The Book And The Brotherhood

crisis who is struck down by a sudden visitation, a mixture of shock, prostration, fear, and a weird painful joy. He was glad to be alone and able to tremble and gasp over it all. His irritable coldness to Gerard with Jenkin had not been entirely simulated. He had to stay cool, to stay cold, so as not to expect too much, not to expect anything, not to imagine the future at all; and he was helpfully, annoyed by the gleeful faces of his friends bringing the good news and expecting him to be excited and grateful. He had inhibited his hopes, deliberately feared the worst, even nursed his old huge resentments, and did not know until he wits actually in Jean's presence that he still absolutely loved her, and that she at least sufficiently seemed to love him. That wits enough of a miracle to rest upon for one night at any rate.

Rose breakfasted earl^y the next morning, and said goodbye her guests who duly came down and seemed to be orderly and sane, and for whom Annushka's more elaborate breakfast rangements were now waiting. The sun was shining upon wet garden. The^y waved Rose off; but before the sound of car had died away Jean broke down. She ran upstairs and locked herself in her bedroom. Duncan, outside, could hear her sobbing h^ysterically. At intervals he knocked and called. He was not impatient. He sat down on the floor in the corridor and waited. Annushka brought him a chair and a cup of coffee. Duncan sat, listening to Jean weeping, a kind of resigned calm descended on him. He would have preferred to sit on the floor, but had to sit on the chair out of politeness to Annushka.

At last the door was opened. Jean unlocked it, then rushed back to the bed and lay there crying more quietly. Duncan looked round the familiar room, where the wood fire was blazing brightly. He noticed, which he had scarcely taken in yesterday, the demoted picture and the rectangle of blue paper. He picked up the octagonal table, decanted the books upon it onto the floor, put it beside one of the windows and placed two upright chairs beside it. Then he went to the hvil, sought for Jean's two hands, pulled her up and led her to the table. They sat, half facing each other, half facing the sunlit view over little green hillsides, some distant village houses and the tower of the church. As soon as Duncan seized her Jean stopped crying. She sat now with her hands palm downwards on the table, her lips parted, her face wet, her hair tousled, looking away out of the window. She was still wearing Rose’s tweed dress, but had taken the belt off. Duncan watched bet for a while in silence. Then he drew out a handkerchief ant leaned over and carefully dried her face. He drew his chat closer and began to caress her hands, and her arms, thrustiii back the loose sleeves of the dress, then to stroke down her hair, combing it out with his fingers. Jean began to sigh quietly, bowing her head to the rhythmical movement of his big heavy hand.

After a while, moving away from her, he said, 'So the Rover is a write-off?'

'Yes.'

'What happened?'

'I was running away, too fast.'

'Will you run back equally fast?'

'No. That's smashed – too.'

'Aren't you still in love?'

Jean said, gazing out of the window, 'It's over.'

'I shall take some convincing.'

'I will convince you.'

'It'll take a long time, you know, to put us together again many tears. We must show all our wounds, tell each other the, truth, abstain and fast. Time must pass. We do not know what we shall be or what we shall want.'

'But we'll be together.'

'I hope so.'

'You pity me.'

‘ I pity you very much, that is something you will have to put up with.'

'I am afraid of you.'

'Oh good – but, oh my darling, let us be happy at last.'

'Just when everything's going well, you spoil it all!' cried Lily.

^,Sex is going well,' said Gulliver. 'Nothing else is. And don't say 'what else is there'. I'm tired of your smartness.'

'I'm not smart. I just try to be. You're hurting me deliberately. You've become mean and cruel. What's the matter with you?’

' I've told you what's the matter, I'm worthless.'

‘That's what I say! So we're both worthless! So let's stick together!'

'No, you're real, you're something. I'm nothing. You've got money, that's something.'

'Then let's celebrate, let's go to Paris.'

'No. And you've got some inside, you've got courage, you're We, that's something too, you've got being, you are unticated and stupid, but you actually want to do things, u've got joie de vivre.'

'I wish you had. You've been a perfect misery for days. All you need is a job.'

'All I need is a job! How dare you taunt me! You despise

'I don't. You're tall and dark and good-looking.'

'I shall never be employed again, never. Do you realise what it’s like to face that? You don't care, you actually like doing ling. I don't.'

'You can write can't you? You started writing another play.'

`It's no good. I can't write.'

`Couldn't we do something together, set up a small business, money could do that.'

`What sort of small business? Manufacturing ball-bearings or face cream? We haven't any skills. We'd just lose your money. Anyway, I'm through with your money.'

'Oh stop it, you bloody man! Can't Gerard get you a job? He tried before, didn't he?'

'Yes, and he's just tried again, he oh so kindly sent me a man who ran a literary agency who told me to get lost! Gulliver doesn't care. He only does fake good works to make admire him.'

'That's not true. You said he led you on and dropped you! That's why you're against him!'

'He didn't even lead me on!'

'Gull, don't be so awful when things are getting better. We’re better, Tamar's gone home, thank God, and she's back at work, Jean's come back to Duncan, it'll soon be Christmas -'

'Tamar's another damned soul who'll kill herself with drugs or cancer. And Duncan will kill Jean, he can't forgive her twice, he's just pretending, I bet she's scared stiff. One night when they're in bed she'll find him staring at her like Othello and then he'll strangle her.'

'You'd better go to a doctor and get yourself seen to.'

'Why do you talk about them as if they cared about us? You're a snob. You'd like to belong to that horrible set, but they'd never regard you, or me, as one of them, not in a hundred years, so you needn't try so hard!'

'Oh shut up! Go and join the Foreign Legion!'

'I'm going away, I'm serious. I'm giving up my flat, I sold the furniture to the next tenant, I've sold my books -'

'No!'

'Well, most of them, what do you think was in those boxes I asked you to store for me? I can't afford to live like that more, and I'm not going to sponge on you. I'm going to the north.'

'To the north?'

'I want to be where people are really suffering and not just pretending to. I want to join the dregs of humanity, the bottom people, I want to be really poor. I've got to stop thinking I'm a burgeois intellectual. If I can stop thinking that I can get a job. But not here, not with you lot, not with bossy Gerard and lot my Jenkin and aristocratic Rose -'