoarsely, “Christ. You want me to console you.”
Lisa was looking at him with great intentness. “There is something, yes, which might be put like that. As I said it is extremely difficult to be precise. That-experience-with Miles altered me. Maybe for the worse, time will show. found I couldn’t just go away-and be alone. I didn’t want to go away-anymore.”
”Oh Lisa,” said Danby. He put his hand to his eyes. “It’s no good,” he said. “I should die of it.”
”Possibly. Possibly not.”
Danby leaned forward, glaring at her. “You listen to me now. You are simply deluding yourself. You said you couldn’t go away and be alone. All right, but what’s the point of coming to me when you don’t love me and you do love somebody else? Don’t you realize there’s only one cure for your loneliness and this isn’t it? You don’t love me. You certainly don’t know me. Perhaps just at this moment you are grateful to me for being in love with you. I might cheer you up, amuse you, for a short while, days, weeks maybe. Then you’d go back to Miles. And I should kill myself. Or Miles. Or you.”
”No,” said Lisa carefully, leaning forward with an equal intentness, “I’ve thought all this out. You have to believe me that I won’t go back to Miles. You must see. Miles is the one man who is entirely impossible.”
”I don’t see. Nothing is impossible when people are in love. You’re mad, you’re absolutely mad. And you obviously haven’t understood what you’re trifling with here. It’s a great fire, Lisa, it’s a killer.”
”I want to get over Miles and I will get over Miles,” said Lisa. “I know how to do it. I shall suffer pain and I shall inflict pain, I know that. Miles feels I’m in a nunnery or dead. His peace depends on seeing me as unattainable, as an angel. It will hurt terribly when it turns out that I am only a woman after all.”
”Then he’ll come round and get you.”
”No. Then he will stop loving me.”
”So it’s all in aid of a cure for Miles!”
”Don’t be a fool. Danby, listen, can’t you conceive that I might care for you and find you attractive, that something did happen that day in the cemetery and that night in the garden? I’m grateful that you love me, but it isn’t just that. It means a lot to be wanted, but it isn’t just that. I loved Miles but I could see you too. I wouldn’t come to just anybody like this and ask to be consoled and helped. I’ve been thinking about you for days and weeks. Thinking about you made me decide not to go to India. Does it seem so strange after all that I should want to make somebody happy and be happy myself? I’ve thought about the way you fell on your knees in the ashes in the garden and how very much at that moment I wanted to touch you. In all those years at Kempsford Gar dens I lost my instinct of self-preservation. I’ve been living in a dark cage. Now I’m out of it. It has been painful, this coming out, and it will go on being painful for some time, but that’s a simple clean pain such as one might live with. I am not mad, Danby. I have never been more sane, coldly sane,
”You don’t know me at all-“
”I have seen your heart. You don’t know me. You imagine I’m good. But those self-denying years prove nothing. And you think I am-like someone else.”
”No,” he said, “no. I can see you. I can see you.”
”Then let us trust each other.”
”Wait a minute,” said Danby, “before I start screaming. Just what are you suggesting?”
”Something very simple. That we try to get to know each other better. For instance, you might invite me out to dinner.”
