search your rectum again and I asked her w hy do you do this,
why, you don’t have to do this, and she said she was looking
for heroin, and then the next day they took me to the doctors
and there were two o f them and one kept pressing me all over
down on my stomach and under where m y stomach is and all
down near between my legs and he kept hurting me and
asking me if I hurt and I said yes and every time I said yes he did
it harder and I thought he was trying to find out if I was sick
because he was a doctor and I was in so much pain I must be
very sick like having an appendicitis all over down there but
then I stopped saying anything because I saw he liked pressing
harder and making it hurt more and so I didn’t answer him but
I had some tears in m y eyes because he kept pressing anyway
but I wouldn’t let him see them as best as it was possible to turn
m y head from where he could see and they made jokes, the
doctors, about having sex and having girls and then the big
one who had been watching and laughing took the speculum
which I didn’t know what it was because I had never seen one
or had anyone do these awful things to me and it was a big,
cold, metal thing and he put it in me and he kept twisting it and
turning it and he kept tearing me to pieces which is literal
because I was ripped up inside and the inside o f me was bruised
like fists had beaten me all over but from within me or
someone had taken my uterus and turned it inside out and hit it
and cut it and then I was taken back to m y cell and I got on m y
knees and I tried to cry and I tried to pray and I couldn’t cry and
I couldn’t pray. I was in G od ’s world, His world that He made
H im self on purpose, on my knees, blood coming down m y
legs; and I hated Him; and there were no tears in me to come as
if I was one o f G o d ’s children all filled with sorrow and
mourning in a world with His mercy. M y father came to get
me weeks later when the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I had called
and begged and he came at night though I had shamed them
and he wouldn’t look at me or speak to me. I was afraid to tell
the woman about the blood. At first when she made me talk I
said I had m y period but when the bleeding didn’t stop I didn’t
tell her because a peace boy said I had a disease from sex and I
was bleeding because o f that and he didn’t want me around
because I was dirty and sick and I thought she’d throw me
aw ay too so I said I had called m y parents. I f you tell people in
apartments that you called your parents they think you are fine
then. M y mother said I should be locked up like an animal for
being a disgrace because o f jail and she would lock me up like
the animal I was. I ran aw ay for good from all this place—
home, Amerika, I can’t think o f no good name for it. I went far
away to where they don’t talk English and I never had to talk
