The air in Alicia’s apartment has a different taste to it.
I hold it in.
I try not to forget.
Someday I will forget.
Someday I will have to take a drug just remember this moment.
I used to think that Evaline was part of me. I used to think that she was part of my heart and part of my soul. I used to think our love was perfect and beautiful in every way. At least that’s what I kept telling myself. I told myself that our love was perfect until I believed it.
Now in this quiet moment where loss is the topic of the day, I realize that someday I will forget about her. Someday the time we spent together will seem insignificant.
Someday I will move on and find another woman and get my life together and all the yesterdays that I spent with Evaline, they will be replaced with new yesterdays, they will be replaced with new loves and passions, new moments of depression and lonely jerk off sessions on the toilet. A day will come where I won’t be the same person. A day will come where Evaline will be nothing more than a picture in a drawer.
In fifty-thousand years I won’t remember that this moment ever existed.
I let out a sigh.
I listen to the world around me.
I don’t want to forget.
Ever.
I take a pill.
I want to be somewhere else.
Time moves sideways.
My chest grows tight.
‘I love you , you fucking bitch.’
This is me.
I’m grabbing Evaline’s elbow.
She’s crying.
My nose is bleeding.
And this is love.
Uncontrolled.
Primal.
In some messed up way, this is love.
‘Let me go you fucking asshole.’ The words slip out from Evaline’s broken lips.
She slaps me. It stings my face. She keeps cussing. We’re in her apartment. She kicks my gut. My grip is gone. I’m stumbling.
My face connects with the ground. It’s cold. It soothes.
Evaline keeps yelling.
Slapping.
Punching.
I’m getting bruised.
I’m bleeding.
She runs her nails across my face. .
‘You fucking cunt, calm the fuck down.’ the words fall from my swollen lips.
My hand goes to Evaline’s shoulder. She stumbles back.
‘Leave me the fuck alone, Ellis.’
She’s on both feet.
She tells me to get out of her apartment.
‘Fuck you’ is what I manage to yell back.
My voice is broken from yelling. My eyes are clouding up. My broken skin is mixing with the air around me.
‘I’m not leaving until you apologize.’ This is my broken plea.
‘Apologize for what?’
‘For fucking another guy.’
And Evaline’s hand lays across my face for a brief second. A slap. There’s a burning where the welt raises on my skin.
‘You fucked around on me first.’
We’ve been together for one hundred years.
We’re like children.
There’s a pause.
My shoulders slump.
We’re catching our breath.
I can’t bring myself to leave.
Evaline breaks.
Knee’s to the ground.
She’s sobbing and crying and shaking and the tears mix with my blood and land on the floor like some sort of wet and sad poem.
I’m watching.
Not sure what to do.
Not sure if I care to do anything.
Eventually I’m on my knee’s next to her.
We kiss.
We kiss hard.
Our faces are wet with blood and tears and spit and passion.
We ache.
It becomes a race to undress.
Love isn’t spoken with vowels and consonants.
Love is a verb.
And we’re moaning.
On the kitchen floor.
There’s broken glass beneath us. It sandwiches between our backs and the linoleum.
We cum at the same time. Evaline throws her head back. I grunt.
Primal.
Uncontrolled.
From the gut.
This is love.
So I wake up and my body aches and my head hurts and my eyes burn and I have to piss. It takes a moment, but I get up.
Everything is blurry.
I can hardly see. The sleep is clouding my head.
I go to the bathroom.
My body is slumping against the wall.
The drugs are messing with me more and more every time I use them. I can feel them killing my brain and my body.
I can’t stop.
I keep holding onto yesterday.
I keep holding on and all it does is hold me back.
