Mercy

either. At best he’d say w hy did this tragic thing happen to

you— it would never be possible to pin down which tragic

thing he meant— and he’d be bitter and mad, not at the bad one

but at me; I’d be the bad one for him. At worst I’d be plain filth

in his eyes. I don’t know w hy I can’t think all the Japanese

should die so I can stay alive or w hy I can’t think some man

should die. I’ll never be a Christian, that’s for sure. I can’t

stand thinking Christ died for me; it makes me sick. I got some

idea o f how much it hurt. I can’t stand the thought. I am; but so

what? I’ve actually been willing to die so none o f them would

get hurt, even if they’re inside me against what I want. N o w I

started thinking they’re the Nazis, the real Nazis o f our time

and place, the brownshirts, they don’t put you on a train, they

come to where you are, they get you one by one but they do

get you, most o f you, nearly all, and they destroy your heart

and the sovereignty o f your body and they kill your freedom

and they make you ashen and humiliate you and they tear you

apart and it ain’t metaphor and they injure you beyond repair

or redemption, they injure your body past any known

suffering, and you die, not them, you; they kill you some-

times, slow or fast, with mutilation or not; and you are more

likely to murder yourself than them; and that’s wrong, child o f

God, that’s wrong. I can never think someone should die

instead o f me; but they should if they came to do the harm in

the first place; objectively speaking, they should. I think

perhaps they should. M y reason says so; but I can’t face it. I

run instead; run or give in; run or open m y legs; run or get hit;

run, hide, do it, do it for them, do whatever they want, do it

before they can hurt me more, anticipate what they want, do

it, keep them cooled out, keep them okay, keep them quiet or

more quiet than they would be if I made them mad; give in or

run; capitulate or run; hide or run; hide; run; escape; do what

they say; I used to say I wanted to do it, what they wanted,

whatever it was, I used to say it was me, I was deciding, I

wanted, I was ready, it was m y idea, I did the taking, I

decided, I initiated, hey I was as tough as them; but it was fuck

before they get mad— it was low er the risk o f making them

mad; you use your will to make less pain for yourself; you say /

am as if there is an I and then you do what pleases them, girl,

what they like, what you already learned they like, and there

ain’t no I, because i f there was it w ouldn’t have accepted the

destruction or annihilation, it w ouldn’t have accepted all the

little Hitler fiends, all the little Goering fiends, all the little

Him mler fiends, being right on you and turning you inside

out and leaving injury on you and liking it, they liked seeing

you hurt, and then you say it’s me, I chose it, I want it, it’s

fine— you say it for pride so you can stay alive through the

hours after and so it w o n ’t hit you in the face that yo u ’re just