Mercy

arms or support any violence in w ord or deed, he tried

persuasion and listening and he’d avoid conflict even i f it made

him look weak and he was gentle, even with fools; and I

learned from him that you are supposed to take it, as a person,

and not give back what you got; give back something kinder,

better, subtler, more elevated, something deeper and kinder

and more human. So when he didn’t mind the bomb, when he

liked it because it saved his life, his, I was dumb with surprise

and a kind o f fascinated revulsion. Was it just wanting to stay

alive at any cost or was it something inside that said me, la m ; it

got sort o f big and said me. It got angry, beyond his apparent

personality, a humble, patient person, tender and sensitive; it

went me, I am, and it said that whatever stood between him

and existence had to be annihilated. I would have died. I might

have died. As a child I was horrified but later I tried to

understand w hy I didn’t have it— I was blank there, it was as if

the tape was erased or something was just missing. If someone

stood between me and existence, how come I didn’t think I

mattered more; w h y didn’t I kill them; I never would put me

above someone else; I never did; I never thought that because

they were doing something to annihilate me I could annihilate

them; I figured I would just be wounded or killed or whatever,

because life and death were random events; like I tried to tell

m y father, maybe he would have lived. When someone pushes

you down on the ground and puts him self in you, he pushes

him self between you and existence— you do die or you will die

or you can die, it’s the luck o f the draw really, not unlike

maybe yo u ’ll get killed or maybe you w o n ’t in a war; except

you don’t get to be proud o f it i f you don’t die. I never thought

anyone should be killed ju st because he endangered m y

existence or corrupted it altogether or just because I was left a

shadow haunting m y own life; I mean really killed. I never

thought anyone should really die just because one day he was

actually going to kill me, fucking render me dead: inevitably,

absolutely; no doubt. I didn’t think any one o f them should

really die. It was outside what I could think of. Is there

anything in me, any I am, anything that says I will stop you or

anything that says I am too valuable and this bad thing you are

doing to me will cost you too much or anything that says you

cannot destroy me; cannot; me. If someone tortures you and

you will die from it eventually, someday, for sure, one w ay or

another, and you can’t make the day come soon enough

because the suffering is immense, then maybe he should die

because he pushed him self between you and existence; maybe

you should kill him to push him out o f the way. Do you think

Truman would have bought it? M y daddy wouldn’t have