The Book And The Brotherhood

‘I thought this at our last meeting.'

‘Our last meeting? You mean when I came to your house to find out?’

‘To find out if I was still alive. You were relieved.'

‘Yes, but because of Jean, not because of you! And of course I didn't want to find you dead on the floor. I never cared for you, I find your ideas abhorrent -'

‘Oh my ideas – but my person -'

The word 'person', sounding suddenly so archaic, almost made Rose laugh. 'Your person – are you suggesting -?'

‘I mean my whole being. Look, Rose, don't be angry with me, and please forgive me for the suddenness, the shock – I couldn't do it any other way. We have neither of us been married, nothing prevents us from thinking in these terms. Love has to be awakened. I want to awaken yours. I think you are capable of loving me.'

There was a moment's silence. Rose said, ‘I don't believe this stuff about the past, it's a fantasy, which occurred to you a few days ago, it's part of your own state of'shock, and I'm sure, whether you admit or not, that this visit is really a revenge on Jean, and an attack on Gerard.'

They were silent for a moment, staring at each other across the table. Rose saw her hands trembling, and hid them on her knees.

Crimond murmured, `It isn't so, it isn't so-' He went on, `I felt it necessary to say what I have said. I hope you will, when you reflect, see how utterly serious it is, and must be. Naturally I don't expect any clear response from you now. Let us wait a while and talk of it again. I said at the beginning simply that I wanted to know you better. And I felt in honesty that I couldn’t say just that without saying all the rest as well. But that the rest is said, and I certainly do not and will not unsay it, let us return to that first idea. Please, let us know each other better. That cannot be an offensive idea. I suggest that we meet again in a week ^or so -'

‘You persist in misunderstanding me,' said Rose, 'and you evidently don't listen to me!'

`Perhaps you find me rather – provincial – but -'

`Oh don't drag that in! If you think it's class -! It's perfectly simple, I don't like you!'

`I don't believe that,' said Crimond, and he flushed and drew back his thin lips to show his teeth. 'As for Gerard, what has he ever given you in return for your caring for him so -?'

Rose stood up and Crimond at once stood too. She was relieved to find herself more eloquently angry. 'How dare you speak like that of Gerard! You're envious of him, you’re spiteful to him and insulting to me. You seem to imagine that I feel friendly, even warmly, towards you – I do not! And what your ridiculous 'proposal' amounts to is that after brink madly in love with Jean and wrecking her marriage you suddenly drop her and run to me in order to get your revenge on everybody, and – and you offer – you exhibit – some crazy feeling you have – it certainly isn't love – which consists of spite and vanity and sentimental nostalgia and inferiority complex – people thinking you're 'provincial' – and you expect me to console you and – and justify you – oh, and what conceit, to imagine that I once cared for you and still do -'

`It is love,' said Crimond. 'You are misunderstanding me.'

`When did you think of all this, three days ago? How can I take you seriously?'

`Of course you must be surprised, and perhaps you resent my direct approach, but -'Then he suddenly cried out loudly, `Oh God, I could explain it all!' Then he said, quietly again, `When can we meet – please -'

`I don't 'resent' it,' cried Rose, 'I'm not interested enough to resent anything! I don't want to discuss your feelings. You are an enemy of people that I love, you are a person whom I utterly reject. I don't want to see you, I ask you to go and not to trouble me with any more of this nonsense. Now please go away, and understand that I don't want to see you again!'

She moved from the table and went to open the door. Looking back at him she saw his face for a moment blaring with emotion. The next moment, still flushed, he resumed his impassive expression. He walked as far as the middle of the rom where he stopped, drew his heels together and bowed slightly. Then he went past her through the doorway, picked his is coat in the hall, and left the flat closing the door quietly behind him.

Rose stood still. His sudden departure, his absence, came to its a strange shock. He was no longer there – and she was trading alone in the most terrible storm of her own emotions. How could he have come to say such a thing, to upset her so, to hurt her so! She felt, in that moment, dreadfully dreadfully hurt, ended, as if he had rejected her, not she him. How could he unfeelingly, so brutally, have put her in a situation where she was forced to behave as she had just behaved! I shouldn't live spoken like that, she thought, I lost my head, I shouldn’t have been cool and collected and courteous, and not let him stay so long and say so much. I should have asked him to go away at the start. Of course I ought not to have let him come at all. I was too unkind, and it wasn't exactly what I felt either. I did like him then, at Oxford, I admired him, we all did. Oh I shall regret this so much, it will cause me so much pain later, that I behaved so stupidly, so badly.

Then she thought, I'll run after him. Then she thought, but I would be undignified and would give the wrong impression. Then she found herself dragging open the door of the flat and running down the stairs.

The air outside met her with a tidal wave of cold. She stood on the frosty slippery pavement and looked up and down. Had he come by car? Had he driven off already? He was not in sight. She ran to the corner and looked both ways along the next road. A car some distance away was just pulling out and dissappearing. She ran back, past her house, slipping on the pavement and grasping the railings to prevent a fall. She walked scanned another road but could not see him. She walked slowly back and in again at the wide open door and up the himrs. She shut herself into the flat and leaned back against the door. She was gasping aloud. What was the matter with her? Why did it now seem the most important thing in the world to find Crimond and bring him back and talk to him and go on talking to him? Why ever had she let him go? Why had she spoken to him _in such a crude cruel way? What could he be thinking of her now, he so proud a man, who had trusted It with so amazing an admission? He had said, surely she would understand such a thing. Yes, yes, she would, she did. She was deeply moved by that captive love which had never died. She believed him. She ought to have thanked him for loving her with such a love.

Rose began to walk about in her sitting room, up and down up and down. The sun had gone, and she turned on the light. Was it possible that somehow, within a period of minutes, she had fallen in love with Crimond? Wh^y was I so aggressive, final, she thought. Really, he has done me an honour – even he only thought of me as a life-line. I was so haughty, so awful so vulgarly conceited, talking of his insulting me by saying lhe loved me. I ought to have been grateful. I didn't have to reject him like that, to drive him away, to be so rude. I could hit said I'd see him again. I ought to have done so anyway out compassion. Why couldn't I even feel sorry for him, there would have been no harm in that. He looked so tired and so sad. I can still tell him, I can hear that explanation he said he could make. Only he won't forgive me for what I've said, he won't think I'm sincere. Oh what is happening to me, and what have I done!

Rose was aware, now, that she was intensely flattered by Crimond's homage. He, so fastidious, so aloof, had come it, her as a suppliant. He said he loved her and had always loved her. Of course he is mad, she thought, I always believed he was mad. But how different that madness seemed now when it was expressed as love for her. I must see him again, slip thought, I must see him today. I can't go on without seeing him. I'll ring him up, he may be home by now. She began to look in the telephone book, then remembered he had said he had no telephone. She thought, I'll drive to his house. But what could she say when she was there, what reason could she give, her appearance could only seem like a total surrender, and supposing he rejected her. Then I should go mad too, slip thought, I am mad – but it's such a pain, I must relieve the path somehow, oh why didn't I keep him here at least while I thought about it! I'll write him a letter and then run out and post it.I’ve got to do something or my heart will burst. I'll write a careful letter and suggest that we have another talk soon, I'll say I was