yelling?” she wonders aloud.
“Sure.”
“Why?”
“Because you are understandably angry.” I look at her and she looks away. I summon all my courage. “So… the fact there is no yelling tells me one of two things.” I wait for her reaction; she looks back at me and folds her arms. “Number one,” I continue. “You don’t care about us anymore, at all and there is nothing left to say.” I take a deep breath. “Or number two, you believe me. But you are afraid to say it.”
She watches me.
“So if it’s the first one, you should tell me.” I say as firmly as I’m capable of. This could really backfire…
“Why should I?” she challenges.
“Because, I’ll never give up on us. But if you really have, then I need to know.”
She rubs her forehead. “I can’t deal with this.”
My shoulders sag, have I gone too far? Wondering what to do for the best, I absentmindedly sit forward and reach my hand out to hers. She flinches as our fingers touch and I almost recoil when I realise what I’m doing. But she doesn’t pull her hand away so I gently take her fingers in mine and stroke my thumb across the back of her hand. She begins to cry again.
“I love you so much,” I whisper.
She sobs.
I feel awful for her. This is not something she can handle right now and I’m making it worse. “This is too much for you. It’s not fair of me to burst in with no warning. I should give you some time to process everything… The problem is, I don’t want to leave you alone like this.” I reach into my back pocket and pull out my cell. Liv looks at me.
I text Max.
‘Can you come up?’
I glance up at Liv, who is still watching me. “You need someone to hold you right now and as much as it hurts, that really can’t be me. I'll go cover for Max and give you some space.” She nods through the tears. “I really want to talk about this. But only when you’re ready.” I stress. 'I'll lay off for a while, you need a break.' I feel terrible about the way I’ve pursued her while she’s in such a weak state.
After a quiet and slightly tense couple of minutes, I hear Max’s footsteps on the stairs. I slowly get to my feet.
“Bye,” I say softly.
Liv doesn’t respond. I meet Max at the top of the stairs.
“How is she?” he asks. His voice lowered.
“In shock, I think. She really needs comfort right now and I’m not the right person to give it. Can you stay with her?”
“Sure. Are you okay?” he asks, his concern is genuine.
“Yeah, I’m fine. She didn’t throw me out, that’s more than I expected,” I grin despite everything.
“You’re doing well,” he says slapping me on the back.
I smile. “I’ll go back to work, look after her.” I say with a hint of regret.
“I will,” he says over his shoulder as he opens the door.
Just after midnight. Max joins me at the bar. “She’s asleep,” he says.
“Is she okay?” I ask.
“She’s fine. Shocked is an understatement.” He laughs. “But she’ll be okay.”
“What should I do next?” I ask, genuinely uncertain of how to proceed.
“See how she is tomorrow. Maybe let her approach you.” He shrugs. “You may have to wait a bit, but you’re not going anywhere are you.”
I nod slowly. I wish I could be certain she would approach me. It makes me nervous to think about not pursuing her. What if that’s it? If she doesn’t come to me, it would be over for good. I’m not ready to let that happen. But tonight I’ve made good progress. She knows I’m here and she didn’t hit the roof. I should graciously accept that and try to build on it. I’ll just have to see what tomorrow brings.
Chapter Eight
Danny
I wanted your opinion on some wallpaper samples.
My fingers type quickly. I’m using the morning to catch up on work. It takes my mind off the fact that Max and Charlie are having brunch with Liv, almost certainly discussing me, and I have to keep away. I’m no longer in hiding, but I want to maintain a respectful distance until she tells me otherwise. Until I’m invited, I will carry on with my previous routine. She will never know I’m here.
I yawn as I wait for a file to load. I’m so tired. I guess I haven’t caught up with my jet lag yet. I’ve changed time zones so many times lately, I’ve no normal to try to return to. Before I came back, I was keeping terrible hours, working hard, trying to forget Liv. Then I was sick with worry and hit the ground running when I arrived. I’ve been doing two jobs, both with demandingly long hours and I’m spending every spare second attempting to get through to Liv. It has been exhausting. I hardly slept last night, going over everything in my head. My body aches from tiredness.
I push away from the desk, stand up and stretch. I look longingly at the cosy bed. I should try and sleep. I’m not needed anywhere and if Liv does want to talk later, I won’t be up to it if I’m this tired. I look back at the computer guiltily, how productive am I really being? I’ve done plenty and I’m way ahead. I crash onto the welcoming bed but just lay staring at the ceiling. This is the problem. I go to bed but nothing happens. That’s why I’ve been working so much, because if I’m awake I need to be occupied or I start to think, then I just beat myself up for the giant fuck-up of the past few weeks.
Here it comes… First, I kick myself for not being totally honest with Liv about Brooke. If I had, she would know I have nothing to hide and we wouldn’t have a problem now. Next, I beat myself up for adding to the problem, by not admitting I’d made a mistake and continuing to hide more and more stuff about Brooke from Liv. That is why she doesn’t trust me, it’s totally my fault. Then I curse myself for being so self-centred that I couldn’t or wouldn’t see the real reason she left me. I wallowed in self-pity for a week and didn’t give her feelings a single thought. I felt wronged so I wasted time. I should have been here and the accident would never have happened. Yes, the accident is my fault too and then, despite the fact that I rushed to be by her side, I’ve not actually had the guts to force my way back in. Max has been really supportive, but he’s been insistent on me, giving Liv enough space. I should have been by her bedside when she woke up instead of sneaking out like a criminal.
I stare at the ceiling. The pity party passes fairly quickly, after all, I’ve been rehashing it all for days and days. I can go through the motions in record time now. But then I’m left empty. I feel no better for taking responsibility for it all. It means nothing unless Liv forgives me. If she won’t, I’ve no idea what I’ll do with my life.
I wish I could talk to Jen. She’s well-practiced at the pep talk I need right now. She’s been doing it every day, since I got here. She knows what to say to pick me up. She was over the moon last night when I called after my shift to tell her that I’d seen Liv. She thinks I did the right thing leaving her to process everything and she agrees with Max that I should let her come to me now. But it’s eating me up, what if she doesn’t? I need Jen to convince me again now, but she will be sleeping. God damned time differences. Why does life have to be so hard? I haven’t questioned coming here to be with Liv. But now that I’m here and she won’t see me, I miss Jen so much.
Max and Charlie have been so great. They’ve really welcomed me and that has made things easier. They’ve put me up and made sure I feel at home. I have a nice room, which is more like a hotel suite and you can tell that they love having guests to take care of. I think Max is a great friend to Liv, but he’s become my friend too. It’s meant the world to have him behind me through this ordeal. As my thoughts spin in their irritating circles, I finally drift into a distressingly anxious sleep.
