Let Love Heal

need to clarify the course of events, I add, “There really was never a good time to tell you. When you first told me about knowing that the text from Courtney was an old picture, the words just got jumbled up in my brain. I wanted to tell you, but you just walked away from me. I even tried to last night, but you were so adamant about … other things … that I just, well, call me selfish, but I wanted you too and I just didn’t want to talk about that and ruin the chance to be with you again.”

On a loud exhale, he rubs his hands over his face as if he’s trying to wake up from this nightmare. “I know. I didn’t want any words to get in the way last night either,” he says softly as he brushes my hair out of my face. I take his nod as a cue to continue my long overdue explanation.

“You already know that I was in a shitty place before we both went home for vacation.” He nods again and it gives me a little strength to carry on. “Well, my mood had a lot to do with us, but it also had a lot to do with other things. I wasn’t happy with who I was. I wasn’t happy about the twists and turns that my life was taking.” I inhale what I hope to be a calming breath, but it gets caught in the thick emotions clogging my throat. “Maddy almost died, and then I found out she was having a baby and leaving me alone. Mom was alone and sad again. Then the stuff with you not calling and thinking you had moved on from me …” My rambling trails off and mixes with the tears that streak down my cheeks. The pad of his thumb wiping away my tears lifts my downcast gaze.

He pulls my lips to his as both palms now gently cup my cheeks. “Tell me the rest. Please.” His eyes are begging for the rest of the story.

“I was partying a lot, too, when I was home. I think Maddy knew, but she never really confronted me. It got bad real quick. It was a way to numb everything, to not have to feel all the things that were making me sad. I didn’t even want to hang out with Maddy all that much. It was like her happiness just made me sadder.” On a deep shuddery breath, he sweeps my hair back once more. “The night I got that text from Courtney, I had already convinced myself that you no longer wanted me. I was drunk. Well, actually shitfaced is more like it. I was talking with a guy. We were drinking, a lot. And after the text, I drank some more, a lot more. We kissed – fooled around a little - but that was it. I promise.”

We sit in silence for a few moments. He doesn’t say anything and I want to give him the space to absorb what I’ve just told him. He finally looks at me. “But I don’t understand, Melanie.” He sighs as he scratches his head. “You said … I mean … how did you … what made you think that you slept with him.” The last few words catch in his throat.

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship for so long; I had a lot of time on my own to try and figure it all out. “Bryan, I’m so sorry. I never meant to put us through this, but I think part of it was that I always thought the worst of myself. I remember talking to him. I remember the kiss and the call and then the rest is a blurry mess.” I sniffle and wipe my nose with the back of my hand in a rather unladylike fashion. “I woke up the next morning with in someone else’s shirt, my jeans were unsnapped, my bra was missing and I guess through my hangover fog, I assumed the worst. When I happened to run in to Tyler over spring break, that night came into focus. I wanted to tell you right away, you have to believe me, but you wanted nothing to do with me.” Bryan looks utterly disgusted with me. Hell, so was I when I first found out. But, sitting up a bit straighter, I feel lightened by the truth I’ve just unveiled.

Scrubbing a hand through the light stubble that decorates his jaw, he huffs and closes his eyes. I can tell he’s struggling with what I just told him, but the reality is that he wanted me last night before he even knew about any of this. Emboldened by that thought, I scoot an inch closer to him and cup his cheek. Turning his face to mine, I call him out on last night. “But you didn’t know this last night, Bryan. You didn’t know any of it, but you still wanted me. I saw it in your eyes and felt it in your touch too. Last night was not just a one night thing for you.” I lace our fingers together in my lap and squeeze gently.

At least, I hope it wasn’t.

“You’re right. It wasn’t just about last night.” His words sober me immediately; they’re words I never thought I would hear. “When I saw you at Bella’s, I could tell what you thought about me and Abbey. I saw how much it hurt you and I knew. I just knew that you still had feelings for me. When I saw the hurt in your eyes as we were leaving, I decided to finally own my feelings for you, too.”

A lone tear trickles down my face. Bryan kisses it away and smiles at me. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” He opens his heart to me and I shoot him a wry look. “Okay, okay.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “Right after you told me what you thought happened, my feelings may have changed, but even still, there was always a part of my heart that belonged to you.”

“So, what changed between then and last night?” I ask timidly.

Bryan stares absentmindedly out of my bedroom window as the sunlight dances through the thin purple curtains. Closing his eyes, as if he’ll find the answers hidden behind his lids, he finally starts talking. “I spent the last few months struggling with my family. Watching the people you love the most fall apart right before your eyes is pure torture. But when Emmie was staying with me for the summer, I felt alive again. I know it’s cheesy, but she gave me hope again. And then when I saw you again, I knew I had to take a chance.” He pulls my face to his and lightly grazes his lips across mine. “I just didn’t know how. And then when I saw you with that guy at camp, I lost my shit. Everything I thought about what happened between us, came crashing down around me.” Through tensely clenched jaw, he mutters, “I let my anger about everything – about you, about my dad, about my mom – I let it consume me. It changed me. “

I softly press my lips to his cheek and whisper against his skin, “It’s okay. You’re still you.” He leans into my lips and my heart swells. I missed him so much.

“But I wasn’t for a long time and I didn’t like who I was. I spent a lot of time thinking about how unfair I was to you when we broke up. I told you that you weren’t good enough, that you had to change.” His face twists in guilt. “How fucked up is that? We could have worked on things. Maybe we could have figured them out, but I told you to go fix yourself and here I was becoming the exact same kind of person I told you not to be.”

That’s pretty harsh to hear and it kills me to think that we could have figured things out a long time ago. Opting to take the high road, I bite back what could be a very pissed-off outburst. The truth is that he was right. Back then, I wasn’t a whole person; I was a shadow of the woman I’ve become.

“But Bryan, don’t you realize that I wouldn’t be who I am now, if you didn’t do that.” I take a deep breath and hope that my words make sense. “Most of what you said back then was right. I didn’t have faith in myself. I didn’t love myself. If we hadn’t broken up, I might have never found the strength to figure out who I am. I’m not going to lie; it wasn’t a pretty time for me. But I did a lot of soul searching and I spent a lot of time with my family. I learned so much about who I really am and I found out that I’m pretty awesome.” I flip my hair playfully to emphasize the dorkiness of what I’ve just said. His goofy grin and small laugh reassure me so I continue. “Maybe that’s just how things were supposed to be. We were meant to spend some time apart to figure things out, to pick up the pieces so that we could both be whole when we found each other again.”

Before I can even offer up my lame smile, his lips are on mine. His hands are in my hair and he’s pulling me so close to his body that I feel like we’re going to melt together as one. Pulling back from the branding kiss, he leans his forehead against mine. “I’m still scared.” His admission knocks me for a loop because it’s as if he’s just read my mind.

“Me too, Bry. I’m scared I won’t be enough for you, for us.”

“Shh … Melanie, I see how different you are, but you’re the same too. Sweet, kind, funny. You’re everything I fell in love with in the first place and so much more. I’m just afraid we’ll screw it up again.” His thumbs brush my cheeks tenderly. “What if we’re too different?” His vulnerability cuts through me.

I don’t want to verbalize the fear I feel. There’s some truth to what he’s saying, but in my heart, in my gut, I have a feeling that the different people we’ve become are the people who were meant to be together.

Recalling the words he said to me so long ago, I laugh softly. “Do you remember what you said to me when we first met? That you would show me rather than tell me all of the ways we would be perfect together?”

He pulls his face away from mine. Tapping his finger on his kiss-swollen lower lip, he acts as if he’s trying to recall some long-lost secret. “Yeah, I think I remember saying something like that.” I swat him teasingly on his arm.

I shoot him a look of seriousness and get lost in his melted-chocolate eyes for a minute. “Let me