'I think you'll find that he has other things on his mind,' I said, rummaging round in my pocket for the money to pay her off. My fingers closed round something. 'Here, take this!'
As she took the only coin I could find in my hurry, I realised from the milled edge that it was in fact the half- sovereign with which I had earlier been paid off after my own afternoon endeavours. However it was too late to take it back. Already she had hidden it about her person. For a moment I considered asking for my change but realised that as a Tuppenny Upright, she was hardly likely to have enough cash on her to be able to comply with such a request. I made a mental resolve to be more careful with money in the future.
'Now we must set out after your friend,' she said, yanking me out into the evening gloom. I saw a small smile flit across her face as she realised the extent of her luck and my mistake.
At least, I consoled myself, it would appear that I had a higher market value.
My immediate problem was to track Holmes down. Carefully I climbed up the area steps, my Welsh Undresser, as I had Christened her in my mind, rather wittily I considered, followed close behind. The road above was empty. I started across.
All at once there came a terrible moaning noise. 'My God!' I muttered out loud. 'Holmes!' He must have been attacked by the well-dressed fellow we had seen admitted to the servants entrance. I began to run towards the sound.
The door was still ajar and speedily but quietly I slipped inside, knowing not what scene of outrage I might find. The room was empty but through an open door and from down the passage, the unearthly moaning recommenced. I looked around wildly. Obviously Holmes must be in terrible trouble. If I was to be of any use to him, a weapon was needed. My eye lit upon a large rolling pin and I picked it up, feeling its reassuring weight in my hands.
'I don't think that will be needed, dearie,' said a small Welsh voice. I looked round. My Tuppenny Upright had followed me in.
'I must save my friend,' I said, rather impressed by my own heroism. 'Stay out of the way. This is man's work.'
'Woman's,' she said, contradicting me.
'What?' I said.
'It's all right,' she said, 'I know that sound-' 'Shhh!' I said, pulling away from her as she tugged at my sleeve.
'But — ' she said, refusing to let go so that I found myself dragging her in my wake as I raised the rolling pin and began to creep towards the bloodcurdling sound. I finally just about managed to shake her off but she insisted on following me, ignore her though I might.
The first two rooms we came to both had partly opened doors. There was no lighting but I realised that one was a larder and the other a store of some kind. The moaning sound came from ahead. I pressed cautiously on. All of a sudden my foot caught what appeared in the half-light to be a scrubbing brush. It skated across the stone flags and clanged against a bucket. As the sound echoed down the passage, the moaning came to an abrupt end. An ominous silence fell and then there came the patter of hasty footsteps. Casting caution to the winds, I rushed on. We came to a right-angled turn. I paused and edged forward. Another room opened off the corridor. Flattening myself against the wall, I inched my way onwards, trying to keep myself concealed until I could get a clear view through the doorway. From behind came a stifled, choking sound. I spun on my heel. My companion had her hand to her mouth.
'Shhh!' I said again. Again I paused, gathered up my reserves of courage and then fairly leaped in, ready to do battle.
'About time, too,' came a quiet voice. 'Holmes!' I cried out.
Holmes it was. He was standing by a small window, upright and wound about with what seemed to be a large sheet, his arms bound to his sides like an Egyptian mummy. He was pulling rather crossly at the ends of his imprisoning bandage which had been fed between the rollers of a large mangle.
'What-' I exclaimed.
'The handle,' he said.
I strode across the room, seized the handle and quickly gave it a couple of brisk turns.
'The other way!' my employer cried out in a strangled voice. 'You're pulling me through the wringer!'
'Here, let me,' said my partner from the coal hole, 'I can see you've never been in service.'
She took the handle from me, reversed my efforts and began to release the Great Detective from his bondage.
'Now,' she said, as the ends were freed. 'You take one end and I'll take the other.' She laughed. 'Like a maypole. We've got to unwind him. Go round that way.' Obeying her, I set off clockwise. Ducking under my arms, she circled round in the opposite direction. Holmes, trying to help us, began to swivel round.
'It would be quicker, Sir,' she said, if you stayed still. We'll have you out of that in a trice.'
He did as he was told and with a few quick turns we had him disentangled. He stood there, swaying slightly on his feet.
'He's a bit dizzy,' she said. 'We'll turn him round the other way. That way he'll get his balance back.'
'You realise, of course, that these childish games are in fact connected with ancient fertility rites,' said Holmes, ever the teacher.
'Just what my old headmaster used to point out to us,' I responded, pleased to be able to demonstrate my knowledge of such things, 'I had not realised, Sir, that you had a particular interest in folklore.'
'A longtime but minor interest,' he said. 'Though one that has been useful to me before now in my detective work.'
I remembered the moaning and the sounds of hasty departure that had preceded our entrance, although all was now quiet.
'What happened?' I asked.
'As you should be able to deduce,' said Holmes, 'I have been assaulted in a most disgraceful fashion. They went that way,' he continued, pointing down the passage that stretched further ahead.
'How many were there?' I asked.
Three,' he replied. 'One was the fellow we had been following. Or rather, I followed. You seem to have been somewhat delayed on the way. I notice also,' he said, 'that you appear also to have acquired a companion.'
'Er, this is er — ' realising as I began my introduction that of course I had no idea whatsoever of the name of my Welsh Encounter.
'Megan, Sir,' she said. 'Do you want a fuck? Only fourpence.'
'My dear young lady,' said Holmes, 'Grateful though I am for your assistance in releasing me, you must realise that this is neither the time nor the place for such a transaction. Evil is afoot and we must be in hot pursuit.'
'Did you get a good look at the other two?' I asked, somewhat concerned at the prospect of a hand-to-hand engagement with no less than three opponents. For a moment Holmes appeared embarrassed.
'They were women.' Uncharacteristically he hesitated. 'Both substantially built and both, er, both stark naked.'
'Good God!' I exclaimed.
'Two large naked women. Probably of the servant class, judging by their coarse hands and coarse language.'
'What were they doing?' I asked.
'Behaving in a manner not dissimilar to that suggested by your friend here,' he said. 'They were accompanied in their activities by the well-dressed stranger.'
'Why did they tie you up?' asked Megan. Once more Holmes looked crestfallen.
'I had managed to approach the door, which was then half-closed, unnoticed,' he said. 'Believing from the noise that some foul crime was being perpetrated, I bent to observe what was going on through the crack between door and frame. Unfortunately, at that very moment, one of them looked up from their revels on the floor-'
'So that was the noise,' I said, enlightenment dawning.'
'If I might make so bold,' said Megan, 'that's what we in the trade call a screaming fuck.'
Holmes looked startled but I remembered the tremendous racket that had been set up by Mary the Maid at Mrs. P-'s at the hands, or rather instrument, of Tom the Tool.
'I should have recognised it,' I said ruefully.
