spirits, into w om en’s bodies, to fuck us up. It’s some kind o f
sick joke. Let’s see them aspire in vain. Let’s see them fucked
into triviality and insignificance. Let’s see them try to lose at
checkers and tic-tac-toe to boys, year in, year out, to boys so
stupid He barely remembered to give them an I. Q. at all, He
forgot their hearts, He forgot their souls, they have no warrior
spirit or sense o f honor, they are bullies and fools; let’s make
each one o f the boys imperial louts, let’s see these girls banged
and bruised and bullied; let’s see them forced to act stupid so
long and so much that they learn to be stupid even when they
sleep and dream. And mother, handmaiden to the Lord, says
wear this, do that, don’t do that, don’t say that, sit, close your
legs, wear white gloves and don’t get them dirty, girls don’t
climb trees, girls don’t run, girls don’t, girls don’t, girls don’t;
w asn’t nothing girls actually did do o f any interest whatsoever. It’s when they get you a doll that pees that you recognize the dimensions o f the conspiracy, its institutional reach, its
metaphysical ambition. Then God caps it all o ff with
Leviticus. I have to say, I was not amused. But the meanest
was m y daddy: be kind, be smart, read, think, care, be
excellent, be serious, be committed, be honest, be someone,
be, be, be; he was the cruelest jo k er alive. There’d be “ Meet
the Press” on television every Sunday and they’d interview the
Secretary o f State or Defense or a labor leader or some foreign
head o f state and w e’d discuss the topic, m y daddy and me:
labor, Suez, integration, law, literacy, racism, poverty; and
I’d try to solve them. We would discuss what the President
should do and what I would do if I were Secretary o f State. He
would listen to me, at eight, at ten, at twelve, attentively, with
respect. The cruelty o f the man knew no bounds. Y ou have a
right to hate liberals; they make promises they cannot keep.
They make you believe certain things are possible: dignity in
the world, and freedom; but especially equality. They make
equality seem as if it’s real. It’s a great sorrow to grow up. The
w orld ain’t liberal. I always wanted excellence. I wanted to
attain it. I didn’t start out with apologies. I thought: I am. I
wanted to m ix with the world, hands on, me and it, and I’d
have courage. I w asn’t born nice necessarily but nurture
triumphed over nature and I wanted to be the good citizen
who could go from my father’s living room out into the
world. I got all fucked up with this peace stuff—how you can
make it better, anything better, if you care, if you try. I didn’t
want to kill Nazis, or anyone. In this sense I knew right from
w rong; it was an immutable sense o f right and wrong; that
killing killed the one doing the killing and that killing killed
something precious and good at the center o f life itself. I knew
it was wrong to take an individual life, mine, and turn it into a
