wander, and I decide I’m never going to lie down again, I’m
never going to lie down on m y back, I’m going to sit or I’m
going to stand up always from now on, in alleys or in
apartments or anywhere, and I try to move but I hurt, I am
filled with aches under m y skin, in m y bones, in m y joints, in
m y muscles, I’m stiff and I’m sore and then m y head’s
separate, it’s very big and there’s a thud in it, a bang, a buzz,
and there’s polka dots in the air, painted on, in the whole vast
room, dancing dots, black and navy blue, and he’s watching
me, I m ove slow ly and finally I am sitting, sitting on the edge
o f the bed, the single bed, sitting, chaste, just sitting, and m y
right leg is split open, the skin on it is split open in two places,
above m y knee and under m y knee, the skin’s torn, there’s big
jagged pieces o f skin, there’s gashes, it’s deep tears, deep cuts,
blood, dried blood and wet blood, m y leg’s torn open in tw o
places, his kisses, his lover’s kisses opened the skin, inside it’s
all angry looking as if it’s turning to a yellow or greenish pus,
it’s running with dirty, angry blood, I think it needs stitches
but I can’t get stitches and I’m scared o f gangrene, old ladies
get it on the street, winos get it when there’s sores, and I go to
wash it at the sink but it hurts too much and I think his water’s
dirty, I’m sure he has dirty water, it looks dirty, and the skin’s
splitting apart more, as if it’s a river running over land, and I
concentrate on getting out, finding m y clothes, putting on m y
clothes, they’re torn and fucked up, and I ask for the keys to
get out and he says something chatty and he smiles, it’s
English but I can’t exactly understand it so I nod or smile in a
neutral w ay and I think I’d better get out and he says see you or
see you again or see you soon, it’s English but it’s hard to
understand, I can’t make out the separate words, and I say
yeah, yeah, o f course, sure, and it doesn’t seem to be enough
so I say I’ll call, it seems better, it’s affirmative, he relaxes, he
smiles, he’s relaxed back into the bed, and I move, slow ly, not
to alarm him, not to stir him, not to call attention to myself, I
try to m ove the w ay they tell you with a book on your head,
smooth and calm and quiet, firm and fast and sure, ladylike,
self-abnegating, to disappear, and I take the keys and I go
down the steps, very slow, it’s hard, the blood from the gashes
is dripping down and the leg’s opening more and it hurts, it
hurts very much— if you spread your arms out full, that much,
or even more maybe. If it was a knife you could put the skin
back together and there wouldn’t be so many diseases, knives
are cleaner, this w on’t go back together, it’s ripped, it’s too
torn, it’s dirty, some special dirt, it’s named after him, this
dirt, it’s called
