and heavy and wide, deliberate, like they got six-shooters
riding on each hip; while the boys m ove fast, mad, mean,
speeding, cold fury in hot motion. Y ou want them on each
other; not on you. It ain’t honorable but it’s real. Y o u want
them caught up in the urban hate o f generations, in wild west
battles on city streets, you want them so manly against each
other they don’t have time for girlish trash like you, you want
them fighting each other cock to cock so it all gets used up on
each other. Y o u take the view that wom en are for recreation,
fun, when the battle’s over; and this battle has about another
hundred years to go. Y o u figure they can dig you up out o f the
ground when they’re ready. Y o u figure they probably will.
Y o u figure it don’t matter to them one w ay or the other. Y ou
figure it don’t matter to you either; ju st so it ain’t today, now,
tonight, tom orrow ; ju st so you ain’t conscious; just so you
ain’t alive the next time; just so you are good and dead; just so
you don’t know what it is and w h o ’s doing it. If yo u ’re buying
milk or bread or things you have to go past them, walk down
them streets, go in front o f them, the boys, the cops, and you
practice disappearing; you practice pulling the air over you
like a blanket; you practice being nothing and no one; you
practice not making a sound and barely breathing; you
practice making your eyes go blank and never looking at
anyone but seeing where they are, hearing a shadow move;
you practice being a ghost on cement; and you don’t let
nothing rattle or make noise, not the groceries, not your shoes
hitting the ground, not your arms, you don’t let them m ove or
rub, you don’t make no spontaneous gestures, you don’t even
raise your arm to scratch your nose, you keep your arms still
and you put the milk in the bag so it stays still and you go so far
as to make sure the bag ain’t a stupid bag, one o f them plastic
ones that makes sounds every time something touches it; you
have to get a quiet bag; if it’s a brown paper bag you have to
perfect the skill o f carrying it so nothing moves inside it and so
you don’t have to change arms or hands, acts which can catch
the eye o f someone, acts which can call attention to you, you
don’t shift the bag because your hand gets tired or your arm,
you just let it hurt because it hurts quiet, and if it’s a plastic bag
it’s got to be laminated good so it don’t make any rustling
noise or scratching sound, and you have to walk faster, silent,
fast, because plastic bags stand out more, sometimes they have
bright colors and the flash o f color going by can catch
someone’s attention, the bag’s real money, it costs a dime, it’s
a luxury item, you got change to spare, you’re a classy shopper
so who knows what else you got; and if it’s not colorful it’s
likely to be a shiny white, a bright white, the kind light flashes
o ff o f like it’s a mirror sending signals and there’s only one
