Thinking.
Deliberating on the faint smell of Evaline that drifted past me yesterday.
Time falls away.
Things feels cold…
Soft song on the radio. Cold fingers. She’s drunk again. My lips are dry. I lean in to kiss her. She pulls away. She doesn’t like me that way. I try to kiss her again. Her lips are puckered tight. She tells me to stop. My heart sinks.
We watch a movie. She keeps drinking. The night wanders aimlessly. I want to tangle the sheets with her. She wants me to be her friend. My thoughts are drifting away.
It’s past midnight.
She’s still drinking. I’m getting sober.
I finally get up to leave. One last hug for the night. It’s long and we pause and I look her in the eyes and my body shakes and my lips quiver and my heart is thunder and lightning. I know better than to go in for a third time.
I leave. We’ve been friends for 3 years now. I blew my chance. Maybe I never had a chance. In the car I’m listening to the saddest songs.
Maybe she’ll love me tomorrow.
9
I wake up in my own vomit.
I’m wearing nothing but a blanket and I’m covered by the blackness of the room I’m in.
I can’t tell what time it is.
I can’t tell where I am.
It seems no different from any other day.
So I get up. Go to the bathroom. Clean up. Look in the mirror. Curse the sight of my own face.
I haven’t moved forward in life since I hit puberty.
I’m getting desperate and I can’t seem to realize it.
The phone rings.
I pick it up.
It’s Alicia.
I don’t know what day it is. Not that the day matters to me.
She wants to grind her hips to mine.
I’m too far gone to argue.
‘I’ll be over there in an hour or so.’
I shower and then I go outside.
The smell of Evaline. It hits me again. I cock my head. Look around. There’s nothing and no one. No movement or sound or anything. I walk around the house. Try and act like I’m not looking for her. She has to be here, she has to be near me.
I search the bushes and the garden and the driveway and every other part of my parent’s property.
Maybe she already left.
Maybe I’m imagining things.
I begin to leave. Walking down the driveway. Out of the corner of my eye I catch a movement. I spin around. There’s nothing. No family or friends. No Evaline.
Hands in pockets and eyes to the ground, I walk away.
Alicia. Escape. Something to get my mind off of the yesterdays that I keep reliving.
Alicia: Someone to keep me from thinking about all the loneliness that fills my future.
And I keep walking. It’s a half mile to the bus stop. The concrete on the sidewalk is fresh. There are no cracks, there are no flaws.
Finally I get to the bus stop. There’s nothing to do but think.
I look down.
I’ve let myself go.
There’s a small bulge in my gut that makes me stand out from the crowd.
I don’t have abs.
My chin is beginning to double.
I’m a mess.
People gawk as they move past me.
The bus comes. People get off. I get on.
I sit down. Near me is my bus riding friend, Jim.
‘Hey Ellis. How are you today?’
‘Good.’
‘You seem distant.’
‘I am.’
‘Anything you want to talk about?’
‘No.’
I’m a jerk. I should be nicer. I should be more outgoing. I should be open to the people who at least pretend they care.
The rest of the ride is silent.
My stop comes. I give Jim a smile. He nods. I get off the bus. I turn and watch it pull away.
Through the window I see a familiar face.
Curly hair and a skinny frame.
It takes a second for me to realize who it is.
Ten years ago.
The man from the coffee shop.
The man from the security footage.
I ran after the bus but couldn’t keep up.
My sides ache.
I’m dizzy.
Alicia looks at me with disgust.
I apologize.
She asks what happened.
I can’t find it in me to explain.
She tells me to try.
I open my mouth. Words fail me. At this moment it feels as if everything is failing me. Words, love, life.
Alicia tells me that I’m half insane.
I tell her that there’s a good explanation.
She rolls her eyes.
I’m frustrated.
‘I think I’m being followed.’
Alicia laughs.
I frown.
She’s not going to understand.
I keep talking. As if I can paint a clearer picture.
‘This man, with curly hair, I saw him ten years ago. I saw him on the bus today, but I didn’t see him until I got off. He was with Evaline in the security camera footage and…’
I give up.
It’s not going to make any sense.
Alicia is laughing.
‘Are you crazy?’ She asks this with a half smile on her face.
