Blurred

Noah’s skin, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. My T-shirt was damp with sweat so I tore it off and headed for Dad’s office. It’s where he kept his good bourbon. Dad said it tasted like a little slice of heaven. I thought it tasted like lighter fluid, but hey, at least it made me numb and sleepy. At this moment in my life, that’s all that really mattered. I filled one of Dad’s fancy glass tumblers and downed it all in one drink, then poured another and did the same. My throat burned, but by the time I made it to my bedroom and kicked off my shoes, everything felt warm and tingly. Nice. I left my jeans on and fell back onto my bed, watching the ceiling spin.

I couldn’t sleep. How was I ever supposed to sleep again after all of this? Especially when part of me was terrified that it would be that scary-ass blade of Anaya’s waking me up, or shadow demons waiting to suck the soul out of my eye sockets. I turned over on my side and watched shadows move across the wall. Sometimes, when my brain was fried from paint fumes and booze like this, I couldn’t tell the difference. The easiest thing to do was close my eyes and pretend they weren’t there.

I was inches away from the escape that sleep would provide when something pinged off my window.

I flinched and sat up, rubbing my eyes, wondering if it was Anaya. Hoping it was Anaya and hating myself for it. I wasn’t even sure if I should trust her at this point. Another tap. This time from a set of fingers. I climbed out of bed and pushed open the window. Emma stared back at me, her hair orange from the glow of the security light outside. I sighed and moved out of the way so she could climb in.

“What are you doing here?”

Emma pulled herself through the window and pushed the hair out of her face.

“I need to talk to you.” She clutched a bag to her chest and looked around the room as if she was expecting to see someone there. Then it dawned on me that she was looking for a girl. She had no idea how much things had changed. When she realized we were alone, she pulled out a thermos and a paper bag that smelled like cookies. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to let her go if she’d stop trying to take care of me, reminding me why I loved her so damn much.

I fell back onto the bed and sighed. “About what? I thought we covered everything. You’re dating

Death and I’m being stalked by shadow demons.” I peeked at her under my arm. “Does that cover it?

Oh yeah, and now a reaper for Heaven is babysitting me like there’s a freaking countdown clock to death stamped on my forehead. But hey, at least she’s hot. Could be worse, right?” I carefully made sure to leave Noah out of it. Maybe I didn’t know everything about him, but he was the one offering me actual answers. I wasn’t about to jeopardize that.

“Wait.” Emma’s brows furrowed and she narrowed her blue gaze on me. “A reaper showed herself to you?”

I nodded and she sank down onto the bed beside me, looking so much like the worried little girl who used touch the space between my eyebrows and tell me everything would be okay when I was missing my mom the most.

“Who is she?” she asked. “What does she want with you?”

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep it in. She couldn’t help me. Why did she even want to know? In the end, my need to tell her everything inside me won out. “Her name is Anaya. She’s been following me since the fire. She just showed herself to me today.”

“Anaya?” Emma shook her head, staring down at her lap. “And what does she want? Tell me exactly what she said.”

I probably shouldn’t mention that I’d practically tried to feel the girl up. That I couldn’t get her out of my head. That even now, there was something in my chest aching over the fact that she’d been hurting and she wasn’t here now. God, how far would I have let it go if she hadn’t stopped me from touching her? Yeah, she was hot, and sort of sweet, but she was also dead. Maybe Dad was right.

Maybe I really did need to get my head checked.

I brushed the curtain of blond hair away from Em’s face so I could see the emotions playing there.

“She said she’s waiting for me. That it’s only a matter of time before…”

Her head snapped up and her eyes glossed over with moisture. “Before what?”

“I die.” I combed my fingers through my hair and tugged. “What else would a reaper want with me?”

When I gave in and looked over at her, she was shaking her head, a glossy gaze fixed on her fingers, twisting my bedsheets into knots. “No. No…you’re not. It has to be a mistake. You must have misunderstood her.”

“Em…” I sighed, wishing I had a different answer to give her. One that included me living out a long happy life with her by my side. It made my chest ache to think of how much I was going to miss.

She’d go to college. Go after her dreams and make mistakes. I wanted more with this new Emma who wasn’t scared of the world. I wanted more and I wasn’t going to get it.

“Stop looking at me like that,” she whispered in a broken voice. A tear slipped down her cheek and I reached out to wipe it away.

“Like what?”

“Like you’ve accepted this.”

I ran my tongue ring back and forth against the backs of my teeth and shook my head. “I was supposed to die in that fire. I’m not even supposed to be here now. And she’s not lying. It’s not a mistake. I feel it, Em. I feel it every damn day. I’m dying.”

Emma caught a sob in her throat and slid her hand over mine, lacing our fingers. I let her. It felt too good not to.

“You are not going to die. I won’t let that happen.” She ran the back of her hand over her cheeks to wipe away the wetness.

I sat up and faced her. “Are you God? Yoda? Gandalf the Grey?”

Emma just stared back at me, clearly not amused.

“Then you don’t have any control over this,” I said. “So stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to fix me.”

Emma pressed her lips together, probably holding in an ocean of words she wanted to drown me with. She finally folded her hands in her lap and started messing with my pillowcase. That was one perk of being someone’s sidekick for this many years. She knew when to quit. She knew when to stop pushing.

I studied the outline of her profile in the moonlight and realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay mad at her. I didn’t want to. “Is Finn waiting for you?”

She shook her head. “No. He had to work late. He got a night job at that auto body shop in town.”

“Where is he staying now?” Please don’t say in your bed. Please, in a world of shittiness, just give me this.

“He got a little garage apartment,” she said. “The guy that owns the body shop is renting it to him until he can afford something better.”

As much as I hated it, I felt a little bad for the guy. It couldn’t be easy being thrown into a life where you had to start over from scratch. No family left alive. No money or friends. I stopped myself there. I wasn’t ready to go there yet. I didn’t want to like him. I scooted to the far edge of the bed and left enough space for Em. We didn’t have to say anything. It was understood. I didn’t want her to go. I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone right then. She kicked off her shoes and lay down beside me, pulling the cover up over us both.

“Do you love him?”

Emma blinked up at the ceiling. “Yes.”

“How much trouble will you be in for staying with me?”

She laughed a little. “My mom’s dating a cop now, remember? They’ll probably send a search party.”

“I meant with your boyfriend.”

“You can’t hate him forever,” she said. “He’s a part of my life now. He’s not going anywhere.”

I sighed. “I know that. But I’m not ready to like him, Em. Don’t ask me to.”

Emma lay silent beside me, her breaths causing her back to press against my side. She finally wiggled like she was uncomfortable and said, “What about me? Are you going to hate me forever?”

“I don’t hate you.” I turned over onto my side and tugged on a piece of her hair that was splayed across my pillow. It looked pale and shiny in the splash of moonlight coming through my window. So different from Anaya’s dark, silky braids. Wait…why was I thinking about Anaya again? I shut my eyes and sighed. “I love you too much to hate you.”