The Book And The Brotherhood

'I don't see how it can be about me,' said Rose coldly. She felt a tremor of fear, and all sorts of horrible crazy possibilities suddenly made their appearance. She thought, he's going to blackmail me – yet how can he – to get Jean back – or else it's something against Gerard – or – she hoped she was not playing her emotion. 'Does it concern Gerard too?'

‘No,' said Crimond, in a sharp peevish tone, `it does not concern Gerard, Why do you keep dragging him in?'

'I'm not 'dragging him in said Rose, beginning to get annoyed.'You've been so mysterious and sort of menacing. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think you are full of ill-will towards us.'

‘You are very wrong,' said Crimond, looking intently at her. He seemed now collected and very tense.

'You ought to be grateful to us.'

'I am grateful. But -'

'But what?'

''That's what I came about.'

'Well, then, what is it?'

'I want to know you better.'

Rose was amazed. 'You want all of us to be your friends again, after everything that's happened, after -?'

'No, not all. Just you.'

'Why just me?'

`Perhaps I had better be more frank.'

`Perhaps you had.'

‘I came here to ask if you would consider marrying me.'

Rose flushed scarlet, and pushed her chair back. She felt almost faint with a mixture of anger and amazement. She could hardly believe that she had heard rightly. She said, `Could you say that again?'

`Rose, I want you to marry me. Of course this must seem to you premature -'

`Premature -!'

`It would have been possible for me to proceed more indirectly, asking you out to lunch and so on, but such – gambits – would have been in the nature of subterfuges. I thought it better to announce my – my wish – at once, and let the other things follow from that.'

Rose clutched the collar of her dress and shrank back ⁱⁿ her chair. She felt very frightened. `Mr Crimond, I think you aro mad.'

`Please, if you will, don't call me 'Mr Crimond'. I would like you to call me 'David', but if at the moment you cannot, I would rather you just called me 'Crimond', as other people do. I know that I am sometimes thought to be mad, but you must surely, and surely now, see that I am not.'

`This must be some sort of awful joke,' said Rose, 'or else a wicked premeditated insult.' She felt angry, she felt cornered. The electrical field, perceptible when he had first entered the room, increased in intensity, surrounded her and made her tremble, almost shake.

Crimond, now a little more relaxed, said in an explanatory tone, 'You know that I am not joking or trying to insult you, A proposal of marriage is not usually regarded as an insult.'

`But – you must be totally out of touch with reality! I can't understand how you can suddenly say this! It can't be any thing to do with me! You must be doing it as a sort of crazy revenge, against Gerard, or against Jean, to hurt them – except you can't – it's something horrible -'

‘Rose,' said Crimond, 'it's not horrible, and it's not any of things you say -'

‘You can't imagine that I could take such a 'proposal' seriously! Are you so impertinent – or so naive? I don't know I don't like you. You have wantonly damaged the life and destroyed the happiness of my best friend, whom you appeared to be so madly in love with! And now you come to me this insulting nonsense!'

‘I can imagine,' said Crimond, 'that you may resent the proximity of my relations with your friend -'

‘I don't 'resent the proximity' – really, you are outrageous! I cannot interpret you except as false and wicked – there isn't any- any context- which could make what you say otherwise!'

‘You argue well -'

‘I'm not arguing!'

‘What you say, and what you imply, deserves an answer. And this is just what I want to offer you. Of course I was in love with Jean. But my relation with her was ^an impossibility – we twice tried to live it, and proved it twice impossible.'

‘Because she was married -'

‘No, that was nothing. Because of the peculiar, the particular, intensity of our relationship. I could explain this at more length-‘

‘Please do not!'

‘We attained an apex – after that we were bound to destroy each other. We both realised it. I was devouring her being and makig her less. And after a time, she would have hated me. It was better to leave it behind as something perfect, and finished with. It was doomed.'

‘So you parted by agreement – it was not just that you left her?’ Rose could not help asking that question. In the midst of her fear and anger she could not help feeling a stirring of curiosity. It was all so extremely unexpected.

Crimond said thoughtfully after a moment, 'Essentially it was mutual. I thought there was a certain solution. I expect she has told you.'

‘She has told me nothing.'

‘I will tell you perhaps later on.'

'Mr Crimond,' said Rose, 'there is no later on. I want you to go away and I won't see you again.'

Crimond ignored this. 'My feeling, my love for Jean nothing to do with what I want to discuss with you. Of course this shock tactic – I admit it is a shock tactic – needs to be talked over, to be understood -'

`I do not know what to think about you,' said Rose. 'I am now again inclined to think you are mad, unbalanced anyway. There is something vulgarly called being on the rebound. I think you are in a state of shock because of the ending – if it is the ending- of your long involvement with Jean. This together perhaps with finishing your book has temporarily unhinged you – this is the most charitable explanation of your tiresome and upsetting approach to me.'

`I did not mean to upset you – or rather I did – but not in an unpleasant way. I have always had a unique feeling for you, a unique sense of your being. Only two women have ever interested me. Jean was one, you are the other. I saw you before I saw Jean. I loved you before I loved Jean – No, let me go on. Of course this was a silent captive love, something inward and abstract. I had at once assumed you to unattainable. Perhaps I was wrong -'

`Really -'

`I had the impression that you liked me. But I had not the courage to speak to you. I never expressed my love in any way. I regretted this later. I regret it now. Much later on I loved Jean, imagining that to be the only real love of which I was capable. Again I was wrong. My love for you had not died in captivity. But I never thought I could release it – until now – when I am brave enough to appear before you and ask you to believe me. Surely you can understand such a thing?'

`Please don't give me these explanations,' said Rose. 'You are half out of your mind because Jean is gone, and you want me to console you because you think you remember something you felt when you were twenty! A proposal of marriage in this situation is senseless.'

`I thought,' said Crimond, looking at her intently, 'that you were then, and are not now, indifferent to me.'

‘I was, I am!'